Ok. Here's the deal.

I think I must be just about the cruddiest person on the face of the earth. There was a baby shower for a friend at work today. It was nice... until another girl brought her 9 month old daughter in for the shower.

Sigh.

Now, obviously this baby wasn't a pretty little Ethiopian girl, but she was a baby. One about the same age as my little one. So, instead of being happy for my pregnant friend, I felt miserable. See where the cruddiness comes in?

Who is miserable (and more than slightly jealous) at a baby shower? No point in being sulky at an event whose purpose is to celebrate babies.

But sometimes it is really not fair. The lady with the baby and my pregnant friend get to be with their children from the moment of birth and before that. Whereas, my sweet baby currently is sleeping in a "transitional home" in Ethiopia, some 7000+ miles away.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have it any other way... it is just sometimes really hard to be an adoptive momma. Today was one of those times.

National Adoption Day

It was yesterday, but I was dealing with my sick baby girl so I didn't comment on it. (She is fine today.)

It's strange to think about what my life, and my children's lives, would be like without adoption. I may or may not have bio kids at this point in my life for one thing. A and I may or may not live in a nicer house or any number of things. You get the idea.

But there would be no R or E in my life, something I can hardly imagine. There would be no trip to Ethiopia, a trip that changed my life in many ways besides bringing home our girls.

And my precious babies... I think a lot about what R's life would be like if she had remained in Ethiopia. The thought is painful. My beautiful, precious, spirited two-year-old... I don't know how her life would have turned out. For E, my concentration is on getting her home, but there are parts of her story that would be vastly different if she would remain in ET.

I don't mean imply at all that I have "saved" my girls from Ethiopia. While I am so thankful that they are my daughters, I am well aware that decisions made without their input or consent will have consequences for them, for us, for their birthfamilies, for their birth country.

So, today, yesterday, tomorrow, every day really, I thank God for the gift of adoption in my life. I know the road we've chosen will not always be easy for any of us. But I also know that adoption has shaped, enriched, and changed my life for the better. I'm a momma of two beautiful girls who do not share my DNA but will forever hold my heart.

Happy National Adoption Day!

My (older) Princess is Sick

Poor little curly fry. She woke up this morning (at 10am when A and I woke her up-- normally she gets us up before 6 on Sat. mornings) with a fever, belly ache, and owie teeth. At least that's what she said.

She's been mostly laying on me all day but is up in her bed for a nap right now. :(

New Moon

Ah, yes, my friends, in case you didn't know, I'm a Twilight fan. The second movie came out today... I would love to go see it, but I don't see that happening any time too soon.

I was disappointed with the first movie, but it was still Twilight, still a silly love story that just happens to involve vampires. I'm hoping New Moon is better than the first. We'll see.

If anything it is a chance to regress a little, to be a teenager again. To get my mind off my baby 7,000+ miles away...

Heck, maybe I'll read a Sweet Valley High book next! (M, Kind Smiles, perhaps?? That was classic.)

A Letter to My Daughter

Dear E,

It has been one month since I saw your face for the first time, knew your sweet name, heard your story, and longed to hold you tight. You are also nine months old today.

We are getting closer and closer to bringing you home, little one. I got new pictures of you yesterday from a dear friend who went to Ethiopia on a mission trip. She tells me looking in your eyes melted her heart. She says you're a little shy and wary of new people. She tells me you have a sweet little cry.

And the pictures. Sweet girl, I see your hair is growing, and you look bigger! You have a runny little nose, and you look a little sad especially in one of the pictures. You're sitting on your own-- big girl!-- and you like to play with little toys. I can't wait to hold your hand!

The older you get, the more the transition into our home is going to become more difficult. I'm trying to prepare myself for all this. I know that we've been waiting for you, but you haven't been waiting for us. In your short life, you've experienced more loss than most people.

Princess E, your daddy, sister, momma, and the rest of your friends and family love you so much. While I pray that in 2 weeks, you'll officially and legally be mine, I am preparing for a longer wait.

Regardless, daughter of my heart, know that whenever you do come home, that is what it will be.

Home.

Your last stop.

I love you,
Momma

We have a court date!

We received word right around noon today that our court date in ET is Dec. 2nd. This is the step that has to happen in order for E to legally become our daughter on the ET side. Several things have to happen in order to pass court. First, the birthmother has to appear and relinquish her rights. She will have to travel a long way in order to do this. Second, the Ministry of Women’s Affairs (MOWA) must attach their approval to both our dossier paperwork and E’s paperwork. Third, the Central Authority must also attach their approval document.

If we pass court, they must issue a court decree before we can have our embassy appointment to get E’s visa for her to be able to enter the US. The embassy MUST have this no less than 2 weeks before the embassy appointment.

There is an extremely slight chance all this could happen quickly and make the Dec. 28 embassy appointment travel group. It is NOT likely this will be the case, especially since our case manager has prepared to have 2 court appointments because of the difficulty in getting E’s birthmother to appear in court and some recent paperwork issues other families have experienced. If/when we do not pass court the first time, our next court date would be about 3 to 5 weeks after Dec. 2.

My main hope is that E is home before her first birthday on Feb. 19. This seems feasible even with the likelihood of 2 court dates.

