Indeed, I am thankful

Thanksgiving was the last holiday we celebrated before we received R's referral nearly 3 years ago. My heart ached for her, a longing I can't explain. I knew that she was out there, making her way to us. I remember the feeling of hope that I would see my child's face before Christmas that year. And we did. And it was amazing.

And, so, this year, we celebrate Thanksgiving as a family of 4. Although E was alive last year at this time, she was at HH this time last year so this was her first Thanksgiving. It was lovely.


Here are the two biggest blessings of my life:

I am so very thankful.

Best $10 I've Ever Spent

Ok, so hair's a challenge around here. I mean, I have two little beautiful Ethiopian daughters with beautiful Ethiopian baby curls. Recently, I came across an article about something called a Tangle Teezer... Then my friend A posted a rave review about it on her blog, so I asked her what was so wonderful about this weird looking comb-brush thingie.

I used it on R's hair the other day, and it worked ok. I mean, it was nice, but I didn't see much of a difference in it versus the combs we usually use. I had already done E's hair for the day when I purchased it, so I didn't try it on hers until this morning.

OH.

MY.

GOSH.

The thing's amazing. Doing E's hair used to be torture for both her and me (or A when he does it!). Just the sight of the comb would cause her to burst into tears and cry out "Hold you, Momma, hold you, Momma!" which means "give me a hug and don't hurt my head with that mean old comb." Seriously, it was the most awful part of the day, and I dreaded it each morning.

This morning, though, was sooo different. E started crying when A put the detangler on her, but when he started working through her hair with the Tangle Teezer, she actually stopped crying and just sat there!!

It was a miracle!! I mean, really, an honest to God miracle. If you have a child with hair that is similar to E's hair, go buy one tomorrow. You can get them online at the company's website as well as a few other places online. However, I actually found that they are now sold at Sally's Beauty Supply so I was able to purchase mine in the store.

If you want to know more or have questions, please feel free to leave a comment with your email, and I will email you back.

(Just so you know, obviously, I'm writing this review on my own. No one asked me to, and I'm certainly not getting paid to do it. Although, if Tangle Teezer wants to send me a free one, I'd be more than happy to advertise for them more- haha.)

"That tiny baby is Cinderella"

That's what R said the other night when I showed her the picture of herself sleeping (posted below). And Cinderella, my princess-baby certainly is.

I think about what life would have been like for my Cinderella-girl had her birthmom not made an adoption plan for her. My beautiful, happy, smiley, stubborn girl... it kills me to picture her as one of the many children I saw one the streets of Addis during our trips to Ethiopia. I think of my girls and wonder, wonder, wonder...

But, my point is that today, we celebrated life-- the 3rd birthday of my princess R and the new life gained in the baptism of my precious, darling, little love-E-poodle. Today E was baptized, and after the baptism, we had a birthday party/baptism party. Sometime-- soon--- I'll post pictures.

Tonight, though, I think I'll go to bed early!

Like Sisters? No, Really Sisters.

I'm asked sometimes if the girls are like sisters or not. Sisterhood for my girls has been a journey. First, hard and uncertain, with jealousy on R's part and confusion on E's. R didn't like that she wasn't the center of our universe but now had to share it with a tiny stranger. E wasn't quite sure what this big sister thing was all about.

Over the months since E's been home, the girls have become sisters, really and truly. Doesn't matter that they don't share DNA; that's not important. What is important is that they share a family, that they ARE a family.

And tonight, as my girls shared a bag of m&ms (a snack-sized one, don't worry!), rolled around on the floor together, tickled each other, and chased each other back and forth from one end of the house to the other, it struck me that they are really sisters in every sense of the word. And they love each other in a way that no other person on earth can-- as a sister.

I have two brothers, one 14 months younger than me and the other 6 years. My entire life, I wanted a sister. When A and I decided it was time to bring another child home, I knew it had to be R's sister. I have absolutely NOTHING against boys (our next child will most likely be one if things go as planned), but I knew it was important that my girls had each other.

