E Day, 2 years later

On Dec. 27, 2009, A and I met E for the first time, after an adoption journey of nearly 10 months. This day, 2 years ago, was a special day in our family, and we call it "E Day" now. The morning of the day I met my second daughter, I could not have really imagined how the day would end.

I awoke excited and ready to love on our daughter. I went to sleep that night practically broken and terrified that we'd made a mistake. Two years later, I can say with confidence that our adoption of E was NOT by any means a mistake, but that first day and night with E... It was oh so hard.

E was terrified of us (especially me) from the moment she was placed in my arms, screaming her baby lungs out. Knowing my daughter as I do now, this makes perfect sense. But at the time, it was terrifying beyond measure. I was totally unprepared to be the mother of a child who immediately began crying the moment she saw me for those first few horrible days in Ethiopia. With R, it was picture perfect, a "gotcha" moment any adoptive family dreams of. With E, not so much.

Poor baby. And dare I say, poor me and definitely poor A. He had to do most of the parenting while we were in ET and on our journey home as E would simply scream if she were placed in my arms. Honestly, I wasn't fond of her either. I felt like I was baby sitting someone else's scared, sick, and parasite filled (sorry!) child.

Over the next few days, she would at least tolerate my presence. I will never forget the look on her face when A and I returned from shopping and I went to get her from our agency's home. A was charged with helping to move the agency's washing machine to their new location for their home (they moved the week we were in ET). I was charged with taking the baby back to the hotel. She cried the entire 2.5 hours I had her alone. I cried, too. I was so scared. She even sobbed in her sleep. At one point, one of the hotel workers came and brought us our clean laundry. She took E from me, and E stopped crying. It appeared ANY ET woman would do over me, the person charged to be her mom for the rest of both our lives. When A returned to the hotel, he was able to get her to calm down. I would have to say that those 2.5 hours were the worst of the trip.

I won't and don't share pictures of our first day with E. They are, quite frankly, painful to look at, even now that E and I love and adore each other. I see us, both terrified of what is happening to us when I look at those pictures.

However, today, my E, I want you to know that I love you so, so much, more than you might not ever be able to know. I am so thankful that that terrified baby I met 2 years ago today was in fact MY daughter. I love, love, love, love, YOU, my sweet girl.

Reflecting

Two years ago today, I was somewhere between {our home} and Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. A and I were on our way to bring home our precious E. What an exciting time and trip this was for us. We left our R with our friends H and M until my parents returned home from Fl a few days later.

I could write and write and write about the experience of traveling to bring E home. But not tonight, as I'm exhausted after a lovely Christmas celebrated with our family at my parents' house. This is the first year since R has come home that we really "did" Christmas, and it was a lot of fun for the babies. I had forgotten how truly magical Christmas can be.

While we definitely didn't push the idea of Santa on the girls, they picked it up from other places, so we went with it to a point. My mom, my brother's fiancee, and I did the stockings-- forgotten how much fun stockings are to do (used to be my favorite part of Christmas Day at my grandparents' house), and we gave the girls a couple little gifts from "Santa," too.

This was the first time in many years that Christmas felt like Christmas to me, if that makes sense.

I hope your Christmas was a lovely day with your family and friends.

Merry Christmas and good night.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

I promised to post pictures once I received them from the photographer... Here is a sampling of the pictures from Saturday. Not bad, considering A had to do their hair (I was sick with the flu) and took them to the photo shoot. It was 20 minutes long... and he showed up 10 minutes late! Still, the photographer got some great shots!

Above: Telling baby sister a secret!

I LOVE this picture of my sweet E!!

Both my girls... stunningly beautiful in different ways. Wow!

She looks almost angelic here!

My friend M's girls and my girls. All ready to celebrate Christmas in a few days!

Mommy Guilt

So I guess I probably went overboard for the girls for Christmas this year. But it is hard not to. This is where my guilt manifests. Guilt? What guilt? The guilt I have for not being there for my children for the first precious months of their lives.

I try not to think of it-- but I can't get rid of the guilt no matter what I do. I guess that never goes away because it hasn't in the four years I've been a mom to a child who is adopted. So I spoil the crap out of them at Christmas, birthdays, and "R" and "E" days (the days we met the girls).

I don't care. If you saw where R lived the first weeks of her life, you just might feel the same way. I saw it, and I will never forget it.

And E? My sweet little baby doll? Obviously I don't know much about her life before referral, which was at 8 months. So I spoil her, too.

I just love those little girls so much. And it breaks me right in half that I couldn't be there for them when they were at their tiniest and most vulnerable.

On a side, but slightly related note, I'm (more than) considering hiring a searcher to find E's birthfamily, R's, too. I don't really know how to do it or where to begin or how much it would cost. But... I really feel like time is of the essence and that it needs to be done soon. I just need to do it. Right? Thoughts??

I'm finished! (Just in the nick of time to enjoy Christmas)

For the semester, that is. I'm finished with grad school for a few weeks (as well as regular, work-type school..), and I could not be happier. At a year into grad school, I'm, in truth, hating every minute of it. Does that sound too negative? I don't know; maybe it does. But, honestly, that's how I feel about it. I hate the time it takes away from my family, I hate the paper writing and the discussion board posting, and I hate the internship that seems like it will never end!

I know I brought all this upon myself entirely, but I also had no choice if I don't want to teach forever. And I've always known I don't want to do that. I just needed start it. I'd actually delayed starting another masters for years. For both adoptions and then for another year after that while we fumbled our way through becoming a family of 4. We knew we were in a place in which we were finished adopting for a while (maybe forever?), so I knew it was time for me to start. Right now I have the internship and some classes to take next semester and then maybe just one more class to be finished! That seems feasible, but I also feel pretty burned out.

E was also sick on Tues night/Wed this week so I stayed home with her on Wed. She was sicker than either girl has been. Every 20 minutes or so, all night long on Tuesday, she threw up. It was awful. And of course, in the middle of the night on Thursday, I also got it. I mean, I figured it was a done deal, but what was I supposed to do? I had to take care of the baby! So my final paper that was supposed to be completed last night I was able to extend to finish today, which was nice.

I'm still feel weak and off and somewhat dizzy when I try to walk too much. I hoping that is better tomorrow because we're planning to take the girls to a winter celebration at a nearby zoo.

And, oh, did I mention our furnace went out last Friday so we spent the entire week at my parents' house? I was thankful for a place to go, but you know how it is... There is a reason why kids don't live with their parents forever!

Sigh... Now that grad school is finished for a few weeks and work is finished for two, I'm ready to enjoy the Christmas season.

And, oh yeah, my little brother closed on his new house on Friday and moved in yesterday. I haven't seen it yet, but I can't wait to do so on Tuesday... And my other brother (a year younger than I) is moving to Orlando right at the beginning of the new year! Lots of changes going on in my family.

And, the girls got cutie Christmas pajama outfit pictures taken yesterday, which I will share when I get them. :)

So Tired

Ok, I have no idea what I'm going to do with this blog. Obviously, a few weeks ago, I was pretty set on going private. I don't know. Ugh.

Tonight, though, I just wanna write.

So, I've been sick since Thanksgiving (which was a lovely, lovely, lovely day...), and I can't stop coughing. I'm exhausted. I have bronchitis, and I'm on medicine for it now. The other night I just coughed and coughed for over 3 hours straight. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

Tonight I couldn't find my stupid textbook for my class assignment due tonight and I just cried about it like a big baby. Poor A. He had a work thing tonight and couldn't stay and help me look for the book or help me with the girls. So I was a crying, coughing mess. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

My girls really, really, really want a Christmas tree this year. We haven't had one for years. In truth, this is a hard time of year for me. A doesn't do Christmas, so if I want to do it, it's all on me. 2 years ago, we were preparing to go to ET to bring E home, so we didn't do Christmas really at all. Last year, we went to Florida over Christmas, so we didn't do it last year either. I've been able to avoid it all. But this year? My babies are 4 and almost 3. They're getting old enough to know what Christmas is and what it involves. I don't know if I have the energy to do it alone. Ugh. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

E's 2 year post placement report is due to *my agency* tomorrow. Ugh. I started working on it last night, but it's gonna be late this year. Well, I will try to get the report part finished at work and then get that and the pictures to the agency tomorrow night. Sigh. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now. My internship hours are due in 2 weeks, papers are stacking up to be graded, my house is in shambles, I have no idea what to do for Christmas, and I cannot shake this illness. I feel so defeated.