I also received word that my friend S whose daughter is with E at HH has court the same day. We are praying that regardless of what happens, we will be able to travel with them.

The Non-Update Update

Just talked to our case manager. No new news on our adoption. I'm glad she's checking in and making contact with me, but honestly, I'd rather she just call when she has new info for us.

She did say she hoped she would be calling us with a court date "very soon" instead of "in a couple weeks" like I've heard her say 2 or 3 times since we got our referral. Progress, my friends, progress!

In happier news, my friend K who was recently in ET sent me an email with an update on my baby girl. The email juxtaposed with the phone call is making the phone call a little more bearable.

Back to School

Ugh. Applied to grad school today.

Educational leadership-- which is the master's one must obtain to get an admin license in my state.

So there you go.

As M said yesterday, I probably am insane, as the semester will start probably right when my baby comes home. But I feel like I need to start so I can say I'm at least working toward the degree/license when the curriculum position becomes open.

I hope I am making the right choice.

Sunday Evening

Sunday. The start of a new week.

I am hoping, so hoping to receive word of a court date this week. I'm feeling so hopeLESS that right now I feel like E will never come home. In my head, I know that she will (someday), but in my heart, I just feel like we still have such a long road ahead of us.

Please, please, I want her home before her first birthday. Please.

Two Year Pictures...

Ugh. Disastrous.

I knew it was going to be bad when she fell asleep in the car 18 minutes before we got to the photography studio. That was her nap, and of course she woke up cranky.

We had dressed her in one of the outfits before we left home. It was cute, but I had also packed two more-- an ET dress and a cute pants and sweater outfit. I would have been happy with either of them and had planned to let her choose which one she wanted to do for her second outfit.

There was lots of clinging to me and crying and screaming at first. And in the middle and the end, too.

They got some good shots, I guess, but only in the one outfit and mostly up close, I'm guessing. The photographer will post them online tomorrow, so I'm hoping that I'm happy with them.

I am holding out hope that my baby will be home in time to get Christmas pictures of some kind taken.

This is extremely unlikely that she'll be home so maybe I should have just done some Christmas shots today, too.

Perspective

I spent the day today with fellow teacher at a conference. It was an eye-opening experience as this co-worker is in a wheel chair... She got in a car accident as a senior in high school and has been in the wheel chair ever since.

I learned a lot about what it might be like to be her. Lots of people look at you, the counter is too high to order your deli sandwich for lunch, you have to around and over and around again to find a ramp or elevator, people tend to talk to you a lot.

Yes, these are all obvious things. I know that. But I have not really "lived" it. And, yes, I'm well aware that walking around with J for one day does not in any way give me the full scope of her life.

However it makes me understand things a bit more, gives me some perspective. It gives me pause to think about how I treat others.

Two more things before I go to bed:
1. If you did not see the pictures of R yet, check out the post below.
2. I'm missing my little baby so much tonight it hurts.

My Baby is TWO!

Below are some pictures of my beautiful daughter from the past (almost) two years. Start at the bottom and work your way up to the top, as there is no way I'm going to try to rearrange them all. She brings such joy into my life, and I am so thankful that I have the privilege of calling her my daughter. She is such an amazing little girl! Enjoy the pictures!

Veterans' Day

My school district is a military district in that approximately 40% of our students are students of military moms and dads. The district is home to a military base, and so I have taught students who have lived all over the world right along with students who have never left our area.

So, yeah, Veterans' Day has a lot of meaning for us as staff and of course our students.

Today we had a nice assembly, organized by a former marine turned teacher. It really makes me think about selfless the men and women who fight and/or have fought for our country are. I see what he, my students' parents, and countless others have sacrificed for our country and for our freedoms.

All I can say is, "Thank you."

She's Precious

Don't you think? My friend M had a little birthday party for R today. (We sent cupcakes, and R came home with a party hat!) Here she is with M's gift to her taking her afternoon nap on the sofa at M's house.

Thank you, M, for making the day special for my daughter. You really are awesome.

(R's 2nd birthday is Thursday.)

"Go Duuu"

Well I learned tonight that R has reached the age in which I can't say anything around her I don't want her to repeat.

"Go duu" translates to "Go dude!"

The other day R was in the van with me when I was trying to get on the highway behind a semi. It was going really slowly as we headed down the ramp and into construction. I exclaimed, "Go dude!" as a I willed the semi to speed up.

Tonight as we were coming home from my friend M's house, we again got onto an on ramp to get onto the highway.

From the back seat, my little girl says, "Go duu! Go duu!"

After asking several options for what this could mean, I finally realized what she was saying.

Oops. :)

Orphan Sunday

What a weighted word. Most of the time, I am able to sort of "forget" that R was an orphan for part of her life. But there's the part of her life that is different from most other people she'll meet. She was born in a country far from here, beautiful and amazing-- yes, but one fraught with disease, hunger, and suffering.

I think sometimes about what would have happened to my beautiful daughter if she had remained in Ethiopia. It is hard, even harder now that I have not one but two Ethiopian daughters.

I often think about the path my life took to become the mother of two...well, I'll just say it... two orphans. One I tuck into bed each night and whose little curly head greets me in the morning right after I wake up to the sound of her little feet running down the hall. The other, a sweet, precious baby whom I've never held or comforted, but who has completely stolen my heart.