So, please, the question about if they act like sisters... It's irrelevant now. They just... are... sisters.

2 for a Few More Days

It is not long now (Friday) before my 2-year-old becomes my 3-year-old. This tiny, tiny baby is growing up before my eyes.

(In case you were wondering, she still looks like this when she sleeps.)

(This is the first picture I ever saw of my daughter.)

Tonight as we did our nighttime routine, it struck me how big she looks. My baby-girl R is going to soon be a little girl, and I am going to miss that baby. Little girl R is going to be amazing, this I know, but in different way from Baby R was/is. (I don't want to even think about Teenager R. That's terrifying.)


And, tonight, I wonder if Y is thinking of her birthdaughter, the child she gave life to almost 3 years ago. Does her heart ache for her daughter? If I could sit down with Y one more time, I would tell her how much R is loved, cherished, and adored. I do not know if she regrets her decision, but I would tell her that R is one of my two greatest blessings of my life. I would tell her how spirited our daughter is and how full of love of life and passion she is. I would talk about her strong-will and her ability to draw people to her... As I cannot imagine my life without R, I cannot even imagine how hard Y's decision was. There are no words to describe what it is like to be the mother of an adopted child.


My R, as you spend the last few days as a 2-year-old, please know that you amaze me. I love you dearly.

Puzzle Pieces

Have I mentioned before that E's life before she came home is just a puzzle to me? A puzzle with pieces missing, and I don't know if I'll ever find them all. We have our year post-placement visit with our social worker on Thursday, and tonight I was looking through some of E's referral paperwork.

I found two things that frustrate me. First of all, the doctor's examination from Ethiopia clearly states that she has molluscum contagiosum, NOT fungus (ringworm is very common) like it says in the paperwork from our agency and based on what we were told while we were in country. I have taken her to a dermatologist for this three times and actually have an appointment for another one next week. I gotta say, that's frustrating. It would have saved us some hassle because when she came home, neither the regular pediatrician nor the international specialist knew what it was. The dermatologist diagnosed it about 2 months after she came home. In the end, it is not that big of a deal, but it is very frustrating. The other thing is that the ET doctor paperwork says she can sit without assistance, while the referral info says she cannot and that she was just starting to roll over. Her referral pictures clearly show her sitting independently, by the way. This leads me to believe that perhaps the referral information that they thought she was younger than stated might also be inaccurate.

I know that whoever does the reports for my agency in country does some "copy and paste" of information, specifically because the daily schedule for E was exactly the same as the one for R 2 years prior, spelling errors and all. My problem is that I now believe that some of E's referral info is incorrect. I mean, clearly it is. The doctor's info and the referral photographs contradict it. I know that on my part it might have helped for me to look at the records more closely, but to be honest, in the moment of receiving a referral, the stress of waiting to pass court and travel, and the transition of bringing a new child home, it just didn't happen.

So, next steps? I think the next step is contact my case manager (although she's on maternity leave until Jan.) and ask her to contact the transitional home in Ethiopia to ask them to take another look at E's paperwork. I mean, if this is wrong, is it possible that birth family names and information, her birthplace, etc. are also inaccurate?

I feel this is a setback. Maybe it is what I needed to take the plunge and pursue searching for birthfamily and finding out more information about my girl's history. Or maybe it is just one or two simple errors and everything else is fine.

However, my gut, I know that there is more to E's story, to her past, than a few lines on referral paperwork. The missing puzzle pieces keep me up at night. I just want and need answers, for me... and more importantly, for the precious baby girl I am fortunate enough to call my daughter.

A Year

Today marks a year since we received our referral for E! As my friend S put it so well, she was so tiny, scared, and completely gorgeous. She was all that and more. I was at work when I got THE CALL on my cell phone. I'd just changed the ringtone to this completely crazy one the night before because we knew we were "unofficially" number one on the list.