Ok, Going Private

The time has come for this blog to become private. Like pronto. So, if you are interested in being invited to read this blog in the future, please leave a comment below with your email address and how I know you. I'm going to private on Sunday evening.

Ugh.

My neighbor died about a week ago. He was pretty old, and he was very sick with cancer. He told me about 18 months ago that he had about 6 months to live. I always kind of looked out for him-- making sure he was ok and all that.

This weekend, his family descended on the home and cleared it out. It is weird to know the house is empty, save the random junk and things lining the garage walls.

He was kind, and he was lonely after his wife died a few years ago. I would often get "stuck" talking to him for at least 45 minutes while trying to get the groceries in, etc. He had family who lived about 30 minutes from here and who would visit sometimes, but it didn't seem like they were around often. One time he gave me his granddaughter's contact information just in case something happened.

Another time, he called me from the hospital to get his paper off the porch for him so it wasn't obvious no one was at the house.

This morning, as I left for church, his Sunday paper was on the porch. I stood by the van, not sure what to do. Take it or leave it. I decided to leave it until I returned from church. When I got back, the family had returned, and the paper was gone.

So I guess that's that.

Idiot

That would be me.

I did something REALLY stupid recently concerning work. Well, umm, what it was actually happened like a month ago, and I didn't realize at the time it was a problem. Until I was told yesterday that it was an issue.

The thing is, I KNOW better. I mean really! Did I ever tell you my dad's a former school administrator? I mean, like my entire life until he retired a few years ago (he was actually offered his first principalship the same day I was born. Anyway...) The bottom line is that I know better and shouldn't have done it.

So, I've walked around for the past 2 days feeling sick. At least I can say with certainty that my principal is "ok" with me. Just my luck, the issue extends to central office staff... so my principal talked to me yesterday to give me a "heads up."

What I did wasn't anything horrible. Like I told my principal, I would never do anything to embarrass her or my school. I take pride in always being very professional. It was just a dumb thing to do. Something I never thought would be an issue.

Also considering making this blog private. Thoughts?

A Letter

Dear Y,

(R's birthmother)

Tonight, as I cuddle our daughter close, she asked me with sleepy eyes to tell her the story of when A and I brought her home.

Out of the blue she says, "Mommy, why couldn't my 'Opia Mommy take care of me?" She caught me so off guard that I started to cry as I told why... (which I am not going to go into specifics in a blog...)

"Why does that make you cry, Mommy?" our wise almost-four-year-old asks me next. I told her that sometimes being in an adoptive family is hard. "Sometimes it's hard to be away from people we love, and it makes Mommy sad that your Opia Mommy lives far away from us."

In truth, she caught me off guard with her questions tonight.

It's been almost 4 years since you gave birth to our daughter. As her birthday inches closer, my heart gets heavier and heavier thinking of you and wondering how you are doing, what you are doing... Do you ever get the photo albums I send? Do you think about our girl? Do you regret your decision? Do you worry about her?

She's bright, shiny, beautiful.... She's smart, loving, caring, creative, amazing. Recently, she has started to adore her little sister and is such a great big sister to her. She's going to pre-school this year 3 mornings a week, and she LOVES it. At her school, the children get to make a lot of decisions about what and how they want to learn, and she is thriving.

Our girl is also strong-willed and stubborn. Knowing your story, I know she gets a lot of her determination from you.

I hope you are proud of her-- I tell her you must be. I hope you know how much she is loved, adored, and treasured. I hope you are pleased with the decisions A and I make for her. I wish so much that we were able to keep in contact with you better and that you could see her today. She is amazing.

Take care,

M

The Call- Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, we got The Call for E. We knew we were #1 on the list and that we could get the call any day. In fact, the night before (a Sunday night) I'd changed my ringtone for my agency to some crazy one that would definitely get my attention.

I was an instructional coach at that point, and it was close to 3pm when my cell phone rang the crazy ring tone as I sat in my office finishing up a few things and waiting for the end of the school day at 3:10. Sure enough, it was our case manager, J, and she had a little girl to tell us about. As she started talking, I immediately dashed out of my office and up the stairs to my friend H's classroom. (Both our referrals have taken place in her classroom now that I think about it...)

I remember shaking and crying a lot. There is something so surreal about the one moment when you become a parent through adoption. I got off the phone with my case manager after hearing the details about my girl and then calling A to tell he was now the father of two... We waited for the email to come through from the case manager with the pictures.

And, then, suddenly, there they were. I was looking at this tiny little girl who by some miracle God had deemed me fit to parent. As I've said before, she looked nothing like what I was expecting, but she was so beautiful and so, so sweet-looking. Those beautiful eyes! They were striking then and still are today. (Below, the other 2 referral pictures-- see the entry below for the other one. Yes, we ONLY received 3, which still bugs me!)

Today, we talked a little bit with the girls about what it means to become a family this way. That for us (A, R, and I), it was the day we learned that E would be a part of our family. For her, I know it was a time of confusion, fear, sadness, and mourning. We did not celebrate today but marked the occasion instead. We went to our favorite Italian place for dinner, as we have the past years. A and I spent time talking to both our girls about why we love them and how glad we are that they are members of our family.

We have come a long way as a family in the past two years, and I am so thankful that A and I are E's dad and mom.

Two years ago today, I was excited that I was now a mother of two precious girls. Today, I reflect on what lead us to each other and what a journey it has been both before and after the referral call.

E-poodle, I love you so much, baby doll! I cannot believe it has been 2 years since I saw your sweet face and learned of your story and became your momma. You are sweetness, light, grace, and love all rolled into one. I am so thankful that we are a family. Darling girl, there really are no words to explain how much I LOVE YOU! (Below, E today-- well, at least recently...)

My Two Loves

I have no idea what I did to be so blessed... My girls, today. I love them so much.

PS-- A's latest obsession? Card tricks! Shoot me!

Today

Two years ago today was a pretty normal Thursday morning for us. I got ready to go to work and had R dressed and eating breakfast. I turned on my cell phone, and it showed that I had a text message.

The message was from my friend S, and she'd written, "You're the new #1! The V family got the call!" I raced downstairs and checked the V family's blog... Their blog confirmed that they had received their referral, meaning that we were next in line. (Not that I didn't believe you, S! I just had to see it for myself!)

I told A, and we both were so excited. It is a surreal feeling to know that the next referral WILL be yours.

Two years ago today, E had made her journey from southern ET and had been at my agency's transitional home for 3 days. Knowing my child as I do now, I'm sure that it was a hard day for her. I know her tender heart now, and I am sure she was scared and was grieving her birthfamily. My poor, sweet, darling baby girl.

Two years ago today, my E, we were so excited about possibility of you. Today, I'm so thankful that I am your momma. I love you so much, little precious daughter of mine.

Favorite Month

I'm pretty sure October is my favorite month. I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE summer growing up, but I think now I prefer fall. My mom always has loved fall, and I never understood it until I was older. I mean, as a kid would love a month or season that involved being at school?

I gotta say, I love driving along and taking in the colors of the tree leaves as they change. I love the chilly mornings and bright clear days October often brings. I love that most days, it is neither too hot nor too cold when we go for a walk with the babies after work. I love that I can go to the store and buy apple cider and pumpkin pie. While the days are getting shorter, it is still light out until the girls go to bed right now.

I love going to farms and pumpkin patches and festivals with A and the girls. I love watching college football (even if my team sucks this year).

Did I mention my anniversary is in Oct.? A and I were married on a beautiful October afternoon.

I love that the first quarter of the school year is over as of this coming Tuesday.

