Girl, Adopted, 10 Years Married, and R in Kindergarten

As I have two daughters who are girls, adopted, I knew I needed to watch this film.  I was able to do it last night after the girls went to bed.  I think it is something anyone who plans to adopt should watch, and if you're an adoptive parent already and haven't watched it, you need to.

I thought it was a very "real" look at what adoption is from an adoptee's point of view as well as from a parent's point of view.  No one was a victim in the film, but no one was a hero either.  And of course, as the adoptee is an Ethiopian girl, I could see my children in her and her experiences both in Ethiopia and in the United States.  So, anyway, if you haven't watched it yet, what are you waiting for? My hope is that my family will take the time to watch it.  Although everyone in my family has always been supportive of our adoptions and all love my girls, I feel that the one thing they don't know enough about is how profoundly adoption affects the adoptee.  This film shows the effects in a respectful, personal, and real way.

Switching gears, yesterday was A and my 10 year anniversary.  As I think I've said before, I know when I was newly married 10 years ago, I never would have guessed where our life would have taken us.  I mean, yes, I would have expected children.  I would never have predicted adopting twice.  I know the two people who said vows in front of our family and friends 10 years are very different from who we are now, but I love our family and our life, even if it isn't always easy.

And, lastly, on my quick update, my R is loving being a kindergarten girl.  She's learning, she's happy, she's loving it.  "Mom, I more than love kindergarten!" she told me when I picked her up on the first day.  Her teacher is amazing, loving, creative, and kind.  Her school has some diversity, and it is nurturing.  I had struggle immensely about sending her there for several reasons, but I do believe it was the right choice.

With that said, I'm finished for now.  Seems like blogging only takes place once every couple of months or so.  Who knows if anyone really even reads this anymore!

I am SO not ready for kindergarten...

But SHE is!  My R will be a kindergarten girl in a matter of a few short weeks.  The idea of it, it makes me nauseous.  I mean, COME ON!  How is my teeny tiny baby girl old enough for this?  Where did the past 5 years go?

I am so nervous.  And I don't want my little girl to grow up.  I know I can't stop it, obviously.  And I don't want to keep her in a bubble.  It's not that.  It's just that...  ugh.  She's lived in this safe place since coming home.  A and I have been able to protect her and her sister, and I never had to worry about her at school either because her preschool is an amazing place.  When A and I worked, she was with either a nurturing baby-sitter, my parents, or my BFF, always along with her little sister.  Once she starts kindergarten, there will be this huge part of her day in which I have no involvement, in which I can't protect her from the word and keep her safe and innocent.

The school she's going to be attending is wonderful.  I am confident that she'll get a great education in a nurturing environment...  But everything changes when she's a school aged girl.  There just isn't any going back.  (Have I ever mentioned I have a hard time with change?)

Thoughts on Being the White Mom of Black Girls

So, with my girls being at ages in which they notice and talk about skin color now, it becomes unavoidable to think about.  Let me be clear.  It is not that we don't talk about race, skin color, ethnicity, birth countries, etc., in our house.  We do and always have.  It is a natural part of our life to talk about our similarities and our differences and how there are many different types of ways to build a family and many different ways to become a family.

And yet...  Ugh.

I sometimes let the gnawing fear of the inevitable consume me.  I signed up to be the transracial family.  I knew that my kids would be black and I would remain white when we decided to adopt.  I didn't realize, however, until I experienced it, read about it, saw it with my own eyes what racism really looks like.

Nothing has happened recently to make me think about these things...  More like, sometimes I find myself worrying about when the day will come in which one or both of my children experience it and understand it for what it is for the first time.  I picture MY daughters whom I love so very much coming home crying because someone was mean to them at school or at a park or in a store simply because of the color of their skin.  I was up late into the night last night thinking about it and playing scenarios over and over in my head.

It makes me nauseous to know I'm powerless to stop it and that there is NOTHING I can do to prevent it.  It is part of growing up black in our country.  I wish sometimes I could keep them tiny forever.  R will be in kindergarten next month, and this is a huge fear I have as she leaves her loving preschool environment for the big kids' school.  And the year after, my precious E will join her.

I know I could be proactive about it and talk to the girls about what to do in those types of situations...  But I look them in their eyes and don't want to be the one to take away their beautiful innocence by talking to them about the ugliness of the world and the ugliness they will some day experience.  So, there is the line, and I don't know if I want to cross it.  Is it worse to have your mom tell you about this type of thing or to have it happen to you from a stranger, a friend, a kid in the neighborhood or at school?

I mean, the girls know that if someone is mean to you or hurts you that you can and should tell Mommy and Daddy or a teacher or other adult.  It is just that in my house, we don't see the differences in ourselves negatively, but we also do not ignore them.