The phone rang and in the same second, I was out the door of my office and running up the steps to my friend H's classroom. My case manager kept trying to tell me the details but I wanted her to wait so I could get some paper.

I burst into the last few minutes of H's 7th period class and could only say her name, unable to really speak with the emotion of the experience. No matter, she understood what was happening, shooed some students out of her workroom, and got the team camera to take some pictures of me while I spoke to J.

I heard the details of my E's story, which I'll leave private for obvious reasons. J said she was going to send an email with pictures. I hung up and called A to tell him he was a daddy times two. We waited for the email with pictures, which seemed to take forever. I text one word to my family and friends-- "REFERRAL!"-- as my hands were shaking so hard.

And, finally, the pictures came. Only 3 of them, but it didn't matter. What did matter was that we had a daughter halfway across the world. I can't describe what it is like to get a referral. I can only say that is the most emotional experience of my life. That night, we went to our favorite local Italian place for a celebration dinner and stared and stared and stared at her pictures.

A year later, she's been home nearly 10 months, and I can't really remember what it was like without her. We celebrated at that same Italian place, this time, a party of four, and my E ate a mountain of pasta and meatballs.

My E, I love you so very much. You are light and joy and goodness all rolled into one, and I am so very thankful that I am your mother. It has been a year since you became a member of our family, and I cannot wait to see what the future brings. Love you forever!

IDK

I've been sort of MIA recently. I feel like I have no time for anything at the moment, including blogging. Despite being rather unhappy work-wise, the weeks do fly by, which is helpful.

The girls are doing pretty well. My E is such a little darling love. She is so affectionate and sweet. My R cracks me up. At nearly 3, I never know what's going to come out of her mouth. Sometimes she drives me crazy, but we are not struggling as much as we were even a couple weeks ago. If you ask her her name, she'll say, "Umm, Cinderella." She's obsessed.

My dear husband has been talking a lot about "our boy" lately. He "jokes" about starting the process again in a couple months. I finally asked him if this is something he really wants to do. As much as I would like to say I am, I'm just not ready. At all. Most days, I feel overwhelmed with the 2 children I have already.

Which leads me to my next point. At my recent doctor visit, I talked to her about some symptoms and long story short, I'm going to have some blood work and x-rays done to see if I have an auto-immune disorder. I really don't think I'm being paranoid in thinking it is possible that I do have one. One of my best friends has one (R.A.) so I have watched how it affects her over the past few years.

Some cute pictures of my girls soon! (Maybe this weekend if I have time...)

Small Gift in my Inbox

Two more pictures of E at age 9 months, which brings the total to 3!

She's saying, "Would you read me this book, please? Look how cute I am with my giant, beautiful brown eyes! How could you resist me?"

W, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Every Fall

Today, my R said two very precious things:

ONE:
"Mom, I'm soooo proud of you!"
"Aww, that's sweet, baby, why?" I reply.
"Beedu you've been weawy good dis week!"
"Thank you princess!" I say with a smile, and we give each other a big hug.

TWO:
"I weawy lucky beedu I have a mom a dad an' a sister!"

It is in these simple moments I find such joy in being R's mom. And in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking of HER-- R's birthmom, Y-- who misses out on all these moments.

It's fall now, or nearly so.

The past 2 falls, R has been home with us.
The past 2 falls, R has had difficulty. Our social worker told us once that children who have experienced trauma often relive some of that experience around the anniversary of it's happening.

Without going into details of my daughter's private story, my R was born on Nov. 12, 2007. She was referred to us on Dec. 7, 2007. Obviously in those few short weeks of her life, she experienced the loss of her birthmother.

Knowing how attached my child is to me, I can only imagine how scared my tiny baby must have been as this was happening all around her. Honestly, I try not to think about it too much because it is hard. Very hard.