My sweet girls. Orphans no longer...

I leave you with a picture of R and me taken at the orphanage where R spent the first weeks of her life before coming to HH and becoming my precious daughter.

I was tagged... like weeks ago.

(Check out the extreme cuteness of the post below if you haven't already.) Here you go. This reminds me of a frame that my mom and I bought and put a picture of my dad in, which says, "Everything you say is fascinating." I'm sure you'll find all this info fascinating, too! :)

1. Where is your cell phone: Sofa.
2. Your hair? Ghastly.
3. Your mother? Carefree.
4. Your father? Retired.
5. Your favorite food? Ice cream.
6. Your dream last night? In Ethiopia.
7. Your favorite drink? diet Coke.
8. Your dream/goal? Family together.
9 What room are you in? Family room.
10. Your hobby? Scrapbooking.
11. Your fear? Not passing court.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Right here.
13. Where were you last night? Home.
14. Something you aren't? Judgemental.
15. Muffins? Chocolate chip.
16. Wish list item? Clean house.
17. Where did you grow up? 50 miles from here.
18. Last thing you did? Put R to bed.
19. What are you wearing? pjs.
20. Your TV? Football.
21. Your pets? Never had one.
22. Friends? Amazing.
23. Your life? So far so good.
24. Your mood? Fine.
25. Missing someone? Umm, E, of course.
26. Vehicle? Minivan.
27. Something you're not wearing? Shoes.
28. Your favorite store? The Children's Place.
29. Your favorite color? Red.
30. When was the last time you laughed? 15 minutes ago.*
31. Last time you cried? 2 hours ago.**
32. Your best friend? M. (since we were 10)
33. One place you go over and over? Work.
34. One person who emails you regularly? M.
35. Favorite place to eat? Local Mexican place.

* At R as she was singing and playing with Beary while I was putting her to bed.
** R and I were watching some video of the first time we met. I hadn't watched it in probably at least a year and had forgotten how emotional it makes me.

Consider yourself tagged if you haven't been already. I can't keep up anymore with who has been and who hasn't.

Some Adorableness to Lighten the Mood...

Last night was a rough night for me. Had a conversation with my case manager and left it just feeling discouraged. I know she can't just tell me what I want to hear to make me feel better for a day or two. I know she's honest and cautious. So I know our conversation was what it had to be, no matter how much I wish it were different.

Before I forget (again) the website for the adoption baby book is: http://www.greerchicago.com/shop/. Type the title into the search, and you'll find it. I got a really nice reply to my "Thank you" comment that I sent to them. The owners are adoptive parents themselves, and the wife sent me a really nice email after I submitted my comment. So, if you're looking for a baby book for your adoption, that would be a good place to start! Let me know if you get it if you like it or not. I haven't started to fill out E's yet because she's not officially mine yet! I don't want to jinx myself.

Ok, onward to the point of this post. Here are some pictures of R as a cupcake. Adorable, no? Enjoy!

Trying on the costume after Momma got it in the mail. Yeah, she likes it! Thank goodness! I was afraid she'd refuse to wear it.

Trick or Treat: Take One-- My parents' town had Trick or Treat a different night than mine did, so R went two times. My dad has been talking since last year about how he wanted to take her, so here she is in her stroller, waiting for "Ahhdad" (Grandad) to take her out!

Cute or what? She did such a great job going from house to house! She would say "treeet pleees" (treat please), "tannks" (thanks), and "bye bye" (complete with a wave) at each house!

Enjoying some of the spoils of her hard work and extreme cuteness!

Sometimes Waiting is..

... really really hard.

I want my daughter home.

I want this ache in my chest to go away.

I want to hold her tight.

I want my family on one continent.

Please do not tell me "It is all God's timing."

Please do not tell me "She'll be home before you know it!" and smile at me.

I know these things. But I don't want to hear them. Not tonight.

Tonight, I'd just rather you tell me that the waiting sucks and let me be.

Luckiest Momma. Ever.

Yep, that's me!!

Do you ever just walk around in awe that your child is actually your child?

I do...

All the time.

Phone Scams

Ugh. Tonight we got a phone call from the "warranty department" telling me that the warranty on our van was set to expire today. First, the chick started to say the wrong vehicle, a Honda instead of a Toyota. I said, "What vehicle?" and she corrected herself.

Then she told me that they've been sending us notices in the mail that the factory warranty was going to expire, but we hadn't responded so that was why she was calling.

I said we'd received no such notices, and she started to get irritated with me. She said they'd been sending them to *the numbers of my street address* but didn't mention the street name.

Again, I asked which warranty this was, and again, she was snippy.

I said there was no way the warranty was expired. She argued that it was.

I told her we'd just bought the van 2 months ago. She said something else, and I repeated myself.

Then, abruptly, the phone disconnected.

Things like that really tick me off. Sure, I didn't fall for whatever scam she was trying to pull, but what if the next person does? It's just wrong. That woman had no right to call my home at 7pm while I'm reading to my daughter and harass me and lie to me.

What types of scams have people tried to pull on you?