I love that the first time I saw a picture of my sweet E was an October afternoon.

That's it for now. Other things on my mind, but that'll be for tomorrow.

Birth Family Questions

Some recently commented that they'd like to know what questions I long to have answers for from my girls' birth families. Here is a list of things I would love to ask E's birth family and some that I know the answers to from R's (but not all).

• What does ---- (the child’s name) mean?
• Who chose her name? Why?
• Can you tell us about her father and other family members (such as grandparents and siblings)?
• What is your personality like? Her father’s?
• Can you tell us a little about your life as a child?
• Was there a special song you sang to ---- (the child)?
• What was your labor and delivery like? Easy? Difficult? Long? Short?
• What time of day was she born? (For some reason, I LONG so much to know this.)
• Where was she born?
• Was she breastfed?
• Who does she resemble most, you, her father, or another relative?
• Was she a happy baby?
• What comforted her best?
• What can you tell me about the child’s other birth family members?
• What are your dreams for her?
• What is something you hope for your daughter?
• What would you like her to know about you?
• What would you like her to know about Ethiopia?

Seasons of Love

Today's A and my 8th wedding anniversary... 13 years together total as of today.

I think over the past 13 years of my life and am sometimes amazed at where we ended up... It has not always been easy for either of us, but it is certainly never dull.

There are seasons in marriage, I've learned, just as there are seasons of the year. Some seasons I've liked more than others. I'm sure A could say the same. I feel like in the past 6 months, we've started to come out of one of the less-than-desirable of those seasons.

So, today, we celebrate the day we vowed to devote our lives to each other.

Happy anniversary, dear.

At Almost Age 4

Her voice comes from the back of the van, again asking,

"Mommy, when I am four, can we go to Opia to visit my Opia mom?"

We talk a little bit about who are her parents and who her birthparents are. That adopting means for some people, like her, that they have family far away across the world.

And that, although we would love to be able to, we can't go to Ethiopia until she and her sister are older.

I look at her reflection in the rear view mirror. Tears in her eyes and the little lip is quivering.

My girl, 2 months shy of age 4, is starting to ask more and more questions about adoption.

We talk a lot about adoption these days. I know that at her age, this is normal and healthy.

But it is hard. I have so many regrets about our meeting with Y, R's Ethiopian mom. So many things I wish I would have asked her. And I wish so much that I would have pushed harder for our agency to arrange another meeting with her when we were in ET to bring E home.

I haven't ever watched the video of our meeting with Y. Perhaps, I think to myself as my daughter switches from talking about adoption and Y to talking about why grass grows, it is time.

I was so naive when we adopted R. I didn't count on all the baggage. I didn't know how it would truly affect us long term, even after reading all the books and going to the classes and talking with our social worker and our case manager.

I just didn't know. I wish I could go back to that day when we met Y for a redo. I wish I had had the sense of mind to ask her all the questions I don't have answers to for my precious, beautiful, sparkly, gift of a daughter.

Eval

Took R to an occupational therapist today for a screening/evaluation for sensory integration disorder. Basically, they acted like I was stupid at first. The OT just didn't seem to think anything was wrong. I don't know. The eval wasn't really based on what I'm concerned with. But the woman threw me off when she asked me all these questions about things that did or did not bother/affect R... I kept saying "no," and then she snapped at me. I talked a little more, and she calmed down and was friendly after that to both R and me, but I was flustered and doubting myself so I didn't even know what to say.

Bottom line is that I know something is off with my sweet girl. I just don't know what. Well, I still think it has to do with sensory integration, just not in the way that she was evaluated today. She is 2 months shy of age 4, and she was scoring at age 5 years 8 months through age six years three months on a lot of the eval. I don't think it is a physical thing that is off-- it is a wiring thing if that makes sense.

I'm frustrated, and I'm not really sure what the next step is. R's doctor said it might take a while to figure it out, so I have to keep that in mind. And that is why we're starting to look into it now-- so that by the time she's school age, we are able to know how to help her and do what she needs for school success, etc.

Pre-School

Tomorrow, my tiny little baby R goes to pre-school. How is it possible that my teeny tiny baby girl is now old enough for pre-school? This just does not seem like it could really be happening. She is nearly four-- it's been nearly four years since we received her referral-- the time has gone by in a flash. (Below, a picture from the day I met my daughter 3.5 years ago.)

My girl is so, so excited about going to school. It is going to be so good for her, too. She is going to a school that follows a Reggio philosophy, and A and I couldn't be happier with the choice for her. She is going to be learning in an amazing environment along with her BFF N. One of her teachers has Ethiopian friends and I can tell she loves R already. In fact, she's known R since she was tiny because she used to accompany my friend M to drop off her daughter T for school when she was going there.

Bottom line, tomorrow is a day that marks a change in our lives. R enters the world of school where she will be for the next 2 decades or so. Oh, honey-baby, you are growing up so very fast. I love you so much, my big, going-to- school girl.

My Favorite

Any teacher who tells you that he or she has no favorites is probably not telling the truth. Every year, I have favorites and then I have all time favorites. Kids I never will forget. Ever.

Yesterday, walking down the hall with a smile on her face and a baby carrier in her arms came my favorite. My all time favorite. Miss B. She was an 8th grader in my class my first year in my district. She's now 21. Whoa. An adult. A mommy. A wife. Whoa.

It's funny because kids freeze in my mind at whatever age they were when they were in my class. I can still picture B as she was 8 years ago as a sweet 13 year old girl.

I hadn't seen B in at least a year and a half. Ironically, I'd just found her email address on Wed afternoon and was thinking of her on Thursday all day long. I kept thinking I just needed to email her.

B wasn't my best student (by far!), but she is the one who is my all time favorite. If we'd been the same age, I'm sure we would have been good friends in school.

I was so glad to see her and to meet her daughter, M. B had a huge cancerous tumor about 4 or 5 ago in her uterus, and it is sort of amazing that she was able to have a baby. I remember listening to a voice mail from her mother, fear in her voice, as she explained that B was at the hospital and was having emergency surgery.

But since that time, we've brought R and E home, and life gets busy. I hadn't emailed her in a while, and I didn't know that she was pregnant. Her baby is precious and sweet.

Just like her mom.

How about some pictures?

Gasp! I know!! Pictures on this blog-- what?!? Yeah, well, I haven't uploaded a one since May so that's why there have been none all summer long. However, I did have the girls' pictures taken a few weeks ago... Enjoy!

Ethiopian girls don't have tea parties... They have coffee ceremonies!

My beautiful babies. I love them so much.

I love this one!!

This one is my favorite of the shoot-- and probably my favorite picture of my girls together ever taken. It makes me tear up when I look at it. I can tell in this picture that they love each other. This wasn't always the case for these two babies. They have come a long way since E came home 20 months ago.

I'll try to upload some more to my computer sometime soon. It is just time consuming, and honestly, it's a low priority right now!

Balancing

I feel like this school year is going to be a balancing act. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to do it. Struggling.

I'm doing this internship for my admin license on top of everything else... It basically comes to 7.5 hours a week that I have to be doing extra duties, attending meetings, and doing other principal-ly things, whatever that means.

When I was at the orientation meeting last week, I just kept thinking, "But I don't even want to be a principal!!"

I fear I've made a mistake. You see, my passion is curriculum, not administration. My father was offered his first admin job the same day I was born, so he was a principal and then a superintendent all my life until he retired a few years ago. It is hard to be a superintendent's kid, and I am guessing it is hard to be an admin when you have children.

I decided to do this program for a few reasons:
1. Lower cost than other programs I was looking into. This is a huge factor.

2. People told me that if I get this license, I'll be able to do any of the jobs at CO and will have more flexibility than if I just did the straight curriculum and instruction license.

3. I honestly had no idea what I was truly getting into.

I kinda sorta had a little meltdown earlier this week. It was just so overwhelming to try to imagine adding the requirements for this internship to my already-full plate. But, yet, here it is. And I'm just going to muddle my way through it. How, I don't know... but I do know that I don't want to just be starting this a year from now (like if I just would have finished my classes this year and did the internship next year when I finished all the other coursework). I want to be pretty much finished.