I think often times that people think I'm being silly when I say that I think this is what R is experiencing. They remember that R was just 3 months old when we brought her home, and they think that babies that young can't possibly understand or experience grief/loss/trauma.

BUT. THEY. CAN. and do.

My daughter's attachment to her family is secure; in that I have no doubt. But in the fall, she always regresses a little. This always manifests in sleep issues. Her first fall home, this meant that she would wake at 10 or 10:30pm every night and stay up until 3 or 4 or 5am. Her second fall, she would often need to come to bed with A and me and would wake frequently.

This year, it's happening again. For months and months, she's gone to sleep on her own, no problem at all. About 2 weeks ago, she started having to come downstairs multiple times before finally staying in bed for the night. This week, however, she's added to the mix by waking up many times during the night. Each time, whether before I've gone to bed or waking me from a dead sleep, she says (in a pathetic voice), "I want to be wit you, I weawy want to be wit you."

My poor child. In her own way, she knows that something is missing but is still too little to understand what. I think constantly of our decision to adopt and of Y's decision to make an adoption plan for her. I love her so, so much, my R, and I can't imagine life without her now. But I think, too, about Y. How does she cope with this loss?

Undoubtedly, R's quality of life is better here in the US with her momma and daddy. There is no question that we can provide far more for her than Y could.

But in these months, when my child tries to work through her grief and loss in a way only a small child can, I start to have doubts, too.

I want so very much to be the RIGHT choice for my child. But with all my child will face because she was adopted and seeing her go through this mourning period...

And, so, my child's insecurities become mine, and we will get through this difficult part of the year. Together.

My dear sweet precious R, I love more than you could ever know or possibly understand.

Culture Camp Photos

A few pictures from camp last weekend. Many of the ones I took have other people or their kids in them so I don't feel like I should post them on my blog!

My little family at the Ethiopian dinner. Everyone was dressed in their ET finest! (The dress isn't mine-- borrowed from my ET friend F. A and the girls are wearing their ET clothing we bought in country.)Above and below: R had her hair braided by a few of the ET woman at camp. Boxbraids and loose in the front with corn rows into a ponytail in the back. It looked adorable!

Below: This is E at one of the last stations we did at camp. She looks so cute in this picture and so tired, too. Shortly after this picture, A took her to go take a nap!

On a side note, I want to comment on a couple of the comments left from my last post. I don't want anyone to think I was offended by what the little girl said. Nor did I think she was being judgemental. My point was simply that sometimes it hard to be a "different" family and always stand out. I assure you that I answered the child's question with kindness and know she meant no harm. It gets tiresome to never get a break from being the poster-family for transracial adoption. Sometimes I just want to take my kids to dance class like everyone else and NOT stand out! Especially after a long day and week of work. I just don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about how I handled the situation.

Orange and Brown

It happened tonight at dance class.
My first question from a little child about why my girls and I don't "match" on the outside.

The little girl looks at E and me while we watch my R dance.

"I don't understand how she is your daughter. She's brown, and you're orange."

I reply that she's my baby even though we don't have the same skin color.

"But how?"

I tell her that you don't have to have the same skin to be family. That E didn't come out of my belly like she and her twin came out of her mommy's belly.

"Why? Why is it like that?"

I sigh.
I explain that E's daddy and I decided not have babies in my belly and adopt them instead.

The little girl seems satisfied with this answer and runs off to play with her sister.

This little girl only asked the questions I know a lot of the moms are dying to ask. One admits tonight that she saw us at the nearby outdoor mall when the girls were playing in the fountain there.

I think often about the path my life has taken since A and I made the decision in March 2007 to adopt our children instead of having bio children.

Some days, like today, I just wish we were "normal" and that we didn't stand out. I didn't feel like answer a child's questions about my girls' skin color today. I didn't realize that through our adopting, my family would be a permanent and very visible walking advertisement for diversity and transracial families. I just wasn't aware of it.