Oops

Today A and I realized that R thinks she's going to go LIVE with my parents when her baby sister comes home. (Not just stay with them for a week while we go to get E.)

She's excited about it.

Oops. My poor little sweetie.

So I guess we need to work on talking to her about how there will be 4 in our family and that she'll come home when momma and daddy come home with E...

Suggestions?

November is...

... a great month to pass court!

That's what I'm hoping for. A court date. Soon. Passage on the first try. Pleeeease!

November also is Adoption Awareness Month.

What type of things do you do to celebrate adoption?

(PS-- Adorable pictures of R as a cupcake coming soon. My laptop hard drive is completely full, so I literally cannot download one more picture on it. I am going to try to upload them at work and add them from there. Brace yourself for cuteness. That's all I can say.)

History

(I'll respond to my getting "tagged" and more about the baby book probably tomorrow. Other stuff on my mind tonight.)

History.

We all have one.

In the case of my two daughters, they have a common history. They are (or will be) adopted. They are from Ethiopia. They have A and me for parents. They are Ethiopian Americans being raised by white parents. Etc.

However, how my girls come to our family is different. In R's case, she was referred to us at 3 weeks and home with us when she was little over 3 months old. Most of the time, when I think of her history, it is with us. All but 3 weeks of her life, I knew she existed and loved her. Even though we weren't together her entire life, her history includes her momma's love almost immediately.

E, on the other hand, her history's different. Depending on when we pass court and travel (I'm hoping for around Christmastime but am not holding my breath), she'll be close to a year old. A year of her life that I will know almost nothing about. And her history is... well, without going into detail you and I both know I can't share, her story involves more loss and grief than R's does.

I have three pictures of E. Three. That's it. I've never held her in my arms, kissed her sweet cheeks, or sung her to sleep. But in one of the pictures especially, this momma sees a scared little girl. A sad little girl. In all three, I see MY little girl.

My little girl who has dealt with loss. Uncertainty. Grief. Pain. Sadness.

So, my questions for you are these:
How do you cope with your children's histories? How do you come to terms with that time when you and your child were/are apart?

It's been one week...

... since we became the parents of two! In that time, we've opened our hearts to a beautiful baby, Baby T, our sweet little girl who we've prayed for. Could I be anymore blessed?

The waiting, it's painful, so painful. I try to steel myself against it, but it catches me at unexpected times, my eyes suddenly filling with tears and my chest tightening in a way only other waiting mommas can understand. I can't bear to think of her in pain or sick or in need of anything.

In this week, we've received all her paperwork and information. There is not much, but it is enough for us. We've talked to our international adoption specialist, and she's given us her opinion. We've shared our good news with our family and friends. We've stared at her pictures for hours. We've prepared R even more for being a big sister.

We've signed and notarized many a form and sent them all to our agency.

And now, we wait some more.

Wait

Wait

Wait

For a court date, for a travel date, for a gotcha date.

My heart is 7,000 miles away, stolen by a precious baby girl who has no idea I'm her momma.

Please, little one, hurry home.

The Perfect (adoption) Baby Book

I'm a history lover, a scrapbooker, and a writer. When we brought R home, I, of course, wanted a baby book for her. The problem? Baby books for bio kids abound, but I had trouble finding something perfect for my adopted princess. The last thing I wanted was something that would have a bunch of blanks or fail to accurately record HER history, her story! Finally, I found the perfect book:

I was thrilled to find this book and did my best to record as much information as possible for R as the months of waiting for her and then the time after she came home passed.

So, last week, after we got our referral and sweet E was suddenly a reality instead of a dream, I went looking (online) for this book again. To my dismay, I couldn't find it. Out of stock everywhere. Or I could purchase it for a mere $124 off Amazon. (The book retails new for $16.95.)

I was distressed. The book was the perfect one the last time around, and I didn't want to have to try to find a new one. But I didn't want to pay over 100 dollars for something that should be less than $20.

Today, as R napped upstairs, I searched the Internet. Finally, I found it! I actually bought 2 copies, one for me and one for a friend whose daughter is also currently at HH playing with E, I'm sure! I can't wait to get it.

Am I silly? Probably. But filling in this book, R's story, our life before her and after she came home, and her life both before and after us, was important to me. It's important for me that baby E also gets this history. If my house were on fire, I'd grab that book, my wedding album(s), and my grandparents' wedding album.

(In case you were wondering, no I'm not getting paid to advertise this book or anything like that. Just what's going on at my house on a Sunday afternoon while the princess sleeps!)

THE CALL (Y'all want details?)

Setting: Monday, October 19, 2009: 2:51pm. In my office at work. Suddenly, the phone rings. THE ring. The crazy one I had just the night before programmed into my phone so I could stop being so jumpy whenever the cell phone went off.

Caller ID: It's our case manager!!! Hands start shaking. Brief surprise that the phone actually works in my cement block, no window cave.

Me: Hello!?!?!

J: Hi, M, this is J from *our agency,* is this a good time to talk?

M: I had a feeling you might call today. (Nervous laugh and now the tears are flowing.)

J: She laughs. It's a good day! I have a little girl to tell you about.

At this point, I'm dashing upstairs to my friend H's classroom so she can be there. If A isn't with me, I want her there.

