Good Bye, 2010

I keep thinking that I'll just end this blog at some point, but over the past couple days, I've been rereading some of my posts from the beginning of this year... There are all these little details that are sort of blurry and fuzzy around the edges until I read what I wrote about them in my posts. For that reason, I'm going to try to keep on writing.

I suppose I should do a year-in-review post as the last one of this crazy year, but I'm not going to. The year in review is this: On New Year's Day, we became a family of 4. Everything else has been the journey that stems from that single event.

Tomorrow, we'll celebrate "Family Day," the day that our family was united, the day we brought E home. We will celebrate quietly as a family.

I can't think of a better way to spend the first day of 2011.

Happy New Year, my friends.

A Year

A year ago, we were in ET to bring our E home. I really can't believe that we are at the year mark already. On E Day (Dec. 27th), we were on vacation without internet access, so I wasn't able to post anything on that day. I've written a lot about the day we met E, so today, I'm going to share the story I tell my girls about when we met E.

Mommy and Daddy flew all through the day and the night, all the way into Ethiopia, to Addis Ababa where E lived until it was time to bring her home. When we got to Ethiopia, it was night, and it was raining. We were very tired so we went to the hotel and went to bed. (R will ask always who drove us to the hotel-- so I tell her that, too.)

When we got up the next morning, it was the day we were going to meet our baby daughter, E. Mommy and Daddy came downstairs and ate breakfast and met some of the other families who were going to meet their children, too. Finally, A came to take us to meet our girl.

So, Mommy and Daddy went up the hill and around the corner and through the gates of {our agency's home} and into the court yard. This time, all the babies were sleeping (When we met R, they were all in the court yard, as it was morning) because it was nap time. Mommy and Daddy waited while other families met their babies.

Finally, A said, "J family, come in" so we followed A into the house where E was. As we walked up the stairs, a special mother was carrying a screaming baby down the steps. Mommy thought, "I'm glad that's not our crying baby!" But then the special mother said, "T? T's mom?" and handed E to Mommy.

E was so scared when she first met Mommy and Daddy and she didn't like us at first. She cried and cried because she didn't know who we were and she had just been awoken from a nap. Finally, E went back to sleep, and Mommy and Daddy were able to look at her face and see how pretty she was. Mommy, Daddy, and E were a family forever.

So, for better or for worse, this is the story I tell my children about first meeting E. What I don't tell her (yet) is how terrified I was that our girl was so scared and how completely rejected me. I don't tell her that ANY Ethiopian was better than me for her while we were ET and that it broke my heart to see her tense up and tear up as soon as I came near.

My precious, precious E. We have come so far in a year, and I'm so thankful to be your mother. You are my little love, my E-poodle, and I will love you forever.

Break!! Vacation!! Christmas!!

All of these things are happening this week. I'm so thankful that I finally gave in at the end of my freshman year of college and decided to declare education as my major. (Also glad that I choose language arts instead of French. Can you imagine??) I love being able to be off work and with my children. It truly is an amazing blessing to be able to automatically have time off to spend holidays with my family.

Speaking of work, there is a new development... The coaching program is changing so the one thing that is certain is that I will NOT be in my current position next year. Two options:
1. Return to the classroom (hopefully 8th grade language arts)

2. Apply and interview for a position that has been created because of Race to the Top funds. It is more a curriculum support position than it is an instructional coaching position so it will be posted to the entire district... No guarantee that I'd get the job so I might just end up with #1 being my only option. Honestly, I don't even know what all is involved in this job. The State still really doesn't know!

I have a meeting with the HR director on Jan. 3 at 1pm, as the curriculum director wants to know what the coaches' intentions are by Jan. 7. A wants me to not even interview for the RttT job and just return to the classroom. He says I was happier as a teacher than I am as coach, and he's probably right. But.... I don't want to be in the classroom my whole career, and, like the coaching position, this other one has the potential to be a stepping stone to another job (one I would want long term).

Regardless, the good news is that I will not be working exclusively in the building I'm in now, which is a relief. The RttT position is working with grades 5-12, and if I would be back in the classroom, my license isn't even for the grade level I work with now so I wouldn't be placed there.

We leave for vacation on Wed. morning for a week. Looking forward to getting away with my whole family! I'm nervous about the plane ride with the girls, as R has been umm, not good lately and E just in the past week has decided "No" is her favorite word. I have to say that it has been a struggle. I feel like I'm just barely staying afloat right now when it comes to the girls.

R was HORRIBLE today at church, and I ended up leaving early. R ran back into the service while E stood in the back of church by herself because I had to run back in after her. Then E fell and cut herself right under the nose and was screaming for me to hold her while I was trying to carry a kicking and screaming R. It was awful and embarrassing and stressful. I had just wanted to spend a Sunday morning at church with my girls, and it ended in disaster. I do not know what to do with R when she is behaving that way. I'm terrified of what the future holds for her. And I'm so frustrated by it. Why is it that I can maintain order and discipline with a classroom of 25+ 8th grade students but cannot manage to control my 3 year old?

I love my girl so much. R was the answer to many a prayer to have a daughter someday. She's an amazing child and is so full of life and goodness. But she will not listen or do what I say without a struggle. It can be something as simple as washing her hands after using the bathroom to something as major as the incident this morning at church. I just want my home to be calm and peaceful. Sometimes I feel so tense that my heart might explode.