Does this mean that I would change the course of my actions? I think the answer is no.

Yep, still here

Culture camp 2010 is over. It was a blast, but I'm also glad to have a break for a couple months before we start planning for 2011. I'll do a post with pictures 1) when I have time 2) when I find my camera. (It's around here somewhere.)

Sooooo work is the same. The "update" is that I will continue to be banished to exile for this school year. The principal from my home school met with the curriculum director last week, and the meeting didn't go well. Every day is a struggle for me right now when it comes to this aspect of my life. At least today is the last day of August, which means one month down. Yeah, pessimistic is my middle name right now.

E's had a rough past few days. R, too.

I'm so very tired. Time to go to bed. Good night!

This Week...

... has been hard on various levels.
1. Just the re-establishing of working routine.
2. E is having some issues adjusting especially. R is fine.
3. Work isn't going well.

I'm feeling pretty miserable and hopeless right now about the whole situation. I know it has to get better in some way because, well, if it doesn't, I don't know that I'll be able to survive the year.

Yeah, I know, it's dramatic. But that's where I am right now.

I mean, seriously, judgemental much?

Ok, so R had her first real dentist appointment yesterday. The hygienist is a fellow adoptive mom. She has two teenage AA girls, and we chatted nicely about our girls' hair and beads and braids-- benign stuff like that.

Then somehow the conversation turned to where my girls are from. Ethiopia... And her attitude (as well as her expression) changed. She said, "yeah, I know some people don't like open adoptions and you don't have to worry about that with international... And my husband and I just saw that there are so many kids HERE who need homes..." She said more along the same lines, but I can't remember it all.

At first I didn't fully understand what she was saying because our conversation had just taken a startling turn. I wasn't expecting her to react in that fashion, not one bit.

I mean, seriously, judgemental much?

I would like to state something for the record and for this woman, too, although I know she'll never read this. I would give anything to be able to regularly email my girls' birthmothers/birthfamilies, send them pictures and letters, invite them to my girls' birthday parties. The fact that we have zero contact with our girls' birthfamilies is something I struggle with. I did NOT adopt from Ethiopia so I could have a "closed" adoption. As I have said before, I adopted from Ethiopia because that is where my girls were.

Meaning, it is no accident. I cannot even begin to describe to you the peace I felt the day we decided to adopt from Ethiopia. It was one of the most RIGHT decisions I have ever made in my life. Did we consider domestic adoption? Yes, we did, briefly. There are multiple reasons why domestic adoption wasn't for US, which does not mean that is not for other people.

I know cases in which domestic adoption was/is the absolute most perfect and right decision for families. And I harbor NO judgement for people who adopt domestically. In fact, I think they are amazing. But I think people who adopt from ANYWHERE are amazing, so there. International adoption was the right decision for us. Just like for my BF, having bio children was the right decision. Or so many families I know, the right decision is a blend of the two. Families are grown in so many different ways, and I don't think one way is superior to another.

Yes, there ARE kids "here." But there are kids all over the world who need homes. When it comes down to it, does it matter? Who cares if you have to drive 2 hours in the car to bring your daughter home or fly halfway across the world to do it? There is a need for children to be adopted domestically-- of course-- but there is also a need for children to be adopted internationally.

Ok, so my point? Get to it, right?

My point is that I didn't expect a fellow adoptive mom to be so judgemental about our adoption plan. I know that there are plenty of people who do not understand international adoption, and I just simply hadn't encountered a hostile reaction to our adoptions from someone else who'd adopted.

This woman doesn't know me. She doesn't know my heart. She doesn't know how I lie awake in the night sometimes trying to picture what E's first 8 months with her birthfamily were like. Trying to picture the sound of her birthmom's voice... Or wondering if R's feet are like her birthmother's or her birthfather's. She doesn't know what led my husband and me to adopt or to select Ethiopia as the place our family would grow from. I wonder if R's birthmom knows that my agency's transitional home has moved and if she has the photo book I made and carried to Ethiopia for her. There are so many unknowns, shadows that haunt me. This woman, she knows nothing about any of that.