J starts to give me details as I sprint down the hall. I ask her to wait a second as I make it to H's room, gasp her name, and say "PAPER!." I kick some kids out of the workroom between H and another teacher's classroom and sit down.

I'm shaking so much I cannot write as J begins talking again. Tears are all over my face, and H eventually gets me a tissue or 5.

J tells me her name. Starts with a T, and I've never heard it before. She spells it for me, but I can't grasp it and spell it wrong. No matter. I learn MY DAUGHTER is 8 months old on paper, but she's small, very small, and if that is the case, she's most likely a bit behind what most children can do at 8 months. If she 8 months, she's most likely been malnourished for at least part of that time. The HH doctor thinks she's probably more like 4-6 months instead.

She is from the southern part of ET and came to HH on Oct. 12. She looks like other ET children I've met from that area. R is from the north, and so they both look Ethiopian, very much so, but in different ways. The eyes, they're beautiful. I see her spirit in them. She's tiny but strong. I so wish I could share her picture with you. Obviously, not yet. But I hope soon.

Blood work results came back on the 16th, and she's good to go. She has pink eye, and they're giving her drops. Her sweet head is shaved because she has fungus (very common, I'm guessing ringworm) on it. She had diarrhea when she arrived but is better now. She has a bad cold, but she's doing fine. She's 12 pounds. (That's how much R weighed when she came home at 3 months, so I know how small she is.) She's cutting a tooth and trying to roll over on her own. J says she can't sit on her own, but in one of the 3 pictures we have, she is clearly sitting up.

She makes eye contact and is very alert. She's perfect.

I call my husband. He says, "and why are there no pictures in my inbox?" J was sending them right then.

By then, it is 3:05, and the students are dismissed at 3:10 so I tell him I'll call him back when H's room clears out.


I text a few people. I can only get out the word "Referral" as my hands are still shaking. A lot. (My dad calls A and ask him what that means. He tells him it means he has 2 granddaughters now.)


I call A back. We look at the pictures together, over the phone, just like with R. Her daddy is speechless. He's in love with her.

She's our girl. Our sweet, tiny, miracle of a girl. Our baby E! Her big sister is so proud that she had to bring her own copies of the 3 pictures we received with her to my friend M's house today (she's there when I'm at work).

She's older than I had imagined her to be, and we got our referral in less than 1/2 the time we thought we would. When we got on the list in May, we were told the wait for a girl referral was 10 to 12 months and that it was slowing down. It's been 5 months.

So, my girls (if we keep her birthdate as is-- will decide later) are 15 months apart instead of at least two years like A and I had meticulously planned. (Sweet, she was born when I was still 29!!) But she's our girl, and I hope that my sweet daughters will love being so close in age.

And again, this is a lesson that we cannot put our timelines on adoption. With both, we've been completely wrong about timeframes.

That's it. :)

She is...

tiny

beautiful

ornery-looking

precious

mine

Need I say more?

We got the call.

Alma Mater

A, R, and I went to my alma mater to visit my sweet cousin, C, for the night. We arrived yesterday afternoon and got back this evening. It was, ironically, homecoming weekend, so it was very crowded. We hadn't planned specifically for homecoming. Just this weekend in Oct., we always have Friday off.

We were lucky to get a hotel room when I bothered to check online for hotels... Everything was sold out, my first clue that perhaps it was a special-event weekend. I played dumb and called the hotel we usually use. And we were in luck because they had a last-minute cancellation!

It is always nice to visit C, and I love returning to a place I spent 4 years of my life. We did some of my favorites and visited some of my favorite places. She's living in the same apartment/condo complex I lived in my junior year. Weird, as my unit--904-- was right across from hers, and we used to spend a lot of time in her building at our friends' place.

And most importantly, I got to have a burrito from my favorite Uptown street vendor! I brought a couple home to enjoy in the winter as well as a few for my friend M.

Overall, it was a great way to distract me yesterday from the suspense of my post below. And I won't even mention how terrible two-y my child has been the past 2 days...

Go Bobcats!

The Suspense...

... is killing me!

Let's just say, for example, that there's been a lot of movement on the infamous list in the past week and a half.

Let's just say, for example, that we are now a very good number, you know, hypothetically speaking.

If this keeps up, by the time we do in fact get THE call, I'll have gone crazy and therefore will not be able to adopt anyway! Because I'll be nuts. I mean, more nuts than I feel right now.

AUUGGH!

ET Courts are Open!

A family using my agency passed court today. That's great for them!

And, of course, if I'm being a tad bit selfish, great for us, too. Because that means movement. That means more children uniting with their forever families and more beds open at my agency's home in ET. Which means we inch, day by day, closer and closer to meeting our daughter.

I am certain now that she's born and out there, making her way to us. With her big eyes and her courage, just like her sister.

Have I ever mentioned R is the bravest child I've ever known? I'm so blessed to be her momma and soon the momma of two ET girls. God is good.

Speaking of R, I'm home with her today. She's sick, the poor little curly fry. I took her to the doctor late this morning, and now she's sleeping soundly. She wasn't scheduled to have a flu shot today, but they did give it her, which saves us a trip back there next week.

Yeah, this post is scattered but so is my brain today.