One huge weight off my chest is that I figured out what I'm going to do for my massive internship project. It is going to involve the transition to the national Common Core standards so:
1. It is something I would want to be involved with anyway and

2. It is more curriculum-y than principal-y

For now, I would just like to be able to get through the next few weeks without having a panic attack!!

Hey, I think I read her blog...

So, A and I took the girls to this little farm/mini zoo thing (where a giraffe totally attacked me, btw, but that's a story for another day when I download the pictures) just outside of A's hometown today.

We had just come in and were visiting with some bunnies when a woman comes toward me and asks if we're an adoptive family. I smile and say that yes, we certainly are...

To which, she replies, "I thought so! I think I read your blog!"

Ok, that's so crazy as R would say! I've never actually had someone (well, except at the Created for Care retreat last winter) stop me and tell me that. Definitely not when we're just out like normal.

Turns out, she and her family are in the process of adopting a little girl from ET and are waiting for their embassy appointment! Cool!

She said that she thought we lived in *another state* and seemed surprised to find we lived not far from where she did at all.

Just funny to me what a small world it really is!

Thoughts at Two Weeks In

Just finished my second week of school. It was a lot easier than last week on us all. I'm starting to get to know the personalities of my students-- their strengths and weaknesses, too. Interesting to me that this year my one non-inclusion class is the one that has the greatest needs ability-wise. Mostly, they are sweet kids, and I think it will be a good year. In that regard, I can't complain.

As far as the teaching team goes, it's not as bad as I thought it'd be. I'm still not used to the quiet that comes along with it because everyone is so independent and still unsure of one another. I'm used to bouncing into my friend H's room across the hall a couple times a day, not barely talking to some of the teachers... It's just different.

Transitioning from coaching to teaching is exhausting and draining like I've mentioned before. It was easier this week than it was last week, so my hope is that I get more used it, it will continue to get easier. I'm starting a (short) novel in a couple weeks (Seedfolks), do my Poe unit in Oct., and start A Long Walk to Water after that... I've never taught either book so this is going to involve creating entirely new units. This is sort of intimidating, but I'm also enjoying planning for something new and working the Common Core standards into my curriculum so I'm ready when my state transitions to it in a couple years. I know that seems like it is far off, but because I'm already doing new things, I figure I might as well start now. Oh, yeah, I should also probably include some writing into my curriculum as well...

My research grad class is finished as of today. I have the weekend free of classes, and then the fall semester starts Monday. I'm taking one class and beginning my internship. I do not know how I am going to be able to find the time to complete the required hours for the internship and am trying not to have a panic attack about it. But, my option was to do it now or wait an entire year. I don't know what the next year has in store for my family, so I thought it best to go for it now instead of delaying it a year and having another entire year of grad school to go. It will be hard, but I've delayed this degree and license long enough, and I think the time is now for me to get it finished.

Gets Under my Skin

I was at the local grocery store this evening. I needed some hand soap for R, and as I walked to where it was, I passed the AA hair care section. Honestly, I'd never thought to look at what the grocery store had on its shelves in the way of AA hair care. The local megastore and Target are nearby. I've looked at the AA stuff at both multiple times, and they actually have less than the grocery store does!

But that's not really my point.

As I was looking at what was on the shelves, two store employees walked by me.

One glanced at one of the products' names and made some cruddy comment to his co-worker about it. They both laughed as they continued on their way by.

Now, these boys were high schoolers, I'm guessing. Kind of dorky looking, really. I know they didn't mean anything by it, but it bugged me. A lot.

Sigh. I guess it isn't that big of a deal, but it just bothered me.

Convo with R

Today I had the girls' pictures taken in 2 of their Ethiopian dresses. I try to do a late summer picture in them yearly. I like to send them to their birthfamilies in their yearly reports required by the ET government as well as in the bi-annual photobooks I send them. I just want the girls' 'Opia families to know that we will never forget their roots.

R today was of course talking about her 'Opia mom on the way home from the pictures. We did a few with a jebanna (ET coffee pot) and coffee cups-- the ET version of a tea party I guess-- a pretend ET Coffee Ceremony with R and E. She was talking about how she thought her birthmom would like the pictures.

Then she said, "Mommy, when I am a 4 girl (meaning, when she's 4), can we go Opia and visit my Opia mom?"

I had to tell her no. I told her that it costs a lot of money to go to Ethiopia and that we couldn't go next year.

In truth, I want to take the girls to ET someday for a visit, but it needs to be when they're older. And, in truth, today's been a really hard day with R-- acting out, tantrums, defiance. She's asleep now, and as I have time to think about our day today, I can't help but wonder if my sweet girl is missing her Opia mom today.

It is so hard to tell sometimes if her behaviors are just typical toddler/that's her personality behaviors or if they are adoption-related.

First Day of School

If you're friends with me on FB, you'll see that I posted that my first day went well. And for the most part, it did on the surface. My classes aren't too bad. I think the kids will be ok except for one little group of chatty girls who need to move seats and a grumpy boy I'll have to win over. All in all, writing abilities are better than what I've had in the past, and the kids all seem pretty sweet. A few of them even grinned at my jokes (I'm pretty mean on the first day, so I guess no one would dare laugh).

I'm structuring my lessons totally differently than I have in the past, so the amount of work is overwhelming right now. STRESSFUL. I don't know how I'm going to balance it all-- work, home life, grad school... Tonight I worked on tomorrow's lesson until I realized I'd been spacing out for at least 5 minutes so I decided to call it a night. The reason for the structure change is that since I left the classroom 2 years ago, my perspective has changed, expectations have changed, and the reliance on data to make decisions has become even more intense. I don't think I was too crappy of a teacher before, but I do think that being a curriculum coach for 2 years has definitely allowed me to grow professionally.

I get along with everyone on my team, but we're definitely lacking the camaraderie that I'm used to in a team. I call our end of the hallway upstairs "The Tomb" because the lights aren't turned on in the hall until right before the students come in (saving electricity, of course!), and no one talks to one another... Dark and quiet... Sigh. I hope it gets better because today was hard in that regard.

The first few weeks back are hard. I'm sure things will get better once I get into a routine again, stop missing my babies so much during the day, and feel like I can get a grip on my lesson planning.

Oh, did I mention I had a bloody nose right before homeroom while doing hall duty? AND, I have a huge blister on my right heel from those stupid shoes I wore today? Yep, I'm super cool. I know you all wish you had me for 8th grade language arts.

Summer's Over

It is amazing how quickly everything gets into a routine when I return to work. I spent yesterday working in my room, and today was the official workday. The kids come on Tuesday, and we have a day of meetings Monday. I was ready for the weekend today!!

The room's almost ready... I guess the question is, am I? I haven't had my own classroom for 2 years... I feel a little rusty! I found an old file that has my short stories/elements of literature unit, which is how I plan to start the year, and it feels like another person wrote it.

I am also not entirely certain how to teach without integrating it with social studies. My friend H has always been the social studies teacher on my team, and we did lots of co-planning. However, we've been separated, so I'm going to be working with a different social studies teacher. She's fine, but she's only taught 7th grade curriculum, not 8th, so I don't know this will work. Plus, umm, she's not H! It's just really weird.

Moving into my classroom has been killing my left shoulder/arm. I did something to the cartilage in my shoulder years ago, and periodically it'll flare up again. Everything involved with moving has been bad for it. Oral pain meds don't really do anything. For example, the shoulder pain yesterday afternoon was almost unbearable so when I got home I took four ibuprofen (I've never taken that many at one time) and fell asleep. It did absolutely nothing for the pain. I finally had the idea of something topical instead, and A actually had some icy-hot. I put it on, and it actually helped!! I mean, it still hurt, but I no longer felt like I would pass out from pain.

Today, it's hurting pretty badly again, so I need this weekend to recover, and luckily, I don't have any more heavy stuff to move.

