Long-Lost

One of the things I like about Facebook is that I can connect with other adoptive families as well as my extended family.  All my cousins on my mom's side of my family are on FB, and I love that I can see what's going on with them here and there via facebook.  Three cousins (well, make that four-- stay with a minute) on my Dad's side also are there.  Although we seldom see them, I like that I can connect with them, too.

So, in the spring of this year, I tried to track down one of my cousins on my Dad's side.  My uncle, his father, allowed my cousin's stepfather to adopt him when we were all young; I think I was 8 and M was around 11.  After that, he just disappeared from our lives until I was 17, and he came to our grandpa's funeral.  After that, he disappeared again.

Some time in the spring, I decided to see if I could find him out there in FB land.  Within like 2 seconds of typing his name into the search-- there he was.  My cousin.  15 years older looking, but it was definitely him. So I sent him a message, and he replied.  We're now "friends" on FB, and it's an amazing thing to be able to reconnect with him again.

When we were kids, M would come up from ** (where he lived as a child) and spend a lot of the summer with his dad/our grandparents/my family.  J (my brother), M, and I had so much fun together.  He was like an older brother to both of us more than he was a cousin.  We did family trips with him, and we spent almost every day in the summers with him, except when he had to spend days with his mom's side of his family.

And then, suddenly, he was gone.  I remember my mom telling us his last name had changed and that we probably wouldn't see him again for a long time.  I know I didn't understand it at the time, and my memories of what happened exactly are clouded by that childhood misunderstanding and confusion about losing my cousin with no warning or real reason why.  He just disappeared from our lives.  We didn't have contact again with him until, like I said, our grandpa died.

Recently, though, via FB, M and I have been able to reconnect.  After some bad years, I think he's finally happy now and in a good place in life.  I'm really glad about that.  He wants to meet his 3 siblings-- my uncle's other kids from his second marriage-- whom he's never met.  I don't know if that will happen, but for now, I'm thankful that we've been able to talk and get some of the hurts of the past out in the open.

Hopefully he's forgiven us all for abandoning him.

The School Shooting

Oh, my heart.  It breaks for those families who lost their children yesterday and for the families of the teachers and administrator who also lost their lives protecting their students.

I get CNN news updates on my phone and briefly saw the flash of it while I was in the library with my students yesterday.  Eventually, it was my planning, and I took my phone out to see a text from A about it.

I went online and saw what he was talking about.  I can't even imagine the horror of what I saw unfolding.

I try to picture what I would do if it were my school, my students.  Would I have the semblance of mind to react as those teachers did?  Would I be courageous enough to try stop the shooter like the principal and counselor did?  Or would I hide under my desk, cowering in fear?

I think about the parents of the children who were murdered.  They must have been preparing for the upcoming winter break, for Christmas, or maybe just simply for the weekend.  I think about those children who witnessed their classmates' deaths.  Those teachers who tried to protect those babies...  And I tear up, over and over.

I've seen a lot posted on FB about gun control, about home schooling, about this, and about that...  I don't know who is right and who is wrong.  I can only see it from my perspective, as a mom of two little girls who some day soon (sooner than I'd wish) will be public school students and as a public school teacher who does what she can each day for her students.  If it were me, I don't know how I would move on.

Five Years

Five years ago today, we "the call" for a tiny and precious 3 week old baby girl with big, beautiful, curious brown eyes.  Oh, what a sweet baby she was.  All 17 pictures of her.  This child was the one my heart had longed for-- my R!  I couldn't believe I was FINALLY a mom...  and A was finally a dad.

It is an amazing thing, seeing your child's face for the first time.  While our journey to parenthood was not conventional, I am so thankful it has played out the way it did.  Even five years late, I am in awe of her, my daughter, and in awe of the fact that somehow I get to be her mom.  I doubt that feeling will ever go away.  R is an amazing child.

It is hard to imagine, now, life without her, life before her.  I know that before her, I was sad sometimes.  I was jealous of others sometimes.  I was frustrated with my lot in life sometimes.  Seeing her face on that chilly December Friday afternoon made it better.

When we got our referral for R, I remember shaking and crying-- A LOT.  I couldn't believe it was actually happening.  I knew right away she was mine; I loved her whole-heartedly instantly.

Oh, R, how I love you.  I can't believe it has been 5 years.  You are amazing.  You are beautiful.  You are strong.  You are loved.  You are funny.  You are sassy.  You are creative.  You are intelligent.  You are my daughter.   I love you.  So, so much.