Twilight, here we come!

Tonight I am going to see the premier of the newest movie in the the Twilight saga, Eclipse. The theater is also showing the first two movies, so we get to see these, too. I'm so excited! Two of my dear friends are coming with me, and I am looking forward to spending time with them (sans kids) as much as I am seeing the movie. It is going to be great to do something fun and silly with my BFF! (Yep, I'm 15 today, and I don't care. Back to being a mom in her-- gasp-- thirties tomorrow.)

6 Months

Exactly 6 months ago, I held E in my arms for the first time.

A and I walked the path to the famous (hallowed, fabled, almost mystical to me) red gates of HH, the last travel group to do so. As we walked, I was so calm. So I thought.

After all, we'd done this before, right? Old pros. We'd joked all morning long about just walking up to HH, visible from the hotel staircase window, and meeting E early.

As we made our way closer, I could feel the energy in the air as all 11 families prepared to meet their children.

Then, we rounded the corner and the gates jumped into view. I remember gasping-- were we really here again?? A and I held hands as we crossed the threshold of HH again to meet our destiny.

We wait. Not patiently. As other families meet their children, I get anxious to meet my daughter. It was no spotting her from across the yard like it was with R. This time, it was naptime, and the babies were being brought out one at a time.

Finally, the transition home director motions for A and I to follow her. We enter the house and start up the stairs. A special mother holds a screaming baby, and just as I am thinking, "I'm so glad that's not T!" she stops me from walking another step and says in broken English, "T? T's mom?"

Oops. That IS MY screaming child. And then she was in my arms, a bundle of fury, terror, and anger. Do I dare tell you what I was really thinking? I guess so.

I was thinking that it had to be a mistake. This tiny angry girl could not be my child. Nope, the special mother was confused and handed the wrong baby to me. I look up in confusion at A, and I still to this day do not know what he was thinking at that moment.

We walked down the steps (we were 1/2 way up them) and out into the courtyard with our screaming baby.

We watch the other couples meet their children, none of which are screaming as much or as loudly as T continues to do. I was rattled. I was scared. I was worried. Had we made a mistake?

(You have to remember that our moment meeting R was the picture perfect gotcha moment, the one parents hope and dream for while they wait to be united with their children.)

T/E continues to scream. Loudly. Bloody murder. I try all my mommy tricks that always work with R, and none help. Rocking, patting, "ishy ishy ishy" ("it's ok" in Amharic), massaging her head (with weird stuff on the scalp-- ewwww). I hand her to A and the screaming continues. Finally, all the families are united with their children, and A (HH director) comes over to us.

She hold T close to her chest and repeats over and over a word I don't know. It sounds like she's saying "back" over and over again in a slow, deep, and guttural tone. It soothes the baby, and A hands her back to me.

And finally, I'm holding her and can look at her. I do not love her instantly like I did with R. At that moment, I felt so horrible for her. I knew how terrified she must have been being jostled awake from her nap and thrust into the arms of strangers who don't smell, look, or sound like what she's used to. I feel myself tearing up, but I do not cry.

I see she has a cute nose and that her skin tone is darker than R's and creamy soft. She had tiny, tiny toes, especially the pinky toe. She has something weird on her head, but we knew that from our referral information (note: it is some sort of viral thing; we know that now).

She's beautiful.

She's sweaty!

Is she really my child?????

We mill around with the other families, and I don't really know what to do. I guess someone takes a picture of us. I'm still holding this baby wondering what in the heck I've done...

As I reflect on the events of half a year ago, I look at how far we've come-- as individuals, as a family. A stranger-baby who wouldn't allow me to touch her while we were in Ethiopia is now my precious, sweet, darling, and dear E. A baby who wouldn't smile much for the first month now smiles constantly.

And, E and I adore each other. Time and closeness has healed the wounds we both had from our rough beginning. The memory is still there for me, but it no longer hurts. Scared and sick T has become my happy and smiley E.

These 6 months have not been easy. But, what in life is? But, thinking today about meeting E for the first time, I know that even though I was full of doubt then, E was meant be my daughter. And I'm so thankful that the crying baby from the staircase IS MY child and not someone else's baby girl.

My E, how I love you!

The Blahs

As my mom would say, I have The Blahs this week.