And that's that. It's 8:49pm, and I'm exhausted. Early bedtime for me tonight.

Transition

Today's really my last day of summer. I don't technically have to work tomorrow, but I'm going to spend the day preparing my classroom, which is still a completely chaotic mess. I've tried to go in a few days with the girls, but it is hard to get much done with them running around. Anyway, tomorrow they are going to the new sitter's house, as well as on Friday, which is the actual official start back to school workday.

We've been talking about the end of summer for about a week or 2 now with the girls. Today has not been a good one for R (although right now she's napping, thank goodness). She's anxious and acting out and doing things on purpose to push my buttons. After about the 800th thing, I just picked her up and held her. I said, "honey, are you sad that Mommy has to go to work tomorrow?"

With that, the poor dear threw her arms around me and burst into tears. My poor girl! Transition and change is hard on her. One of the first things they told us about her when we were in Ethiopia to bring her home was that she liked routine. Even at 3 months of age, that was very clear immediately. Today, I just held her and told her that I had to return to work even though I didn't want summer to end either. I told her we'd still have plenty of time together each day to do fun things and spend time as a family.

I know she's also nervous about going to the new sitter. Even though she didn't like the old one (and we had some issues with her!) she's been asking if she's going there. I think she'll end up really liking the new sitter, but I also know this next week or two will be difficult as we make the changes.

I know change is always hard on little ones, but fall is an especially hard time of year for R. Each fall she's been home, we've experienced some regression, sadness, and acting out on her part. She also usually starts to have major sleeping issues. Poor baby.

Back to School

I found out this week that I'll definitely 100% be going back into the classroom this year. I was pretty upset (to put it mildly) on Tuesday. I'd been led to believe there was another position I'd get-- and that's not going to happen. However, with the district in the financial situation it is, I understand why the position will not be created. I just was so hoping...

I've spent a lot of yesterday and today at school moving stuff from my office into my classroom. My intervention specialist came yesterday and helped me do bulletin boards. Last week, I went to a teacher store and purchased all new paper, borders, and posters for the bulletin boards because I decided it was time for a fresh start. I love the way they look-- they are bright and cheerful and very different from what I've used in the past. (In my previous classroom, I had the same stuff up for like 4 or 5 years. Yes, I know that sounds pretty bad!)

I'm taking time to thoughtfully organize all my stuff and have purged some stuff I simply don't need. I'm thinking about new novels/books to teach and where they will fit with the standards... I can't say that I'm happy that I have to go back to grading papers and doing lesson plans at night (something I struggled with balancing with my role of being a mom before I took the coaching position).

In fact, I despise grading papers. I find it tedious and awful. I love working with students and always enjoyed for the most part the day to day tasks of teaching minus paper grading. It is so time consuming! And it is hard to sit there and grade while your children are begging you to play with them or read them a book or whatever. Plus, with grad classes now, I just don't know how I will find the extra now-required once more time to grade.

I'm also not looking forward to having a rigid daily schedule again. For the past 2 years, it has been very flexible, and I've been able to for the most part plan my day. Now, I'll be back to scheduling bathroom breaks and picking my class up from lunch, etc.

I guess I really have mixed feelings. I'm so relieved to not be returning to the building I worked in last year. I'm thankful that I have a job in a time which teaching jobs are scarce in my state. But I didn't want to return to the classroom. I'm feeling nervous about the team I'll be on... Ugh, I don't know.

I guess the bottom line is just that I really wanted that other job, and it is going to take time to get used to being in my own classroom again.

Workday is Aug. 12, so I need to get my act together quickly!!

I know I shouldn't complain but...

... it's just SO annoying!

I took R to Vacation Bible School today. There was an older (white) woman there who was very interested in the girls. She said to me, "Oh! You have some very beautiful girls with you this morning!!!!" in the tone I knew she was fishing for more information. I didn't bite.

She talked to the girls a little bit more and then finally, she says, "So, are they yours??" with that look on her face.

I said, "My girls? Are you asking me if my daughters are my daughters?" with a confused look on my face. "Of course they are!" I said as I walked away.

Oh, wait, I forgot. She then told me she has a friend who adopted a little girl "from SOME African country" and how she found ONLINE (what a novel idea!!) a site for white moms about how to do black girls' hair. That's right. And then I said, "oh, that's nice!" and THEN walked away. My bad.

Sigh. I know, I know. We need to be the poster mom and children for adoption. I should talk to her with kindness, blah, blah, blah. It just gets old.

Really old.

Yes, I know! You don't need to tell me I asked for it when A and I decided to adopt transracially! Yes, I know!! People are just curious and mean no harm!! Yes, I know!!! She was just curious about my girls and didn't mean to be rude!!! I'm totally aware of all that!!!!

It just drives me insane! Insane in the membrane! Insane in the brain!!

It's my blog!! It's my life!!! I can complain if I want!!! I wasn't rude to the woman. Not one iota!!!!

I would just like FOR ONCE to go somewhere and NOT attract attention and comments and questioning stares.

Sigh. Yes, I'm also aware that that's simply NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I get it. I've been a transracial adoptive mom for over 3 years now. I know!

On a side note, R had a great time at VBS. At the end of it, all the kids-- all ages-- gather in the main part of the church. A man who's sort of in charge (maybe the pastor-- IDK-- not my church) was talking to R's group and R gave him the picture she drew. As he did his closing remarks, he mentioned something about the picture and he wanted to thank the little girl who gave it to him although he didn't know her name.

Do you know what my girl did? In front of like 200 kids and adults, she stands up with her arms waving and says, "It was me!! My name is R!!! Hey guy, my name's R!!!!"

She's definitely not shy!

Hey, at least this post ends on a good note!

You are MY daughters...

... but you are theirs, too. And you were their daughters first.

Today, I had my first "real" conversation with R about her birthfamily and her adoption story. E was there, too, but we were driving in the van at the time, and she was busy looking through a book she brought with her.

I was heading with the girls to my friend H's house for her to watch them while I went to a culture camp meeting. R said something about returning to ET to bring more children (2 more sisters and a brother to be exact-- as she said, "because I like having a lot of little kids around!").

We talked a little bit about going to Ethiopia. She said something like, "But E and I don't have to go back there to live."

I said, "No, you and sister are Mommy and Daddy's little girls. We will never send you back to Ethiopia. We are a family forever. You will live with us until you are a grown up. We might go to Ethiopia someday as a family to visit or you might want to go there when you're big, but we're never sending you back to ET."

She then started talking about her 'Opia Mom and why she was adopted. We talked about how her birthmom couldn't care for any baby and that she made a plan... Some of what we shared is specific to her personal story and E's personal story, so that will stay private... We talked about how Mommy thinks her 'Opia Mom must have really loved her and that she is allowed to love her 'Opia Mom, too.

She then said something that broke my heart...

My 3.5 year old daughter said with tears in her eyes and the "I'm about to cry lip" sticking out:
"Sometimes we just really miss our 'Opia Moms."

Sigh. I said something like, "oh, honey, of course. Of course you and E can miss your 'Opia families." I was trying to blink back the tears as I said it.

With that, we pulled into H's drive, and she was ready to talk about what she was going to do there. The moment was over.... for her.

But it gets me thinking, as I do often, about my girls' families in Ethiopia. And about how no matter what A and I do-- no matter how great of parents we could possibly be-- our daughters are always going to be incomplete.

There is such tragedy in that.

Oh, darlings, I'm so sorry. Sometimes I wonder what we have done, what their birthfamilies have done...

And no matter how much I love them, no matter that I am their mother-- they have other mothers and families who they miss and long for.