Chili and Cornbread

Is there anything better than chili and cornbread on a fall day? I took R to my parents' house this afternoon (she's staying overnight, too-- practicing for when Momma and Dadda go to ET to bring home baby sister), and my dad had made a huge pot of chili. Not just any chili-- my Grandad's chili. My grandfather used to make it for fall family gatherings. Maybe I'm biased, but his recipe is better than any other chili I've ever eaten!

What are some things that are fall traditions in your family?

A Letter

Dear Y,

(Y is R's birthmother.)

As R gets closer to her 2nd birthday and we get closer to returning to Ethiopia, the more you are on my mind.

First, I need to apologize. You asked me to send you pictures. I haven't been good about that recently, and I don't really know why. After all, you gave me your daughter so I could be a mother. And pictures, I take tons. There is really no excuse for not sending them to you. I am so sorry. I promise you here and now that I will send some to our agency on Monday. (And, please, those of you actually reading this, please, please hold me accountable for that.)

Second, R is growing more and more every day. She is amazing. She is funny, she loves to dance, and she has started singing lately. She has a little bear named Beary whom she takes with her everywhere. She is growing tall, and she is more and more beautiful each day. She makes everyone who meets her love her. I think she gets that from her birthmother.

Today we went to a "home for a year" celebration another ET adoptive family held to mark their one year "Family Day." Their little daughter is one month younger than R, and the 2 of them had fun dancing around to the African drum group the mom had come to entertain the kids. I'm doing what I can to build strong connections to other Ethiopians for R. I think it is so important, and I know you would, too.

I was thinking all day yesterday about when we met you. There are so many things I wish I had said to you and had asked you. And I think you feel the same. I wish so much that the director would have allowed us to talk to you again when you returned after our brief meeting was over. I wish I wouldn't have listened to her insistence that we leave right away so you didn't see us still there. I wish I would have ran over and hugged you. I wish we could have spent more time together. I wish we would have taken more pictures of you with R for her and for you. I wish..... a million things.

I hope so much that when we return to ET to bring our second daughter home that we can see you again. I asked our case manager about it months ago, and she said that was something we'd talk about when the time got closer. Of course, R will not be there, but there are so many things I want to say to you and to ask you.

Please know that I love R so much that I feel I might burst sometimes. Know that there is not a day that goes by in which I do not thank God she is my daughter and thank God for your decision to allow us to adopt her. Know that I will do all I can to make certain our daughter has a good life.

There are no more words. Please, God, give me the grace to be the mother you want me to be for our daughter.
Love,
M

October Number

Our October number is in. We are officially:

6!!

We are getting closer and closer to meeting our baby girl. We are hoping for a referral in 2009 still and seem on track for that to happen.

However, as we all well know, timelines and international adoption do not mix!

Babies Everywhere!!

No new numbers yet for us. I'll let you know when I know.

However, my sweet friend L is pregnant!!! YAY!! She is due May 13.

M's due date is May 10th!

And, my friend A who I told you about a week or so ago, well, she's pregnant with twins!

So to sum up, that means:

Of my closest friends, 4 of the 5 of them are pregnant! (V is due like Nov. 13.)

And, I know, in my own way, I am, too!

Babies are such blessings!

6 Years!

A and I have been married 6 years today!

Awesome.

Our Passports...

... were in the garage in a random box. Sometimes my husband "cleans" by putting stuff in a box and shoving it in the garage. (Yes, it is really helpful when he does this.)

But the good news is that they are now where they are supposed to be. I had a feeling that they were missing because of A, but I didn't want him to feel bad.

I know this is silly, but I was really sad about the fact that our Ethiopia trips wouldn't be in the same passport book. I'm glad our 2 trips (and possibly a 3rd someday) to bring our children home are going to be in the same one!

Thanks to all of you for your "lost passport" prayers!

Update by Numbers

1. No luck finding passports. Will apply for new ones this coming week.

2. Husband is currently making a steak marinade from a bunch of onion, garlic, cooking wine, and other various items he purchased at the store tonight.

3. Currently stuffed from too much Ethiopian food. Yummy!

4. No progress on the in-laws situation, really. Thanks to those who commented. It is just really nice to hear from people outside the situation. A did talk to his mother the other day, and things are still pretty "chaotic" as she puts it.

5. Heart still breaking for orphans, but am trying to act on it. Currently have 6 bumbo seats being shipped to my house to take with us when we travel and am working on getting other donations from other places. At least I am not feeling so helpless. Crying in the school library while I post to my blog is not helpful. Emailing companies and asking for donations of baby seats, formula, diapers, wipes, and shoes is. Choosing to focus on what I can currently change.

6. 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow.

7. No new numbers yet. I talked to our case manager on Wed. (unrelated to numbers), and she said we'll get them via email this coming week. You'll know my number shortly after I do!

Passports

Could ya say a little prayer that we find our passports?

My passport and A's passport are currently no where to be found. We have R's ET one along with all her other important documents and paperwork.

The last time I remember seeing them was on April 8, when we went to our fingerprint appointment with CIS.

I'd just really rather spend that $150 it would take to get replacements on formula and diapers to take to HH with us when we travel.

I just can't take it.

Why is there such suffering in our world?

