Ugh.

My neighbor died about a week ago. He was pretty old, and he was very sick with cancer. He told me about 18 months ago that he had about 6 months to live. I always kind of looked out for him-- making sure he was ok and all that.

This weekend, his family descended on the home and cleared it out. It is weird to know the house is empty, save the random junk and things lining the garage walls.

He was kind, and he was lonely after his wife died a few years ago. I would often get "stuck" talking to him for at least 45 minutes while trying to get the groceries in, etc. He had family who lived about 30 minutes from here and who would visit sometimes, but it didn't seem like they were around often. One time he gave me his granddaughter's contact information just in case something happened.

Another time, he called me from the hospital to get his paper off the porch for him so it wasn't obvious no one was at the house.

This morning, as I left for church, his Sunday paper was on the porch. I stood by the van, not sure what to do. Take it or leave it. I decided to leave it until I returned from church. When I got back, the family had returned, and the paper was gone.

So I guess that's that.

Idiot

That would be me.

I did something REALLY stupid recently concerning work. Well, umm, what it was actually happened like a month ago, and I didn't realize at the time it was a problem. Until I was told yesterday that it was an issue.

The thing is, I KNOW better. I mean really! Did I ever tell you my dad's a former school administrator? I mean, like my entire life until he retired a few years ago (he was actually offered his first principalship the same day I was born. Anyway...) The bottom line is that I know better and shouldn't have done it.

So, I've walked around for the past 2 days feeling sick. At least I can say with certainty that my principal is "ok" with me. Just my luck, the issue extends to central office staff... so my principal talked to me yesterday to give me a "heads up."

What I did wasn't anything horrible. Like I told my principal, I would never do anything to embarrass her or my school. I take pride in always being very professional. It was just a dumb thing to do. Something I never thought would be an issue.

Also considering making this blog private. Thoughts?

A Letter

Dear Y,

(R's birthmother)

Tonight, as I cuddle our daughter close, she asked me with sleepy eyes to tell her the story of when A and I brought her home.

Out of the blue she says, "Mommy, why couldn't my 'Opia Mommy take care of me?" She caught me so off guard that I started to cry as I told why... (which I am not going to go into specifics in a blog...)

"Why does that make you cry, Mommy?" our wise almost-four-year-old asks me next. I told her that sometimes being in an adoptive family is hard. "Sometimes it's hard to be away from people we love, and it makes Mommy sad that your Opia Mommy lives far away from us."

In truth, she caught me off guard with her questions tonight.

It's been almost 4 years since you gave birth to our daughter. As her birthday inches closer, my heart gets heavier and heavier thinking of you and wondering how you are doing, what you are doing... Do you ever get the photo albums I send? Do you think about our girl? Do you regret your decision? Do you worry about her?

She's bright, shiny, beautiful.... She's smart, loving, caring, creative, amazing. Recently, she has started to adore her little sister and is such a great big sister to her. She's going to pre-school this year 3 mornings a week, and she LOVES it. At her school, the children get to make a lot of decisions about what and how they want to learn, and she is thriving.

Our girl is also strong-willed and stubborn. Knowing your story, I know she gets a lot of her determination from you.

I hope you are proud of her-- I tell her you must be. I hope you know how much she is loved, adored, and treasured. I hope you are pleased with the decisions A and I make for her. I wish so much that we were able to keep in contact with you better and that you could see her today. She is amazing.

Take care,

M

The Call- Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, we got The Call for E. We knew we were #1 on the list and that we could get the call any day. In fact, the night before (a Sunday night) I'd changed my ringtone for my agency to some crazy one that would definitely get my attention.

I was an instructional coach at that point, and it was close to 3pm when my cell phone rang the crazy ring tone as I sat in my office finishing up a few things and waiting for the end of the school day at 3:10. Sure enough, it was our case manager, J, and she had a little girl to tell us about. As she started talking, I immediately dashed out of my office and up the stairs to my friend H's classroom. (Both our referrals have taken place in her classroom now that I think about it...)

I remember shaking and crying a lot. There is something so surreal about the one moment when you become a parent through adoption. I got off the phone with my case manager after hearing the details about my girl and then calling A to tell he was now the father of two... We waited for the email to come through from the case manager with the pictures.

And, then, suddenly, there they were. I was looking at this tiny little girl who by some miracle God had deemed me fit to parent. As I've said before, she looked nothing like what I was expecting, but she was so beautiful and so, so sweet-looking. Those beautiful eyes! They were striking then and still are today. (Below, the other 2 referral pictures-- see the entry below for the other one. Yes, we ONLY received 3, which still bugs me!)