I just hate so much that this even has to be an issue.  My girls are amazing for many reasons, one of which is because they are black.  But that is just one.  There is so much more to them, to all of us, than skin color.

Sassy Bird

So, E started off yesterday by declaring quite loudly, "Ugh, when am I going to get a NEW mom???"  She spent the day rolling her eyes at me and sighing dramatically whenever I spoke to her or asked her to do something, etc.  She repeatedly told me that she was going to move back to Ethiopia and live with Opia Mommy.  She cried for Daddy.  Did I mention the eye rolling and sighing?

In truth, this would be expected behavior/ reactions to mom if she were, say, 14.  But, I mean, come on, the kid is 4.  4!  By the time A got home, I'd had enough.  Dinner was in the oven, and I told him I needed to get out of the house and away from the kids for a little bit.  Thankfully, he was ok with this, so I spent an hour or so walking around Kohl's until the coast was clear, and those kids of mine were in bed.

Ok.  I KNOW she's 4.  But it still hurts, and it is frustrating beyond belief.  She's supposed to be my Sweet Beet, my E-Poodle, etc.  Not some teenager trapped in a 4-year-old's body. She used to be just the sweetest little thing, a precious baby who hugged and kissed me all the time...  Now she's just Little Miss Sass.

My BFF, M, asked me why I thought she was acting this way when I was whining about it last night to her as we chatted on FB.  In truth, I don't know.  M reminded me that at four, she's at a developmental stage that is very egocentric and that she really doesn't have the capability to to worry about the feelings of others.  (This has never been an issue with R.  She's always been extremely perceptive to how others are feeling.)

I love E so much.  And, I know she loves me in her own four-year-old way.  I just wish the sassiness would cease!

On Vacation and Back Again

We got to spend a glorious week Up North last week.  It started off with a stop to visit some Ethiopia travel friends at their home and a visit to the zoo near their home the following day.  It was so lovely to see them and their precious son B, who my E says she's going to marry some day.  Like R (our friend, not my daughter; sometimes not using names is confusing, right?) said, it was like family was coming to visit.  She's right, she, D, and B really do feel like our family.  There is something about experiencing meeting your children for the first time that bonds you...  Teary-eyed as I type, I'll just say that was such a lovely way to start off our vacation, and I wish we could have spent more time with them.  They are so very dear to our family.

After that visit, we traveled the rest of the way to our vacation spot in the Northwoods.  Lovely, peaceful, beautiful... and full of mosquitoes.  My parents and my brother J were already there.  My brother A, his wife L, and their huge sheepdog puppy would arrive about 5 days later.  I know going on big extended family vacations aren't for everyone, but I love them.  Despite that obviously no one in my family is perfect, I love being with them, going on vacation with them.  I love that my girls get to spend so much time with my family. I love that my E loves her Uncle J so much and gets up on his lap to cuddle with him (J's not exactly cuddly).  I love that my dad takes my girls and his dog for a "quick walk," and 45 minutes later, I look out the window and see them playing tennis or down at the lake.  I love taking the girls for boat rides and going to the local markets with my mom.

Admittedly, our trips Up North weren't always my favorite thing to do as a kid/teenager.  But I've grown to appreciate and love the place for what it is.  And, my grandmother's family is from there...  So I suppose it is in my blood.  And, even if it is not in my girls' blood to love it, it is in their hearts, and I hope that they always will love it, too.

Updating for No One but Myself

This past week was hard.  Without getting into details (because they aren't mine to share publicly here), just some prayers for a friend would be appreciated.  I wish I could say more-- mainly for myself to just type my thoughts in into words on "paper" so maybe that's really what I should do.  

Running.  Oh, I'm doing it.  The first week was awful.  This is for a variety of reasons, but I can feel myself getting stronger.  I'm pathetically slow, but I am making progress.  I carry my phone with me, which has a timer app and the I "heart" radio app, both of which help make it bearable.  It does help that I can actually see my progress with the running app-- it tracks my time, as well as GPS, pace, etc.  I can't say I love running or anything, but I do know I had to try something.  This option fits into my life a little bit better than others I'd considered.  In truth  I am MILES (get it?  Miles?  haha) away from running any long distance, but that's ok.  Like everything else, it takes time.  

I'm even going to get up early tomorrow so I can run before the rest of the world wakes up. 5am is going to come awfully early, but I find it humiliating to run in the evening-- after the girls are in bed-- because there are so many people out at that time of day.  My ex-Marine assistant principal even saw me out the other day.  Sooo embarrassing.  So very, very embarrassing.  But, I went out at 6:30 on Sat morning when A got up to get ready for work (it was his one Sat. a month to work yesterday), and I was a lot happier when it was over than I have been with going in the evenings.