Why are there millions of orphans starving right in Africa, in Ethiopia, in Addis Ababa as I sit at a computer and type?

Why do I feel completely helpless to do anything to make a change?

Yes, today is one of those days in which I feel the overwhelming weight of all that I know, have seen first hand, and will see again in the upcoming months.

They are children, children like my daughter. What could have been my daughter had her birthmother decided to raise her. They are beautiful, curly-haired, huge-eyed children who are no different than what R could have been.

Why were they born into poverty and me into privilege?

Life with Asperger's Syndrome

Most of you don't know this about my husband, but he has Asperger's Syndrome, which is on the autism spectrum. He struggles sometimes with how to behave in social situations, and his mind works a bit differently than yours or mine might. He's not good with change, and he gets obsessive about things. (Side Note: I believe A's dad, brother, and sister are all on the spectrum, too.)

I have to admit that the obsessiveness is what is hardest for me to deal with. When he finds interest in something, he goes into full force and thinks of nothing else. For example, when he decided he liked golf and wanted to take it up, he bought probably 30 golf books, subscribed to 2 or 3 magazines, watched the Golf Channel constantly, and learned how to build his own clubs (and did so). This is all well and good, but for months, all he could talk about or think about was golf. Sometimes he'd talk to me about golf while the Golf Channel was on and he was reading a golf book/magazine. (FYI: I hate golf!)

His newest love is cooking... Specifically, the show Good Eats and the host, Alton Brown's, books. We got DVR a few months ago, and he found the show, started watching it, and true to his nature, got hooked. Like I've told him before, I don't mind watching a show in small doses, but I can't take hours on end of it, which is what he would do if I "allowed" it.

So now, he obsesses about rubs for steaks, finding the perfect knife, and, my personal favorite, seasoning a cast iron skillet. I'm sure it'll be something new in a few months when he abandons his love for cooking for his love of something new.. but at least at the moment his obsession is something that is productive for the whole family in that he's taken an interest in cooking dinner most nights!

Need Some Advice, Please

Ok, here goes. My husband has two younger siblings, a brother about 10 years younger and a sister who's 11 years younger. The brother has a nine-month-old son, the sister, a 4-year-old daughter.

T and L (A's siblings) have both recently gotten in trouble with the law for various things. Their significant others (the mother and father of their children respectively) also have.

It is a big freaking mess.

My mother-in-law has been caring for my nephew and niece a lot since "things" happened.

Here is where I need the advice: Since all this happened, starting around the beginning of July, C (M-I-L) has seen my child once. Prior to that, she saw R at least once a week during the school year because she watched her every Tuesday while I was working. She isn't doing that this year because of the situations with A's siblings. In June she saw her a time or two after school let out.

I have a huge problem with this. R's cousins are there several days a week right now, and it is a good thing to have their stable grandparents in their young lives. The problem is that because we aren't having some crisis, she doesn't have time for R.

Each month that passes without R seeing her grandparents, the more upset about it I get. We are going on 3 months now in which she's had no contact. She's stopped talking about them, etc.

R has a very good and close bond to my parents. (We are fortunate that both sets of grandparents live near us, within an hour of our house!) However, it really bothers me that she doesn't have that with A's parents.

I feel myself getting resentful, but more than that, I feel sad for R and for A's parents. So my question to you is: What should I do? Should I try to talk to them about it? Should I let it go for now until things calm down with A's siblings? Should I try to arrange to get together with them? Or just do nothing and let the relationship go?

I don't want to seem like the *itchy daughter-in-law, and I don't want to be selfish. Is feeling the way I feel right now about this selfish?

I'd really like some perspective on this one.

Very Interesting...

So I don't really pay attention to "unofficial" numbers as you may know. However I stumbled across a couple blogs I haven't read before...

I'll just say if the information I'm gathering is accurate (in that I'm understanding it all correctly), our official October number could be very interesting.

And that's all I'm sayin' for now!

R= Reading Prodigy?

Yesterday, A was driving home with R. At a stop light, R started saying "peeez" over and over again and pointing enthusiatically. A looked up in the direction of her pointing and realized that she was pointing at a nearby Papa John's Pizza place.

We've never pointed out pizza places while in the car with her, and we don't really get Papa John's pizza ever. Maybe like once in the past 6 months, if that.

So, the only logical conclusion is that at 22 months, my child is a reading prodigy, right?

Why I Do What I Do...

A student I had last year (my favorite one, actually-- yes of course I have favorites!) emailed me a few days ago. She's a 9th grader now, finding her way through her first quarter.

Last year, one student from each of the 5 teams in the building was responsible for writing and giving a speech to the student body at the awards assembly. The rest of the teachers and I picked this student to write and give the speech. She wrote something perfect (I knew she would) and very begrudgingly agreed to give it, too. She was nervous and scared.

She did an amazing job.

I was so proud of her.

She thought she messed up. I guess she stumbled over a word or 2 in the beginning of the speech, which I honestly did not notice.

She was so upset and probably mad at me because I pushed her to do it in the first place. She thought she did horrible and left the gym in tears as soon as she was finished speaking.

The email I received from her this week THANKED me for making her give the speech.

It's things like that that make doing what I do every day worth it. (And make me miss being in the classroom now that I'm not-- a subject for another post.)

