Do you ever have situations in which you're talking about something, and the other person just doesn't get it? I was talking with a few of my co-workers today about where they send or plan to send their children to school. I am planning to bring my kids to my district (at this point!) when the time comes. This may or may not change-- not really the point.
One of the people I was talking with attends my church and sends her kids to the school attached to it. I just mentioned something about how I'd intended to send my kids there but I had concerns about my girls' being the only black children in their grade or maybe even the school. I said that sometimes on Sundays, my girls are the only black people in the church. She said that she was sorry to hear that I didn't "feel welcome" because she'd gone to that church her whole life, etc.
I didn't mean that. Not at all. I wasn't saying that the people from the church were unwelcoming or not accepting of my kids. In fact, people always smile and are friendly to my girls. I didn't mean racism.
I meant... well, that I didn't want my kids to just stick out. I tried to explain that and she got more tense... I got more tense. I finally just said, "Well your kids aren't black." And then I tried to explain what it is like for transracially adopted kids. She wasn't getting it, and neither were the rest of the people in the group. One started talking about her twins and getting comments about them. Then they started talking about how younger kids don't notice differences, etc.
It wasn't helping.
Ugh. I don't know. I was having this conversation with people I like, trust, and admire. I didn't mean to make them feel awkward, so maybe I just shouldn't have brought it up. I was just trying to get her to see another point of view. Maybe more for me than for her. I would like just every once in a while for someone else to understand where I'm coming from with things like this.
I don't even really know what my point is here. I guess it is just hard to explain to people who have never had the same experiences I have had. I just wish things could be simple.
Like yesterday, my precious and darling R was planning on a piece of playground equipment during a birthday party for my BFF's youngest. The party was at a local park, and the kids were having a great time. R was climbing everywhere and running around. I was keeping close to her because she isn't particularly cautious on playground equipment.
I looked up. There, carved in the plastic of the playground equipment, was that word... you know what I mean. There was my beautiful daughter, who happens to be black, standing there smiling and having a great time playing, not a care in the world, with that freaking word glaring at me behind her right shoulder.
Right now, my girls of course are blind to the idea that people may not like them because of their skin color or where they came from. Right now, R can continue on in blissful ignorance of the meeting of the ugly, scrawled letters on a piece of playground equipment.
I dread the day when one of them comes home from somewhere crying because someone's said something hurtful or done something to them. It makes me sick. I'm powerless to stop it, and just the mere thought of it right now is making me feel nauseous.
My children are so loved. I wish that were enough to protect them from all the hate and stupidness that goes on in this world.
6 comments:
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Hi, I get it, or at least I think I get it. My son is one, so schools are not an issue yet, but the thoughts about were he will start is already here. We live in Sweden, a country that is so homogeny that you don’t even se the differences because everybody has always been kind of “the same”, historically everything has been very equal (you go to the same church governed by the state and the schools were run by the church/priests, everybody is white, most people lived in farms, and so on). It is kind of hard to explain, I hope you get it (otherwise I have to write it in Swedish :) ). The equal thing is good when it comes to things like maternity leave (paid by the state, three month to each parent that you can’t share and 280 days you can split between the parents), equal payment for men and women and equal taxes... :) Luckily we have some foreigners who wants to live with us, we have quite a large number of refugees coming here, now about 20% of the population comes from abroad. We live in a small village and we have the choice between the small village school or to drive our son to the nearest town. The village school is calm, close, the neighbour's kids go there but our son might be the only black person, the school in town has students of different skin colours, but are a lot busier. How should you know what is best? Sorry about the long comment when all I wanted to say is “I get it”.
Ps. I am one of the persons reading your blog but I am not making a lot of comments.
oh yeah... it's so hard to say 'this is hard for me and my kids' without people hearing 'i think you're a racist'.
tough stuff, huh?
Totally get it. There are a lot of things that blow by some people because they don't have black children. So I don't talk to them. haha. Well, I avoid subjects like the one you speak of unless it is with another transracial parent.
I've been there with the exasperating conversations; you may as well talk to a wall. Completely frustrating...I think there are so many people who can't step out of their own shoes. :(
I think future conversations with our children are quite scary to think about, but we can and will make it. I am just so glad to have families like you for support and who understand just how difficult it will be.
I hear ya...
You are awesome. Your girls are awesome, but you're right there is no justice in what our kids will have to face in the not so distant future.
In the mean time little R. and E are lucky to have parents who are so thoughtful about their racial identity.
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