It has been hot-- ungodly hot and humid-- rainy, too, so taking the girls outside for a long period of time isn't pleasant. R has been a handful-- not napping AT ALL and getting out of her bed multiple times before she'll go to sleep at night. She is constantly pushing the limits on everything. E had her first real toddler tantrum yesterday-- mean mommy wouldn't give her ANOTHER cheese stick. (This girl loves cheese.) R had a potty accident and then had a tantrum because I wouldn't let her continue to wear the then pee-covered pink capris.

Nothing more to say, really. Just been a long week. Blah blah blah.

Follow Up to Social Anxiety

Ok y'all, we went to the party.

It was lovely.

You were right. No one cared what I wore or what my hair looked like. At least as far as I could tell. A behaved himself, and the girls were darling. L and M (the parents) were happy to see us and doted on the girls. I loved seeing their little one and catching up with them as much as one can at a party. They are such a neat family. Their house was indeed outta our league, and they had valet parking. However, those two things were the only ways in which I felt inadequate, and I feel like that's pretty good considering how very anxious I was about attending.

We have tentative plans to meet them for dinner at an ET restaurant sometime soon.

And, after all, they are two people with whom we have a unique bond. We met our daughters at the same time, in the same place. So, in that way, they are a part of our adoptive family.

Social Anxiety

(R in beads and braids in the post below if you didn't see it yet.)

Sigh. We are supposed to go to a birthday party for one of children of E's travel group on Saturday. I was really looking forward to it when we first got the invitation for it. As the date gets closer (Saturday), I am more and more anxious and nervous about it.

When we found out while in ET that there were 2 families who lived fairly close to us, we were excited!! It was nice to have them just an hour or so away.

This couple was (were?, help me out, M!) super nice to us in Ethiopia. We enjoyed talking with them and getting to know them. I looked forward to visiting with them when we came home. Now it has been 5 1/2 months, and we haven't gotten together with them once.

However, they're both doctors, and I can only imagine what their house looks like. I'm sure it is in a whole different league than ours... And going to something in which I don't know anyone except the host is stressful for me. My hair's looking awful (needed a haircut at least weeks ago by now), and what in the world do I wear? And I never know what A is going to say in social situations like this.

So, I don't know if we'll actually go or not at this point.

Bring on the Beads

R's hair (tried to post them last night, but it didn't work)...
Above, she works hard opening and closing the snaps. "Mom, made that!" she would say with each one. "That's great, baby!" I'd reply.
Above I am trying to get her to stay still and smile for the camera. Ignore the yogurt on her face, please.

Again, playing with the snaps. Which, by the way, do any of you use the snaps? I tried them, and they literally were all falling off so I just went with the beads and rubber bands. I don't know what I was doing wrong.

Above, here's the back! For this first time attempting beads, I didn't worry at all about the parts on the braids. I know it would probably look better if the parts were cleaner, but I also knew that'd take me forever. Next time, I'm going to divide the hair into four sections with clean parts and work from there. Eventually, I'll attempt box braids and beads. However, neither R nor I really have the patience for the length of time that takes me or for how still she has to sit. I will also use more beads next time and figured out how to make the ends look a little cleaner when I was almost finished. Look how long her hair is!

All in all, she LOVES her hair this way, and I'm happy with it, too. The whole process took about 3 hours, but that is with having dinner (well she ate while I worked) and taking some breaks. This morning, I sort of put it up for her dance class, and she wears pig tails for bed time. I also have a satin cap (on top of the pillowcase I already use-- overkill maybe, but oh well) that I will make her wear when it arrives in the mail.

I broke the beader on the second or third braid, so I had A go try to find one at a place near my house. They didn't have them, and they sent him to another place... He ended up going to 4 different stores without success and came home with a crochet hook. It worked, although it was awkward. I think it is crap that it is so hard to find beaders in stores!

Looking forward to trying different styles over the new 2 months before I have to go back to work!

31

Today's my birthday.

I'm feeling pretty neutral about the whole thing.

This morning, we went to a street fair in a quirky little town about 25 minutes away from ours. We always go, and I was looking forward to it. A and I strapped the girls into their carriers and set off.

And it poured. We weren't there very long, but at least we were able to get R a balloon (E's came off her wrist and floated away).

We came home, and R had a major meltdown before taking a much-needed nap. Good lord, I know the twos are terrible, but this is bad. And very hard. She challenges everything. We're both very stubborn. Yes, I'm the adult, but sometimes there are things she must do or not do, sometimes simply for her own safety. As much as I love being home with the girls, this is one part about summer that I dread.