Friday Surprises

Ok, last Friday, my BF, M, found out she's expecting her 4th child.

Today, I get a call from my friend A who has been doing fertility treatments. Well, she's pregnant, too!

Babies are amazing blessing, regardless of if they are born of a birthmother or one's own body. Sometimes, being "paper pregnant" (which is a phrase I never use) is hard because there are no physical signs and no tidy 9 month timelines.

On the other hand, at least I don't have strangers coming up to me and touching my belly like I'm an animal at a petting zoo.

Congratulations M and A! I'm so happy that we are in this together!

(PS-- My friend V is also pregnant and due in Nov.!)

Sometimes I Wonder...

As R starts to become more and more of a little person instead of a baby, I think a lot about how things will be when she is older. Like in that her momma is a pale, plain, short, white lady, while R herself is mocha, tall, black, and beautiful. She sparkles and just draws people to her effortlessly.

Sometimes I wonder if she'll grow up to hate us.

Sometimes I wonder what her life will be like with white parents, white family, white friends. (Not that we don't have connections with people of other races, including of course Ethiopians.)

Sometimes I wonder what people think when they see our family. Are they judging us?

Sometimes I wonder what her life would have been like if her birthmother hadn't given her to us to raise as our daughter.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve to be the mother of the most amazing child on the planet.

Sometimes I wonder how it will be when we bring her baby sister home.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea.

But this I do know: I love my daughter with my whole heart and soul. I love her little curly head and her tiny baby toes. I love her smile, her laugh, her personality. I love her kisses and hugs. I know that I do not regret for a moment that she is my daughter.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

8 Years

Eight years ago, the world changed forever with the attacks on our country.

Eight years ago, I was a first year teacher, struggling to figure out how to teach English literature to my seniors.

Eight years ago, a student burst into my room and said "Ms. M, Ms. M, someone bombed the Pentagon!!" and I was naive enough to think she was wrong. I soon found it was so much more than that and wished she'd been right.

Eight years ago, I watched in horror as towers fell, buildings burned, and people lost their lives, all live on TV.

Eight years.

A long time and the blink of an eye at the same time.

Whoa-- New Look!

Nikki just finished making my blog look fantastic! Check her work out! (See top left!) She is awesome.

And you know what I just realized? The colors of my blog are the colors of baby #2's room, well, the purple and orange.

(See below for some cutie pictures of my daughter!)

R + Mimi and Grandad = Love

My daughter has her grandparents wrapped around her tiny little Ethiopian finger!

Here are some pictures from this summer to prove it!...

I would like to help you mow the lawn, Grandad!

(Don't worry, he had the blade off while she was on it.)

The flowers are starting to wilt. I need to water them right now!

It is now time to play the piano, Mimi.

I would like to take Lucy for a walk and lead the way!

Mimi, my birthday is only 3 months away. I need to practice blowing out candles!
(Yes, I'm aware this isn't her best hair style!)

I know it is getting dark, but I still would like to go on a picnic. I have the basket all packed!

I love the way my parents love R and the way she loves them! They are wonderful grandparents to my sweet daughter, and we are so lucky they live close enough near us that R can see them about once a week. It is so fun to see them enjoy spending time with their first grandchild. She has a very special bond with them.

Shoulda Just Waited a Bit

New Number:

11

5 spots this month! My guess is that referrals will slow a little this month and next while the ET courts are closed and they catch up in Oct. after reopening.

Anyone wanna guess when we'll get our referral?

(Our sweet daughter, we are getting closer and closer to seeing your face! We love you forever!)

Hodge Podge

Ok, first, please keep my mom's friend K in your prayers. She has been battling cancer for years, had a PET scan this week, and the results were bad. She is undergoing chemo, well, right as I type these words actually. K is an amazing person and wonderful friend to my mom. She was Teacher of the Year for my state a while back... My mom is a wreck, understandably. The prognosis is not good...

Second, ET culture camp is this weekend! I have been part of the planning committee, and we've been planning since Dec... I'm hoping all goes well!

Third, R said her second "sentence" this afternoon at my mom's house. "R, do you want to get out of your highchair?" "No!" she says... Mom asked why, and she said, "Because SQUEEZE!!" (My mom allows her to squeeze water out of the rag/paper towel/whatever she's using to clean her up onto the tray.) So my child can say "because squeeze" clearly but can't say "up."

Fourth, the family ahead of us on the waiting list got their Sept. numbers phone call yesterday from our agency. I'm hoping we get ours today so I can post our Sept. official number later today!!

Fifth, I'm getting a blog makeover from Nikki (Blogs for a Cause) at: http://www.madebynikki.blogspot.com/! She is doing a special fundraising effort this month, and now is the time to make some changes to the old blog anyway! I'm excited about it, and I hope you all like it, too. It is going to be fun to have something different! And her work is always so pretty on others' blogs, so I'm sure my blog is also going to look fabulous when it is completed.

So I guess this post is a mix of good and bad. Pictures of R soon... I just recently uploaded 446 from my camera onto my laptop (which is literally out of memory now so I don't know what to do!) so I will actually have summer pictures to share soon...

Please take care this weekend and hug your loved ones.