At Almost Age 4

Her voice comes from the back of the van, again asking,

"Mommy, when I am four, can we go to Opia to visit my Opia mom?"

We talk a little bit about who are her parents and who her birthparents are. That adopting means for some people, like her, that they have family far away across the world.

And that, although we would love to be able to, we can't go to Ethiopia until she and her sister are older.

I look at her reflection in the rear view mirror. Tears in her eyes and the little lip is quivering.

My girl, 2 months shy of age 4, is starting to ask more and more questions about adoption.

We talk a lot about adoption these days. I know that at her age, this is normal and healthy.

But it is hard. I have so many regrets about our meeting with Y, R's Ethiopian mom. So many things I wish I would have asked her. And I wish so much that I would have pushed harder for our agency to arrange another meeting with her when we were in ET to bring E home.

I haven't ever watched the video of our meeting with Y. Perhaps, I think to myself as my daughter switches from talking about adoption and Y to talking about why grass grows, it is time.

I was so naive when we adopted R. I didn't count on all the baggage. I didn't know how it would truly affect us long term, even after reading all the books and going to the classes and talking with our social worker and our case manager.

I just didn't know. I wish I could go back to that day when we met Y for a redo. I wish I had had the sense of mind to ask her all the questions I don't have answers to for my precious, beautiful, sparkly, gift of a daughter.

Eval

Took R to an occupational therapist today for a screening/evaluation for sensory integration disorder. Basically, they acted like I was stupid at first. The OT just didn't seem to think anything was wrong. I don't know. The eval wasn't really based on what I'm concerned with. But the woman threw me off when she asked me all these questions about things that did or did not bother/affect R... I kept saying "no," and then she snapped at me. I talked a little more, and she calmed down and was friendly after that to both R and me, but I was flustered and doubting myself so I didn't even know what to say.

Bottom line is that I know something is off with my sweet girl. I just don't know what. Well, I still think it has to do with sensory integration, just not in the way that she was evaluated today. She is 2 months shy of age 4, and she was scoring at age 5 years 8 months through age six years three months on a lot of the eval. I don't think it is a physical thing that is off-- it is a wiring thing if that makes sense.

I'm frustrated, and I'm not really sure what the next step is. R's doctor said it might take a while to figure it out, so I have to keep that in mind. And that is why we're starting to look into it now-- so that by the time she's school age, we are able to know how to help her and do what she needs for school success, etc.

Pre-School

Tomorrow, my tiny little baby R goes to pre-school. How is it possible that my teeny tiny baby girl is now old enough for pre-school? This just does not seem like it could really be happening. She is nearly four-- it's been nearly four years since we received her referral-- the time has gone by in a flash. (Below, a picture from the day I met my daughter 3.5 years ago.)

My girl is so, so excited about going to school. It is going to be so good for her, too. She is going to a school that follows a Reggio philosophy, and A and I couldn't be happier with the choice for her. She is going to be learning in an amazing environment along with her BFF N. One of her teachers has Ethiopian friends and I can tell she loves R already. In fact, she's known R since she was tiny because she used to accompany my friend M to drop off her daughter T for school when she was going there.

Bottom line, tomorrow is a day that marks a change in our lives. R enters the world of school where she will be for the next 2 decades or so. Oh, honey-baby, you are growing up so very fast. I love you so much, my big, going-to- school girl.

My Favorite

Any teacher who tells you that he or she has no favorites is probably not telling the truth. Every year, I have favorites and then I have all time favorites. Kids I never will forget. Ever.

Yesterday, walking down the hall with a smile on her face and a baby carrier in her arms came my favorite. My all time favorite. Miss B. She was an 8th grader in my class my first year in my district. She's now 21. Whoa. An adult. A mommy. A wife. Whoa.

It's funny because kids freeze in my mind at whatever age they were when they were in my class. I can still picture B as she was 8 years ago as a sweet 13 year old girl.

I hadn't seen B in at least a year and a half. Ironically, I'd just found her email address on Wed afternoon and was thinking of her on Thursday all day long. I kept thinking I just needed to email her.

B wasn't my best student (by far!), but she is the one who is my all time favorite. If we'd been the same age, I'm sure we would have been good friends in school.

I was so glad to see her and to meet her daughter, M. B had a huge cancerous tumor about 4 or 5 ago in her uterus, and it is sort of amazing that she was able to have a baby. I remember listening to a voice mail from her mother, fear in her voice, as she explained that B was at the hospital and was having emergency surgery.

But since that time, we've brought R and E home, and life gets busy. I hadn't emailed her in a while, and I didn't know that she was pregnant. Her baby is precious and sweet.

Just like her mom.

How about some pictures?

Gasp! I know!! Pictures on this blog-- what?!? Yeah, well, I haven't uploaded a one since May so that's why there have been none all summer long. However, I did have the girls' pictures taken a few weeks ago... Enjoy!

Ethiopian girls don't have tea parties... They have coffee ceremonies!

My beautiful babies. I love them so much.

I love this one!!

This one is my favorite of the shoot-- and probably my favorite picture of my girls together ever taken. It makes me tear up when I look at it. I can tell in this picture that they love each other. This wasn't always the case for these two babies. They have come a long way since E came home 20 months ago.

I'll try to upload some more to my computer sometime soon. It is just time consuming, and honestly, it's a low priority right now!

Balancing

I feel like this school year is going to be a balancing act. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to do it. Struggling.

I'm doing this internship for my admin license on top of everything else... It basically comes to 7.5 hours a week that I have to be doing extra duties, attending meetings, and doing other principal-ly things, whatever that means.

When I was at the orientation meeting last week, I just kept thinking, "But I don't even want to be a principal!!"

I fear I've made a mistake. You see, my passion is curriculum, not administration. My father was offered his first admin job the same day I was born, so he was a principal and then a superintendent all my life until he retired a few years ago. It is hard to be a superintendent's kid, and I am guessing it is hard to be an admin when you have children.

I decided to do this program for a few reasons:
1. Lower cost than other programs I was looking into. This is a huge factor.

2. People told me that if I get this license, I'll be able to do any of the jobs at CO and will have more flexibility than if I just did the straight curriculum and instruction license.

3. I honestly had no idea what I was truly getting into.

I kinda sorta had a little meltdown earlier this week. It was just so overwhelming to try to imagine adding the requirements for this internship to my already-full plate. But, yet, here it is. And I'm just going to muddle my way through it. How, I don't know... but I do know that I don't want to just be starting this a year from now (like if I just would have finished my classes this year and did the internship next year when I finished all the other coursework). I want to be pretty much finished.

One huge weight off my chest is that I figured out what I'm going to do for my massive internship project. It is going to involve the transition to the national Common Core standards so:
1. It is something I would want to be involved with anyway and

2. It is more curriculum-y than principal-y

For now, I would just like to be able to get through the next few weeks without having a panic attack!!