While the girls napped, I went to the store and picked out exactly what I wanted for dinner. Pasta in a sauce from a local Italian place (used to go all the time pre-children!), some salad, a lovely loaf of bread, a peach pie, and a bottle of wine.

A cooked it all for us, and it was lovely.

A then took the girls to the store to "get some diet Coke." I stayed home and read a book (The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner). I knew he'd come back with something for me, and he did. A card the girls "signed." Very cute. The Eclipse soundtrack. And R told me he got my favorite chocolate, too, but that will have to wait.

Now, R keeps coming downstairs and will not stay in her bed. A is up there with her.

I just finished my second glass of wine and am now going to return to my book after I go up and kiss the princess goodnight-- again.

Sigh

Today I happened upon an uncomfortable conversation with some attendees at a professional development session I was helping to run.

It was during lunch, and the group was sharing stories about their grandmothers. One of the woman was someone who I'd never met, and she started telling a story about her grandmother getting pulled over for speeding or something.

She was trying to make this point about considering the ages of people and the day and time in which they were raised, etc.

She said the her grandmother was pulled over by a black police officer, and as her grandmother was telling the story, she was referring to the officer as an "n" word. The woman said something like, "but consider the time she was raised in. She grew up in a time when that was acceptable and common. You have to keep that in mind..."

And she was expecting the group to agree. You know, to say that it is ok for old woman to describe people who have the same skin color as my daughters as "n" words.

Umm, no.

Times change.

I don't care if the grandmother was born in 1918 or whatever.

USING THAT WORD IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. AT ALL. NEVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

And to try to defend that behavior is equally appalling.

After that, I passed around my cell phone so the other people in the group could see the picture my friend had just sent me.

Of my daughter getting ready for her first dance class today. My beautiful, smiley, precious, sweet, cherished daughter. Who happens to be black.

Then I got up and left the table.

Ballies and Beaders and Beads, Oh My!

Well, it is time to start seriously learning how to do R's hair so she looks more like a typical AA child.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE her hair in a little curly fro.

But, if you look at a group of little AA 2 year olds, mine stands out.

I mean, more than she already does with white parents.

So, I need to start. And when I talked to her about getting beads in her hair like another little girl at our ET families get together today, her little eyes lit up. She wanted me to do it "RIGHT NOOOOOOWWWW Mom!"

Also, E's hair is going to require braiding more than R's does so I need to learn how to do braided styles well before E's hair is long enough.

Now that I'm off work for the summer, I will have the time to devote to learning to do styles and experimenting. Hopefully I can learn before summer ends and be able to do it more efficiently by the time I go back to work.

Any website and/or book suggestions? Or tips? I've done some braiding and all that, but I've never tried beads.

Barf and a Trip to the Dentist

That's what today entailed for me. I guess, if you want to be fussy about it, the barf was in the middle of the night, but still.

I experienced my first real "kid barf" in the wee hours of the morning (R has never had the flu). E was up most of the night crying her head off and tossing and turning. Some in her crib, some in bed with us.

Finally, at 4:15am, she'd had enough and got sick all over herself, our bed, and me. It was everywhere, and I'll spare you the rest of the details. A and I gave her a bath, and she and I finally passed out around 6am for a few hours.

R has been complaining that her teeth have been hurting for a couple weeks now. The other day, I noticed that her gum was bleeding when I brushed her teeth. This morning, her gums were looking red and swollen.

So, with a fussy, tired baby on my lap, I finally found a dentist in my area who takes my insurance. (A and I go where I've gone my whole life, which is 45 minutes away. I want the girls' doctors, etc., to be closer to where we live now.)

Turns out, of course, there's nothing wrong with R's month. Just getting more teeth in. But, my big girl baby did awesome! She sat in the big chair with Beary and did everything they told her to do. She didn't seem to be scared, and we now have an appointment for her first cleaning in mid-August. Hopefully next trip goes just as smoothly! I did take a picture with my phone, but I can't get pictures from my phone to my computer right now! Trust me, it's darling.

So, that's my day... and now the baby is crying again so I am off to go get her. Poor little thing.

Five Months Home

E has been home five months today! She's awesome. We all adore her. Nuff said. :)