Ways to Avoid Housework

1. Check facebook.

2. Catch up on emails.

3. Go through the ads in the Sunday paper/clip coupons.

4. Text your bff.

5. Order things for the upcoming culture camp.

6. Work on stuff for grad class.

7. Paint your toenails.

8. Watch "George" with your girls.

9. Have lunch.

10. Call your mom.

11. Read a book on the Nook. (That lasted about 5 minutes.)

12. Stare out the window.

13. Discuss why we're not watching TV right now with your 3 year old.

14. Get one kid dressed. (Other still in pjs at 3:15 pm.)

15. Complain about how hot out it is this week.

16. Read blogs.

17. Make appointment for eye examine for before insurance goes up.

18. Go to the post office.

19. Look for your favorite (and missing-- thanks R!) pen.

20. Eat a peanut butter cup.

21. Read the girls books.

22. "Sing the story of Pooh" to the girls.

23. Watch the girls put on a dance show.

24. Help R name her newly-found stuffed animal ("Baby" is what she decided on. Or "FiFi" depending on what minute it is. She already has a pink poodle named FiFi, so I am maintaining that it could get confusing.)

25. Call and pay your bill for your grad class.

26. Talk to your mom again.

Any other ideas? This has been my day so far. Have I mentioned I HATE housework? (But I sure do love the summer!!!)

Curve Ball

You can't predict the future. This I know well.

You can't always rely on the ones you put your most faith into.

Sometimes life is just really, really hard.

Today, life threw a curve ball at one of my oldest and dearest friends. The story isn't mine to tell, but I sure would appreciate some prayers for this situation.

R-isms and E-isms

My girls have been cracking me up lately. Here are some of the funny things they've been saying this summer for your amusement:

From R:

1. I'll be good, as good as moonlight.

2. (About her sister): I love her sooooooooo much! (As she hugs E so hard she falls to the floor.)

3. (When asked how she knew the sequence of traffic lights after explaining it correctly to me): Because I've only seen it like 5 times or a million!

4. We've been in the car for 5 YEARS!

5. When I am a 5 girl I won't be wild. Just 3 girls {girls who are 3 years old} are wild.

6. (After dipping a carrot stick into yogurt and then ketchup and taking a bite): Yum! Tastes like chicken!!!! {Where did she even hear that?}

7. (To the old people sitting on their porch the next block up): My name is R and I can jump high into the sky and do a flip!

From the E-poodle

1. My make sandwich and put it in my backpack for my grandmother! (She says "My" instead of "I" for everything-- adorable.)

2. I'm da baby sister. R is da big sister.

3. My want to brush you hair. It very messy. {Thanks, baby!}

4. (After baby dance class): Da lady turn Cinderella up TOO LOUD! {They're doing a dance that goes along with the song "A Dream is a Wish."}

5. (When she wants out of her crib in the morning): Mommy! Mommmmmyyyyyy! My awake! My want out! My want out! Mommy! Wake up!!!! It morning! My want out!!!!! Get up! Get up! Get up!

Magical

I guess that's how my brothers, cousins, and I used to feel about my grandparents' house when we were kids. It was a large house, built in the 1960s to my grandfather's very specific specifications (haha, redundant, much?), and we all loved it. Plenty of bedrooms, a hidden attic, a wooded area, the courtyard... I adored that house.

I think my little girl cousins really believed they were princesses and my grandparents the king and queen of our very own kingdom. I think my favorite room in the house was the den. It had a wall of bookshelves, and this beautiful brick half-circle fireplace that went from floor to ceiling. My grandfather's camel collection lived there, and I adored every one of them.

Then, my grandad died on a rainy September day after a long illness, and my grandmother died the following May.

Immediately, their house was no longer a place where fairy tales we made. We did not live happily ever after. The magic was gone, and I haven't felt it again...

Until this week.

My parents have been in the process of building a house, and they finally were able to move into last week. The house is beautiful... not that their old house wasn't nice, but it wasn't special or beautiful (we called it the big blue barn-- Dutch Colonial with tanish/grayish bricks and blue siding!) The new house in a development that's sort of out in the country outside my hometown. There's a pond out back and line of trees, and my girls' bedroom overlooks this scene. It's beautiful.

When I went to pick up the girls, it surprised me. I could see the magical feeling my cousins and I once had about my grandparents' house in my children's eyes. R said many times she didn't want to leave. As I sat out on the screened in porch, my babies in tiny wicker rocking chairs by my side, I watched the wind in the trees and heard the birds singing in them. And I think I felt the magic, too. And peace. I miss my grandparents and their home so very much.

I think about my childhood and how much my grandparents shaped who I am today... and how much I adored going to their house... and I'm so thankful that my girls will be able to have a place that is a little bit magical for them, too.

Exhaling

My R has been, umm, a handful lately, actually for several months now. At the beginning of summer, it was horrible. We spent the first 2 days of my break with her whining and fussing and screaming and yelling, etc. After 2 full days of constant battles, I was in tears, total breakdown. It was so, so hard.

Since then, she's still had days like that, but it hasn't been constant. Still, I would walk around feeling like my heart might explode from the stress of the whole thing. Lots of yelling on my part. Arguments between A and I because of the tension. And a sweet little E-poodle watching from the sidelines. I can only imagine what it was like for her. Poor curly fry.

However, the past 3 days have been great. Peaceful. When I've told R to do something or to NOT do something, she's listened. I took E and her to a playdate with another ET adoptive family on Wednesday and then to a nearby mall. It was supposed to be a short trip-- one store to grab one thing-- but it ended up being about an hour and a half because we unexpectedly ran into my bff and her precious girls so we helped them shop for a little bit, too.

And she listened. She stayed in the stroller or right next to M's older girls. She didn't grab at clothing and pull them off the shelves. She didn't fuss about wanting this or that. She didn't demand more snacks, which I'd left in the van because it was supposed to be a short trip. Above all, she listened. Did I mention she listened?? She wasn't perfect, but she was amazing. She was actually more well behaved than her normally very laid back sister.

She was pretty good Thursday and great today. I could tell she was happier today. Her sweet and silly huge smile returned today. I hadn't realized it had disappeared. She sang and danced and was sweet and helpful and kind. Sure, she was still ornery and a little wild here and there, but again, she listened and obeyed A and me. She only had to go in time out one time today, and it was for something really minor. I was mostly just making the point that she had to do what Mommy told her to do.

I don't want it to feel like I have a tally sheet of good days and bad for my R, but I am hoping that she continues to listen and obey. I don't mind if she does something she shouldn't-- as long as when she is asked to stop, she does. I know, she's only 3.5! And she is a curious little girl... I just need for our home to be peaceful like it has been the past few days.

So, with that, I feel like I can begin to exhale. My chest isn't so tight, and my vocal chords have had a rest, too.

It is so nice to be able to enjoy my precious daughter again. I love her so, so much-- no matter what-- always and forever-- but it is so amazing to be able to have fun with her instead of constantly fight with her.

Here's hoping it all lasts and only gets better from here!!

A Little over 18 Months

That's how long E has been home.

Recently, I was talking to my friend H about my girls. She mentioned that although E is almost 2.5, she just seems like she should be so much younger. I agreed and said it was because we had so much more time with R-- so much more babyhood to drink up, enjoy, relish.

E came home at 10 months, and like I've said before, not knowing really anything about the time she spent in Ethiopia before our referral of her at 8 months drives me nuts.

All the adoption books and experts say that when a child comes home, you must allow him or her to regress to their "family" age, basically starting over from the time you brought the child home as their age. (Hopefully that makes sense. I feel I'm not explaining myself very well.)

It hit me, as I talked with H, that parents need that, too. Some days, I long for those precious days of babyhood that I missed with my E. She's still so new to my family-- sometimes I need to feel like she's 18 months old instead of nearly 2.5.

I hate the "lost" time I missed with my daughter. However, I know that this time with her Ethiopian family helped to shape her and who she is today. Her journey brought her to our family, and I would never, ever change that. She is so very wholly my daughter and I still think it is a miracle that a precious baby, born in rural Ethiopia, is my daughter. But still, some days I long for an 18 month old baby.

I guess my point is that sometimes, parents need a "family" age, too. Have any of you felt this way?

