E Day, 2 years later

On Dec. 27, 2009, A and I met E for the first time, after an adoption journey of nearly 10 months. This day, 2 years ago, was a special day in our family, and we call it "E Day" now. The morning of the day I met my second daughter, I could not have really imagined how the day would end.

I awoke excited and ready to love on our daughter. I went to sleep that night practically broken and terrified that we'd made a mistake. Two years later, I can say with confidence that our adoption of E was NOT by any means a mistake, but that first day and night with E... It was oh so hard.

E was terrified of us (especially me) from the moment she was placed in my arms, screaming her baby lungs out. Knowing my daughter as I do now, this makes perfect sense. But at the time, it was terrifying beyond measure. I was totally unprepared to be the mother of a child who immediately began crying the moment she saw me for those first few horrible days in Ethiopia. With R, it was picture perfect, a "gotcha" moment any adoptive family dreams of. With E, not so much.

Poor baby. And dare I say, poor me and definitely poor A. He had to do most of the parenting while we were in ET and on our journey home as E would simply scream if she were placed in my arms. Honestly, I wasn't fond of her either. I felt like I was baby sitting someone else's scared, sick, and parasite filled (sorry!) child.

Over the next few days, she would at least tolerate my presence. I will never forget the look on her face when A and I returned from shopping and I went to get her from our agency's home. A was charged with helping to move the agency's washing machine to their new location for their home (they moved the week we were in ET). I was charged with taking the baby back to the hotel. She cried the entire 2.5 hours I had her alone. I cried, too. I was so scared. She even sobbed in her sleep. At one point, one of the hotel workers came and brought us our clean laundry. She took E from me, and E stopped crying. It appeared ANY ET woman would do over me, the person charged to be her mom for the rest of both our lives. When A returned to the hotel, he was able to get her to calm down. I would have to say that those 2.5 hours were the worst of the trip.

I won't and don't share pictures of our first day with E. They are, quite frankly, painful to look at, even now that E and I love and adore each other. I see us, both terrified of what is happening to us when I look at those pictures.

However, today, my E, I want you to know that I love you so, so much, more than you might not ever be able to know. I am so thankful that that terrified baby I met 2 years ago today was in fact MY daughter. I love, love, love, love, YOU, my sweet girl.

Reflecting

Two years ago today, I was somewhere between {our home} and Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. A and I were on our way to bring home our precious E. What an exciting time and trip this was for us. We left our R with our friends H and M until my parents returned home from Fl a few days later.

I could write and write and write about the experience of traveling to bring E home. But not tonight, as I'm exhausted after a lovely Christmas celebrated with our family at my parents' house. This is the first year since R has come home that we really "did" Christmas, and it was a lot of fun for the babies. I had forgotten how truly magical Christmas can be.

While we definitely didn't push the idea of Santa on the girls, they picked it up from other places, so we went with it to a point. My mom, my brother's fiancee, and I did the stockings-- forgotten how much fun stockings are to do (used to be my favorite part of Christmas Day at my grandparents' house), and we gave the girls a couple little gifts from "Santa," too.

This was the first time in many years that Christmas felt like Christmas to me, if that makes sense.

I hope your Christmas was a lovely day with your family and friends.

Merry Christmas and good night.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

I promised to post pictures once I received them from the photographer... Here is a sampling of the pictures from Saturday. Not bad, considering A had to do their hair (I was sick with the flu) and took them to the photo shoot. It was 20 minutes long... and he showed up 10 minutes late! Still, the photographer got some great shots!

Above: Telling baby sister a secret!

I LOVE this picture of my sweet E!!

Both my girls... stunningly beautiful in different ways. Wow!

She looks almost angelic here!

My friend M's girls and my girls. All ready to celebrate Christmas in a few days!

Mommy Guilt

So I guess I probably went overboard for the girls for Christmas this year. But it is hard not to. This is where my guilt manifests. Guilt? What guilt? The guilt I have for not being there for my children for the first precious months of their lives.

I try not to think of it-- but I can't get rid of the guilt no matter what I do. I guess that never goes away because it hasn't in the four years I've been a mom to a child who is adopted. So I spoil the crap out of them at Christmas, birthdays, and "R" and "E" days (the days we met the girls).

I don't care. If you saw where R lived the first weeks of her life, you just might feel the same way. I saw it, and I will never forget it.

And E? My sweet little baby doll? Obviously I don't know much about her life before referral, which was at 8 months. So I spoil her, too.

I just love those little girls so much. And it breaks me right in half that I couldn't be there for them when they were at their tiniest and most vulnerable.

On a side, but slightly related note, I'm (more than) considering hiring a searcher to find E's birthfamily, R's, too. I don't really know how to do it or where to begin or how much it would cost. But... I really feel like time is of the essence and that it needs to be done soon. I just need to do it. Right? Thoughts??

I'm finished! (Just in the nick of time to enjoy Christmas)

For the semester, that is. I'm finished with grad school for a few weeks (as well as regular, work-type school..), and I could not be happier. At a year into grad school, I'm, in truth, hating every minute of it. Does that sound too negative? I don't know; maybe it does. But, honestly, that's how I feel about it. I hate the time it takes away from my family, I hate the paper writing and the discussion board posting, and I hate the internship that seems like it will never end!

I know I brought all this upon myself entirely, but I also had no choice if I don't want to teach forever. And I've always known I don't want to do that. I just needed start it. I'd actually delayed starting another masters for years. For both adoptions and then for another year after that while we fumbled our way through becoming a family of 4. We knew we were in a place in which we were finished adopting for a while (maybe forever?), so I knew it was time for me to start. Right now I have the internship and some classes to take next semester and then maybe just one more class to be finished! That seems feasible, but I also feel pretty burned out.

E was also sick on Tues night/Wed this week so I stayed home with her on Wed. She was sicker than either girl has been. Every 20 minutes or so, all night long on Tuesday, she threw up. It was awful. And of course, in the middle of the night on Thursday, I also got it. I mean, I figured it was a done deal, but what was I supposed to do? I had to take care of the baby! So my final paper that was supposed to be completed last night I was able to extend to finish today, which was nice.

I'm still feel weak and off and somewhat dizzy when I try to walk too much. I hoping that is better tomorrow because we're planning to take the girls to a winter celebration at a nearby zoo.

And, oh, did I mention our furnace went out last Friday so we spent the entire week at my parents' house? I was thankful for a place to go, but you know how it is... There is a reason why kids don't live with their parents forever!

Sigh... Now that grad school is finished for a few weeks and work is finished for two, I'm ready to enjoy the Christmas season.

And, oh yeah, my little brother closed on his new house on Friday and moved in yesterday. I haven't seen it yet, but I can't wait to do so on Tuesday... And my other brother (a year younger than I) is moving to Orlando right at the beginning of the new year! Lots of changes going on in my family.

And, the girls got cutie Christmas pajama outfit pictures taken yesterday, which I will share when I get them. :)