Ok, here goes. My husband has two younger siblings, a brother about 10 years younger and a sister who's 11 years younger. The brother has a nine-month-old son, the sister, a 4-year-old daughter.
T and L (A's siblings) have both recently gotten in trouble with the law for various things. Their significant others (the mother and father of their children respectively) also have.
It is a big freaking mess.
My mother-in-law has been caring for my nephew and niece a lot since "things" happened.
Here is where I need the advice: Since all this happened, starting around the beginning of July, C (M-I-L) has seen my child once. Prior to that, she saw R at least once a week during the school year because she watched her every Tuesday while I was working. She isn't doing that this year because of the situations with A's siblings. In June she saw her a time or two after school let out.
I have a huge problem with this. R's cousins are there several days a week right now, and it is a good thing to have their stable grandparents in their young lives. The problem is that because we aren't having some crisis, she doesn't have time for R.
Each month that passes without R seeing her grandparents, the more upset about it I get. We are going on 3 months now in which she's had no contact. She's stopped talking about them, etc.
R has a very good and close bond to my parents. (We are fortunate that both sets of grandparents live near us, within an hour of our house!) However, it really bothers me that she doesn't have that with A's parents.
I feel myself getting resentful, but more than that, I feel sad for R and for A's parents. So my question to you is: What should I do? Should I try to talk to them about it? Should I let it go for now until things calm down with A's siblings? Should I try to arrange to get together with them? Or just do nothing and let the relationship go?
I don't want to seem like the *itchy daughter-in-law, and I don't want to be selfish. Is feeling the way I feel right now about this selfish?
I'd really like some perspective on this one.
Friday, September 25, 2009
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4 comments:
Hi - I think we have a lot in common! Our "at home" daughters are very close in age (ours is 23 months), we're very close to each other on the wait list (#11 and #12) and we have frustrating in-laws. :)
Unfortunately, our daughter has not been close to her paternal grandparents from the start. We live within a 45min - 1 hour drive from them, and 3 minutes from my parents. While I expected my parents to be closer to our little one than my husband's, since we do live a lot closer, I also thought that the joys of getting to know their granddaughter would mean they would love visiting and having us visit them. At the time of our daughter's birth she had two boy cousins, both under a year - one of who's father's was in jail, and one whose parents were in the process of divorcing. To avoid an extremely long comment here, I'll just say, my daughter's grandparents have been very involved in their other grandchildrens lives, and our daughter has only seen them about once every 3 months (and this is only when we have repeatedly asked them up to visit, or asked repeatedly for a date when we can come for a visit). I have felt very upset about this many, many times, but have come to realize that although my daughter is missing out on seeing her grandparents (and that is sad), they are the ones missing out the most on getting to see their beautiful granddaughter grow up. I don't like it that we have a "look at pictures often so she'll remember who they are" relationship. If you feel close enough to your in-laws, you might mention that R would like to see them more often - I have tried with mine, and usually get the response "Yes, I know - we really would like to get together more often, but life is just so busy. We're working on trying to do better". And then it's just back to the same. I pray that it won't always be this way - they are missing out on so much. I just keep sending emails asking them up for dinner, on a zoo trip, etc. And maybe someday it will work. I also thank God often for my parents, and my grandma who adore my daughter, and if they haven't seen her in 2 days call to talk to her on the phone to say they're missing her.
You also might find that once your in-laws get a little more settled into their role as "parenting grandparents" that they will re-instate themselves into R's life. I hope in their case it is just a phase that will soon pass - It very well could be.
If you would like to chat shoot me an email titushome at gmail dot com - I'd love to hear from you, and am really hoping we get to meet in Ethiopia - I would also love any advice/tips/etc I'm sure you can share since you've been down this adoption road once before.
Blessings to you and your family!
Sarah
hey girl...
you know, it's just a hard situation to be in. i've dealt with similar stuff. not quite the same, but similar. it's so tricky, you know? i'd err on the side of patience. take a deep breath and realize that this will be a period where your support of your MIL is probably what will help most in the long run. She'll feel supported, and not pressured to do more than she can handle right now (she's just assumed a LOT of responsibility, and I'm thinking that her head is probably spinning as she adjusts... mine would be!). So i wouldn't take it personally. I'd love on your daughter as best as you can, and support your MIL. She'll appreciate that and so much, and blessings will abound, eventually. that's the hope, right??? Give it a few weeks... and have a gentle talk if things don't improve. Also, offer your help... maybe you could all hang out, with your niece/nephew and daughter, so that your MIL can see your daughter too, while getting a little help with the other kiddos.
hope that helps... hang in there
becca
Noelle doesn't even know who my MIL is, seriously. Pretty sad considering she lives in the same town as us. The only time they see her is if she stops by to drop something off or pick something up or the couple times a year we ask her to babysit, plus holidays. She's just not into "family time." Yet, she has a closer relationship to my SIL's kids, who live on the other side of the country because she visits them several times a year for a week or so and they visit here for a couple weeks during the summer. During these visits, it's 100% quality time. They also talk on the phone a lot. Plus, she is very obvious about the fact that she prefers boys to girls. It is obvious that she prefers my nephews and my stepson to my girls.
I think you should have A talk to her. With all she has going on, she probably is completely unaware of what's going on or how you feel, but that doesn't mean it's OK. Letting A talk to her will take the burden of "*itchy DIL" off your shoulders. Plus, it is his mother.
that's a tough situation. i say let her know that you wish she could be in your daughters life more, like she used to, but you understand the recent stress. then give her some space and time. if she's a good grandma, she'll realize what she's been missing and come around. otherwise, maybe you can't have the relationship that you hoped for. i know with my in-law's, it's not nearly what i wish for my kids. my side of the family is much more involved. in law side is only involved when it's convenient for them. which sucks. but that's just the way they are. i can't change them and i refuse to nag them or hunt them down so they'll spend time with the kids. they are the ones that will miss out on their childhood. when the kids are old enough to notice the difference, the grandparents might regret it. but it's worth a shot to talk to her about it. maybe she's been so busy she hadn't noticed. or maybe she figure you wouldn't miss her so much. good luck.
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