Confession

My house is a total pit right now. Like, if you were to come over, I'd have to pretend like we're not home and cower downstairs until you gave up, got back in your car/van/svw/whatever, and went back home. I haven't had anyone over since R's birthday party in Nov, and there's a reason for that. The idea of having someone see what it looks like right now is humiliating. Like it's just so embarrassingly messy everywhere, and I don't know how to start or where to start. Ok, the where to start is in the kids' play area of our living room... but after that? Your guess is as good as mine.

I feel like we're totally drowning in stuff. I need to just get rid of so much of it, organize the rest, and keep it organized. This is my summer goal. How do you who work full time year round do it? I guess maybe you're better at keeping things organized than I am for one thing. Trust me, that's a very low bar.

Honestly, this isn't a new thing for me. As a child, my room was always a mess. As a college student, that didn't change, but one of my roommates was/still is a complete neat freak so it wasn't too out of control. After A and I got married, the apartment/house wasn't totally neat all the time (ok, it probably was messy), but it wasn't this bad. But then when R came home? Oh my gosh. And then E? Oh my gosh times 20. And it is not like A is helpful in keeping things clean/neat/organized. He's just as bad as I am, but he doesn't think he's responsible for anything except for his office. It's overwhelming, really.

I guess maybe the house is a metaphor for the rest of my life, as I feel like it's up in the air and disorganized, too. It's just so embarrassing. I don't want to be like this, but I honestly do not know how to change. If I get my house clean, it'll stay that way for a little while, and then, over and over again, it becomes cluttered and out of control once more.

So, maybe it's time to get off my stupid blog and start organizing something? Probably so. Ugh. Hate it!

Birthday

Today's mine. I've always liked having a June 12 birthday. I love June, and 12 seems like a comfortable number. So, in that regard, it is a good day.

I've had some trouble adjusting to the idea of creeping closer and closer to my mid 30s. My husband will be 35 his next birthday, and that shocked me when I realized it. My bff found a grey hair on her head this morning, and I feel like the bags and circles under my eyes are glaring at me, like my eyeliner got really smudged or something.

I feel like just very recently, the idea of "aging" has really started to creep up on me. It's weird to me to see pictures of myself from not that long ago and see how much older I look now. (Especially since the girls came home. Not their fault, just haven't taken care of myself like I used to.)

I have some other stuff going on, too, so I guess that's not helping. I thought the work stuff was going to get better-- and I think it will-- but I got my teaching assignment Friday, and it is less than favorable. I had my trust betrayed yesterday, and R is going through a phase in which she tantrums constantly... well I'm hoping it's a phase anyway.

So... happy birthday to me, I guess.

Another Year Over...

Wow, I cannot believe that tomorrow's the last school day with students and that Thursday is the workday... and then... then, I'll be finished!! I cannot wait to be finished with this school year!!!!

I'm so looking forward to spending the summer with my girls. I'm so looking forward to kissing this year goodbye and never looking back.

Bittersweet? Someone asked me today if it is bittersweet that I'm finishing my last few days in this job. Nope, just sweet! I still do not know what I'll be doing next school year, but I do know I'll have a job. Honestly, that's all that I care about right now. For a few weeks of the month of May, I was totally stressing myself out about what will happen next year. Now, I'm just sort of in my zen place about it. I'm not going to allow myself to stress.

Sure, I'd love to be able to move my stuff into the classroom I'll be in next year, but the principal doesn't know where I'll be placed yet (even though I was supposed to know on Friday...). So maybe that means I won't be in a classroom again. Or maybe it means, come August I'm going to have a lot of work today. Either way, it's fine.

On that note, the Merry Merry Month of May is over... Tomorrow's June 1st, and on Friday, life will be good again.

Just wondering

Do you have anyone you know whom you really like but are driven crazy by at the same time? At my job, there are 4 others people who currently have the same position that I do. We all work in different buildings in our district, so we get together weekly for meetings. One of the girls, she really sweet and nice, but she cuts me off all the time when I talk and disagrees with me allllll the time.

Like at our last meeting on Thursday, she disagreed with everything I said. Ok, maybe not everything but a lot of it. I'm probably oversensitive, but it drives me insane. I like the girl, but I get so tired of her talking over me, and when she does allow me to finish a thought, she immediately says the opposite of what I'm saying.

In fact, she had me in tears on Thursday. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal of this than it really is. The other girls always say, "oh, that's just her... she doesn't mean anything by it." Etc. It's just hurtful, and I've put up with it for 2 years now.

Now that my time in this position is winding down, maybe the point is moot now... But how to deal with her is still a mystery to me!

Melt my heart.

My favorite moment of the dance recital on Sunday?

After R danced, I rushed from the theater to the backstage area just as she and the other little girls in her class were just coming down the hall.

R looked down the hall, spotted me, yelled "there's my mom!!" and ran into my arms for a big hug with a huge smile on her beautiful face.

Oh, honey, my little dancing big girl baby, I love you so much.

Thank you for being you.

It was dance recital weekend...

... and here is my dance recital princess-baby!

Deep Thoughts... by R

Today at breakfast, R was in deep thought. A asked her what she was thinking about after a minute or two...

To which she replied: "Umm, rainbows."

I need moments like this to ground me, to remind me of how beautiful and precious my eldest daughter is. Yesterday was a rough day for us-- she was whiny and fussy and demanding... Ugh. She cried a bunch, and I yelled a bunch. Last night, as I laid in her bed with her at bedtime, we talked about how tomorrow would be another day, a better day, for Mommy and R.

Sweet girl, I thank god for you. For your beautiful spirit and soul. For the precious little girl you are and who you will grow up to be someday.

Some days I have to say, it's hard to be your mom. I imagine some days it's hard to be my daughter, too.

Some days, I forget about how my heart ached to hold you. I take you for granted.

Some days, I get so frustrated.

But, I always, always, always love you. We both need to remember that tomorrow is a new day on those hard ones.

Love isn't enough.

Do you ever have situations in which you're talking about something, and the other person just doesn't get it? I was talking with a few of my co-workers today about where they send or plan to send their children to school. I am planning to bring my kids to my district (at this point!) when the time comes. This may or may not change-- not really the point.

One of the people I was talking with attends my church and sends her kids to the school attached to it. I just mentioned something about how I'd intended to send my kids there but I had concerns about my girls' being the only black children in their grade or maybe even the school. I said that sometimes on Sundays, my girls are the only black people in the church. She said that she was sorry to hear that I didn't "feel welcome" because she'd gone to that church her whole life, etc.

I didn't mean that. Not at all. I wasn't saying that the people from the church were unwelcoming or not accepting of my kids. In fact, people always smile and are friendly to my girls. I didn't mean racism.

I meant... well, that I didn't want my kids to just stick out. I tried to explain that and she got more tense... I got more tense. I finally just said, "Well your kids aren't black." And then I tried to explain what it is like for transracially adopted kids. She wasn't getting it, and neither were the rest of the people in the group. One started talking about her twins and getting comments about them. Then they started talking about how younger kids don't notice differences, etc.

It wasn't helping.

Ugh. I don't know. I was having this conversation with people I like, trust, and admire. I didn't mean to make them feel awkward, so maybe I just shouldn't have brought it up. I was just trying to get her to see another point of view. Maybe more for me than for her. I would like just every once in a while for someone else to understand where I'm coming from with things like this.

I don't even really know what my point is here. I guess it is just hard to explain to people who have never had the same experiences I have had. I just wish things could be simple.

Like yesterday, my precious and darling R was planning on a piece of playground equipment during a birthday party for my BFF's youngest. The party was at a local park, and the kids were having a great time. R was climbing everywhere and running around. I was keeping close to her because she isn't particularly cautious on playground equipment.

I looked up. There, carved in the plastic of the playground equipment, was that word... you know what I mean. There was my beautiful daughter, who happens to be black, standing there smiling and having a great time playing, not a care in the world, with that freaking word glaring at me behind her right shoulder.

Right now, my girls of course are blind to the idea that people may not like them because of their skin color or where they came from. Right now, R can continue on in blissful ignorance of the meeting of the ugly, scrawled letters on a piece of playground equipment.