Today, we talked a little bit with the girls about what it means to become a family this way. That for us (A, R, and I), it was the day we learned that E would be a part of our family. For her, I know it was a time of confusion, fear, sadness, and mourning. We did not celebrate today but marked the occasion instead. We went to our favorite Italian place for dinner, as we have the past years. A and I spent time talking to both our girls about why we love them and how glad we are that they are members of our family.

We have come a long way as a family in the past two years, and I am so thankful that A and I are E's dad and mom.

Two years ago today, I was excited that I was now a mother of two precious girls. Today, I reflect on what lead us to each other and what a journey it has been both before and after the referral call.

E-poodle, I love you so much, baby doll! I cannot believe it has been 2 years since I saw your sweet face and learned of your story and became your momma. You are sweetness, light, grace, and love all rolled into one. I am so thankful that we are a family. Darling girl, there really are no words to explain how much I LOVE YOU! (Below, E today-- well, at least recently...)

My Two Loves

I have no idea what I did to be so blessed... My girls, today. I love them so much.

PS-- A's latest obsession? Card tricks! Shoot me!

Today

Two years ago today was a pretty normal Thursday morning for us. I got ready to go to work and had R dressed and eating breakfast. I turned on my cell phone, and it showed that I had a text message.

The message was from my friend S, and she'd written, "You're the new #1! The V family got the call!" I raced downstairs and checked the V family's blog... Their blog confirmed that they had received their referral, meaning that we were next in line. (Not that I didn't believe you, S! I just had to see it for myself!)

I told A, and we both were so excited. It is a surreal feeling to know that the next referral WILL be yours.

Two years ago today, E had made her journey from southern ET and had been at my agency's transitional home for 3 days. Knowing my child as I do now, I'm sure that it was a hard day for her. I know her tender heart now, and I am sure she was scared and was grieving her birthfamily. My poor, sweet, darling baby girl.

Two years ago today, my E, we were so excited about possibility of you. Today, I'm so thankful that I am your momma. I love you so much, little precious daughter of mine.

Favorite Month

I'm pretty sure October is my favorite month. I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE summer growing up, but I think now I prefer fall. My mom always has loved fall, and I never understood it until I was older. I mean, as a kid would love a month or season that involved being at school?

I gotta say, I love driving along and taking in the colors of the tree leaves as they change. I love the chilly mornings and bright clear days October often brings. I love that most days, it is neither too hot nor too cold when we go for a walk with the babies after work. I love that I can go to the store and buy apple cider and pumpkin pie. While the days are getting shorter, it is still light out until the girls go to bed right now.

I love going to farms and pumpkin patches and festivals with A and the girls. I love watching college football (even if my team sucks this year).

Did I mention my anniversary is in Oct.? A and I were married on a beautiful October afternoon.

I love that the first quarter of the school year is over as of this coming Tuesday.

I love that the first time I saw a picture of my sweet E was an October afternoon.

That's it for now. Other things on my mind, but that'll be for tomorrow.

Birth Family Questions

Some recently commented that they'd like to know what questions I long to have answers for from my girls' birth families. Here is a list of things I would love to ask E's birth family and some that I know the answers to from R's (but not all).

• What does ---- (the child’s name) mean?
• Who chose her name? Why?
• Can you tell us about her father and other family members (such as grandparents and siblings)?
• What is your personality like? Her father’s?
• Can you tell us a little about your life as a child?
• Was there a special song you sang to ---- (the child)?
• What was your labor and delivery like? Easy? Difficult? Long? Short?
• What time of day was she born? (For some reason, I LONG so much to know this.)
• Where was she born?
• Was she breastfed?
• Who does she resemble most, you, her father, or another relative?
• Was she a happy baby?
• What comforted her best?
• What can you tell me about the child’s other birth family members?
• What are your dreams for her?
• What is something you hope for your daughter?
• What would you like her to know about you?
• What would you like her to know about Ethiopia?

Seasons of Love

Today's A and my 8th wedding anniversary... 13 years together total as of today.

I think over the past 13 years of my life and am sometimes amazed at where we ended up... It has not always been easy for either of us, but it is certainly never dull.

There are seasons in marriage, I've learned, just as there are seasons of the year. Some seasons I've liked more than others. I'm sure A could say the same. I feel like in the past 6 months, we've started to come out of one of the less-than-desirable of those seasons.

So, today, we celebrate the day we vowed to devote our lives to each other.

Happy anniversary, dear.