I know this is interesting to no one but myself, but hey, it's my blog.  :)  

So, yeah, running...

Ok, so, umm, here's the deal. I feel super insecure about this, and I really don't know why I'm putting it out there for the world to see, but I guess maybe it'll keep me more accountable if I actually put it in writing.

I'm going to start running or whatever.  Laughing?  Yeah, me, too.  Like, I can't believe I'm actually going to attempt it.

My BFF was a runner in HS, and she started running again after not for a while about a year ago (I think).  Also, my R is FAST and LOVES running.  So I decided I needed to start.  Inspired by M, one, and want to keep up with my child, two.

I even bought running shoes today and downloaded an app to track progress on my phone.  I am going to try.  It might be a disaster, but it also might be really good.  I'm going to try.  After all, I can't just waste the money I spent on shoes, right??

We'll see how I do.  Hopefully this is the start of something good.

Today= A hard day

Both the girls were sick yesterday (throwing up, etc), and they were still "brittle" today.  Lots of crying, demanding behaviors, and general fussiness about everything.  It is days like this that I tell myself that yep, two is all I could ever handle... heck I'm barely handling two children...  I can't imagine being a stay-at-home mom; when is spring break over????  Etc.

But then, tonight, we had a sweet bedtime, and as I lay there with them, listening to them breathe fast asleep, I am reminded of how lucky and blessed I am to be their momma.  Yes, it is hard-- today was so awful-- but life without them is not a life I'd want.  Even after all the stress of today, I am so thankful that I can call them my daughters.

On another note, we have some other "stuff" going on this week.  Praying for a successful outcome.

Opals

The Christmas I was 6, I got an opal ring.  I know it was the last present I opened that Christmas morning... I remember finding the small box under the tree, and I said, "oh, this is small, so it probably isn't that important."  My mom said something like "sometimes good things come in small packages."

She was right.  I opened the box, and, to my surprise, there was a ring inside.  An opal and gold ring.  I instantly loved it.  It was absolutely perfect for me then, completely my taste then (and now, too...).

itThe ring had 6 opals with formed the shape of flowers.  I still have that ring in the jewelry box where I keep jewelry from the past.  Over the years, of course I've had to get it sized as I grew from a small child to a teenager and then an adult.  I put the ring on the other day, and I remembered what it was like to see it for the first time.

Why is this relevant?  Well, Ethiopia is known for its opals along with its coffee.  I don't know...  Of all the rings my mom could have possibly found for me for when I was a six-year-old, she picked one with stones that came from Ethiopia...  The country that years later would the birth place of my children.

I think it is amazing how in life everything fits into place and is connected in some way or another.

Going "Up North"

This summer, we're heading "Up North" to Wisconsin with my parents, their dog, my two brothers, and my sister-in-law.  Actually, my brother and his wife will be there mainly the second week of my parents' trip, so we'll probably only be with them a few days.

I'm looking forward to it.  We haven't been up since E came home, actually not since R was about 7 or 8 months old.  It's about time.

In truth, I used to hate spending a few weeks in the summer in Wisconsin.  I thought it was boring, I didn't like cabins, and I was always terrified that a bear would come out of the woods and eat me.  (Seriously, I'm terrified of bears.)

But, well, that's changed over the years.  Now, I love the peacefulness of it.  I love eating pasties for lunch at the quaint little diner in the tiny town where we've stayed the past few times.  I love the unique culture of the northern part of that northern state.  I love stopping on the way home at our favorite cheese place and bringing a bit of Wisconsin home with us.  While I'm still not a fan of antiquing, I do enjoy spending time driving from my mom's favorite shop to the next through the northern "highways" that are identified by letters instead of numbers.

I love, too, our pilgrimages back to my grandmother's family's property.  Sorry Wisconsin power (whatever it is called), we do sneak on the land when we go back there.  While the main house is pretty run down, the bunkhouse floor is rotting away, and all that is left of the cottage home is its stone chimney (fire years ago), I can still image what it must have been like to spend all summer up there when my mom and her siblings were little.

I will say that I did have one of my most awkward transracial adoption moments Up North.  A, R, my mom, and I were traveling up to the cabin.  My dad and my brother had to wait and come up a couple days later...  Anyway, we stopped at a Taco Bell about 2 hours south of our destination.  Like I said, R was about 7 or 8 months old, and she needed a break and a diaper change.  When we walked into the restaurant, everyone and I mean EVERYONE stopped and stared at the white couple and the grandmother with the tiny black baby.  It was soooo uncomfortable.  I mean, like, the conversations in the place stopped.  Even the workers were staring.  Awkward...

But, despite that, going Up North is something we're all looking forward to.  Just one more reason to look forward to summer!!