I dread the day when one of them comes home from somewhere crying because someone's said something hurtful or done something to them. It makes me sick. I'm powerless to stop it, and just the mere thought of it right now is making me feel nauseous.

My children are so loved. I wish that were enough to protect them from all the hate and stupidness that goes on in this world.

Closing Time

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

And, oh, how I am ready for a new beginning and the close of this school year. This week, I feel like I am finally awakening from the funk I've been in this entire school year. It's testing week, and including my teacher work day, I have 19 days until summer.

I haven't written for a long time about my work situation. That is not because it got any better as the school year went on. more because I just didn't have anything else to say. And, really, it didn't seem like anyone wanted to hear about my misery any longer on here anyway.

I was/am miserable pretty much daily. And that clouds everything. That's probably also why I haven't written on my blog as regularly as I used to either. Who wants to share with the world when all you feel like doing is hiding?

I couldn't see it at the time, but the weight of this school year has been pressing down on my shoulders much more than I realized. Now that I can almost see the finish line, I'm feeling better-- didn't even realize I wasn't feeling well all along.

And you know what? My kids are happier, my husband is happier, and I am happier. The stress of all this was hurting us all. I feel like caring about my appearance again and just this week have lost some weight (I've gained it at an alarming rate since Dec., when things at work were the worst)-- because I have actually cared about it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have a long ways to go before I could even get to where I was weight-wise before R came home, but this is the first time in a LONG time that I've even cared enough to do something about it.

When I applied for, interviewed for, and accepted this position almost 2 years ago, I never expected that I'd just be placed in one building this year. Frankly, had I known, I wouldn't have taken the job. I know that last year, it was better for us (my family) for me to be in a position that wasn't in the classroom. Being able to spend time nurturing my children-- especially E when she first came home-- without the burden and stress of worrying about my students, grading, lesson planning, etc-- was something we needed. (I had a really rough time returning to work after R came home.)

So, in that regard, I know taking this job was the right choice. Professionally, I've learned a lot, too, and I know that if I return to the classroom next year (that's still up in the air), I will be a better teacher because of this job. And if I'm not fated to return to the classroom, this job has given me an edge experience-wise that I never would have had otherwise.

All I know for certain is that Closing Time-- June 2-- cannot come soon enough!

Waiting List... Two Years Ago, That is!

Two years ago this evening, we received the phone call from our case manager that we were on the waiting list for a referral of an infant girl at #33. I remember thinking it was going to be an eternity until we got our referral, as 33 sounded like such a "big" number compared to where we started on the waiting list for R (at #4).

We'd waited "so long" to get on the list-- and then there we were. At the time, our agency was saying that the waiting time for a referral was 10-12 months for our parameters. One of my friends had a trip to Ethiopia scheduled for late Oct- early Nov 2009, and I just kept praying that we'd have our referral by then-- by some miracle. In the end, that miracle did happen, as we got our referral on Oct. 19, 2009.

Two years ago today, my E was a tiny 3 month old baby (oh my goodness, I'll bet she was cute-- 3 months old is the age R was when we brought her home!!). I wonder today was her day was like. While our day was one of celebration, was her family getting closer to the decision to relinquish her? I have other thoughts about this, too, but I don't feel comfortable sharing them because it involves specific questions I have about my daughter's story.

As I look back over the 2 years since our referral, I think about how my family has grown and changed. R-baby, 2 years ago today was not quite 18 months old. She was just barely talking, and now, as of a few weeks ago, she can write her name and NEVER stops talking!

Two years ago today, I was about to finish (although I didn't know it at the time) my last year teaching, as a new job came my way over the summer... On the other side of the coin, two years ago we were worried A was going to lose his job based on an (unfair) evaluation from his boss and an ultimatum.

Two years ago today, E was only a dream to us... Who she was to be was completely up to the imagination. And now, she's home. She's worked her way into the fabric of our family and is my adored, precious, darling daughter. And for that, I am so very thankful.

Umm, random

On Sunday, as I was driving home from my parents' house with the girls, I got a phone call on my cell. It wasn't a number I recognized, but I answered it anyway.

I said hello, and the man replied something about Craigslist. I couldn't understand what he was saying (and was confused), so I asked him to repeat himself. He said it again, and then I finally understood-- he was calling about "my" listing on Craigslist.

I said, "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number."

Random Guy: "Umm, I don't think I do!!!"

Me: "Yes, you do have the wrong number. I don't have anything listed on Craigslist!"

Random Guy then hangs up on me without another word.

I just found it bizarre that he'd try to argue with me about the whole thing. And this only crosses my mind because I just got another weird area code number call on my cell, this time the person asking for "Mark." My name does in fact start with M, but it isn't Mark!!

So I'm just hoping that whatever is listed on Craigslist with my cell number (or something close to it!) is sold/traded/whatever soon!

L.O.V.E.

I did a "Mommy and Me" photo shoot with my princesses on Saturday. This is just a preview; I haven't seen them all yet. I love my precious girls!

It's all in the timing

If you look to the right, you'll see the timeline for our second adoption. Two years ago today was an important day for us. It was the day that everything for our dossier and homestudy for our second adoption was officially, really and truly, complete. It meant... wait list soon.

The month of April 2009 was a really tough month for me on the adoption front. We kept getting delay after delay-- something wasn't right, a hassle here, a hassle there. All the while, I was ready. Ready. READY. READY!! to get on that wait list for our second daughter.

I remember my social worker sending me an email to tell me that those stupid child abuse checks weren't going to be done for weeks. Then, it took (seemingly) forever for those weeks to pass and for our homestudy to be completely ready. With our second adoption, we did a lot of the hurry up and wait that so many people talk about.

Being powerless to control my own fate and the fate of my family was... frustrating. Beyond frustrating. As anyone who knows me in "real life" can attest, I'm not a patient person by nature, and I like to be in control. Waiting for something to be completed, waiting for a homestudy to be written or reviewed, or waiting to get put on a waiting list, they were all very hard for me.

This is why adoption the second time around was both easier and more difficult at the same time. Easier because we knew where to go and what to do and how the process worked. More difficult because of those same reasons, and of course, I'd also assigned my own ideas about how, when, where things should take place.

Even though we're not in the process to adopt again (and won't be ready for a little while longer), I'm still on my agency's listserv. Recently, there's been some talk about the lack of referrals and how painful the waiting is. People are getting discouraged, and I don't blame them one iota. I know the feeling, oh, how I know the feeling.

(Of course I'd also argue that the waiting for a referral is nothing compared to the pain of the waiting after the referral. The time between seeing R's face for the first time and holding her in my arms were some of the darkest, most painful months of my life-- probably even worse than when my grandmother died, which was horrific for me. I thought my heart was going to break in half. I could hardly bear the pain of those months. I cried. A lot. I was probably pretty useless to my family, friends, and students during that time, too. I literally felt the pain in my chest being lifted from my body when I held her the first time. For that reason, the emotion I felt when I finally did hold her was relief. I was so relieved that it was actually really happening, that she was actually my child. Up until that point, I kept waiting for something to happen that would keep us from her. Anyway, I digress...)

Hindsight, as "they" say, is 20/20. Looking back, knowing E's journey (what little of it I've been able to piece together) to us, it make sense. I can't tell you specifically what she was doing on this day 2 years ago, but obviously she wasn't ready to come home yet. Looking back, I can see how all the painful pieces of our waiting fit together... If we'd been a week earlier or even a few days later, it wouldn't be our E who fell asleep in my arms last night or whose voice called to me from her bedroom this morning or whose lips I kissed as she left to go to my friend M's house for the day.

In my agency's welcome to the program packet, there's a letter from the case managers. I don't know if it still says this, but when we got it both times, it said something like "at the end of your adoption journey, you will be a parent, you will have a child," etc. So, even though the waiting and process are painful and can be heartbreaking, in the end, I'm a mom, times 2. It really and truly does happen.

It can be long. It can be hard. It can push you right to the edge and dangle you there... but in the end, you really and truly will bring your child home. What happens after that, well, that can be painful and difficult, too, but that's for another post.