Just get me through this week.

Today was hard. R had a major meltdown before leaving the house, during the ride to the sitter's, and as I was trying to leave her house to get to work. As I pulled out of the driveway, all I saw was her little beautiful face crying for me in the window.

And, yet, I went to work. With tears in my eyes and my heart broken in half. This just simply does not help my work situation. Yes, I know I blather on about it, but that's what is going on in my world right now. I just can't stand it sometimes, and it has become progressively worse since coming back from Thanksgiving break.

We, the coaches, have a meeting with the curriculum director on Thursday. Our supervisor has not told us what the agenda is, but our guess is that he will tell us what is going to happen to the instructional coaching program for next year. The best news for me would be that I am able to go back to the classroom-- in my home building. We knew going into this job that it was a 2 year contract, so I am hoping that is what will happen. On the other hand, there is no guarantee that will happen, and I very well could be stuck where I am right now again next year.

I just need this meeting to be over so I know, one way or the other.

My R has been acting out a lot lately, too. She was just out of sorts all weekend, and I'm sure that coupled with a snowday yesterday and a late start today, has her all out of routine. I'm tired of fighting her on everything. Her two favorite things to say right now are "NO I WON'T!" and "NO, YOU ARE WRONG MOMMY!" I am trying to deal with her with patience and grace, but I feel like I'm failing.

I just need to get through the next few days and be on break.

So, yeah, get the meeting over and get this week over. I don't feel like that's asking too much.

Check this out...

I really want to win one of these ornaments! And, if you win, you should send it to me for tell you about it! Haha!!

http://pitterpatterart.wordpress.com/2010/12/12/elf-fun-giveaway/

3 Years Ago Today

I became a mom 3 years ago today when we received our referral for R. I can still remember vividly the moment I opened an email from my case manager saying she was trying to get a hold of me to talk to us about something.

That "something" was my daughter, my precious R. I remember shaking and crying while my case manager told me my daughter's story. The joy of telling A he was a father. The feeling when I saw the first picture of her.

And the longing. The heart breaking, heart aching longing for this child of mine. The time between referral and our traveling to Ethiopia was the hardest time of my life. My heart hurt and longed for my daughter. It was a physical aching that I had never experienced before.

For my daughter, I had prayed. R was the answer to many a prayer. I longed to have a daughter... I prayed she'd be as young as possible (she was a little over 3 weeks old)... And, she was so very beautiful. I could see her spirit, even as a tiny 3 week old.

Three years have gone by in a flash. Since that life-changing day 3 years ago, we have become a family of 4. We've changed in many ways. My daughter has grown from a tiny helpless baby to a strong-willed, funny, and beautiful toddler.

2 More Weeks 'til break and Pictures of the Girls

I have two more weeks of work until break. In truth, I cannot wait for it to get here. The past month or so has been really hard for me work-wise. I'm just not happy where I am or doing what I'm doing. I think I was able to sort of trick myself into thinking all was well during the month of Oct. November started to get bad the closer we got to Thanksgiving... Last week was just awful. I found myself crying at work 2 out of 5 days.

But, two more weeks until break! I am hoping I can through the next couple weeks and then just enjoy being with my family for the holidays.

Below are some pictures of my girls taken right before Thanksgiving! The photo shoot didn't go very well, but we did end up with a couple cute ones. The girls were with my friend H's girls, but I don't want to post pictures of other people's kids online.
Enjoy.

E might love her sister just a little too much in this picture above.

Above, the photographer catches E in the middle of saying "CHEESE!" R's smile is a bit too forces as well.

I think the ones below turned out pretty cute! Once the girls (and the photographer!!) relaxed a little, we did get some good shots of my girls, H's girls, and the 4 of them together.

Court, a Year Later

A year ago tonight (Ethiopia is 8 hours ahead of us) a judge in Ethiopia declared E legally our daughter. Her birthmother, T, appeared in court and relinquished custody of her. In the days and hours leading up to the court hearing, I was a basket case. I understand why at the time of our first adoption, our agency was not telling families when their court dates were. It was agony, pure and simple; I have no other way to describe it. I was so worried we'd not pass court for a million different reasons. And, in the end, what seemed impossible happened: everything went perfectly fine. We passed. On the first try. I was not expecting this.

A year ago tomorrow, I was eating lunch around noon my time when I got a call from my friend S who also had court the same day. They'd passed court! I remember crying tears of joy for S and her family and her precious B, my daughter's ET bff. After waiting probably an hour for my case manager to call, I finally called her and asked if she had news for us. That is when she told us that we'd passed.

The next 3 weeks that followed were a whirlwind. We ended up having an embassy appointment on Dec. 28.

A year after passing court, I cannot imagine life without my E. Tonight, though, my heart is heavy for the woman who bore her and the family who loved and cared for her for the first few months of her life, the people who share DNA with my daughter. The ending of their tragedy is the beginning of my happiness. As I have said before, adoption is an amazing gift, but it is born from the greatest of loss.

So tonight, as I lie in bed with my daughter warm and safe in the room next door, my thoughts and prayers will be with the Ethiopian woman who gave up everything for me to be able to be a mother.