And she sure as heck doesn't know God's plan for MY family.

Good Bye, Summer...

... you have been good to me. Tomorrow marks the end of summer for me, as my workday for school is Friday. We are to be at the HS at 8:30 sharp for the district opening meeting.

It has been just a week since I learned of my reassignment to only one building. The principal at the other building and I have talked several times since then, and she is fighting for me. She has a meeting with the curriculum director (who made the decision) next Thursday or Friday. Until then, I'm stuck where I am.

Honestly, I don't know what will happen. I'm trying to have peace about the whole thing and the grace to handle this situation well, regardless of the outcome of that meeting. I haven't cried in days, although I do feel on edge and sick to my stomach when I allow myself to think about it or someone asks me about it.

I have been spending the week trying to do fun things with my precious babies and just enjoy them as much as I can. There has been a marked improvement in R's behavior, and that is helping so very much. Tomorrow, R has a dentist appointment and her first dance class of the "fall." After that, the girls and I will go to H's house to watch the season finale of So You Think You Can Dance and mourn the end of summer. I can pretty much guarantee there will be wine and chocolate involved.

Never Before Seen Picture

Someone who brought her son home while E was in Ethiopia sent me a picture of her from their trip today. I believe this picture was taken in November, so at the time, E would have been about 9 months old and had been at our agency's home for about 4 to 6 weeks. This is the only picture we have of her at 9 months. She looks great in purple, huh? Call me crazy if you must, but I think she recognized her bed, too!

Some Thoughts

After going to our agency's picnic this past weekend and some other things... I've been thinking a lot about "stuff" and the miracle that is adoption. Honestly, this post is a long time coming. It has been floating around in my brain for a while.

I think a lot about R and E's adoptions and their referrals. All the things that led up to our receiving referrals for these so very perfect-for-our-family girls. In R's case, a family that had been one spot ahead of us but was on both the boys' and girls' lists decided to take their name off the girls' list... Thus, putting us in the perfect place for R to be our daughter. And they have a son who is perfect for their family.

In E's case, my friend H had told me what she "saw" in a dream as far as what E looked like and who she would be... (She also "saw" R's birth in a dream and was spot on as far as R's appearance, age, etc.) I think sometimes about how she could be so right about one child and so wrong about the other-- especially when H's dreams are pretty much always accurate. But, you see, there was a little baby who spent a few days in the hospital before she was referred to an amazing family, and I can't help but wonder if she hadn't been sick if we would have been matched with her instead of them (they were behind us on the waiting list)... This child fits H's description of E exactly, but as fate, as God would have it, this wasn't our E after all. She was meant for another family, and our E was meant for us... To be honest, I don't know if she came to my agency's home before E did or the same day or what.

I think about the friendships and the changes adoption has brought into our lives. The experience of going through the adoption process, traveling to Ethiopia, and parenting transracially is something can never fully understand until you experience yourself. Parenting my girls is not always easy... Some of this is adoption-related and some of this is just simply part of having children, but I am so very thankful for them.

And I'm thankful for the family of fellow adoptive parents I've gotten to know and have in my life.. part of my family, too. I love that my girls can run around and play with other little Ethiopian children. I love that I have been able to travel to Ethiopia 2 times and that Ethiopian culture is now part of my life. I love the support of other adoptive moms when things get tough.

Some people don't understand adoption... or why someone would adopt internationally... or why someone would adopt transracially. To them, all I can say is that my girls are just as much my children as if I had carried them for 9 months... we adopted from Ethiopia because that is where our girls were... and lastly, although I know there will be challenges for our babies, we cannot imagine two more perfect girls for our family.

Well, I didn't see that one coming...

Sigh. I went to a meeting this morning with one of my principals. Or so I thought. The curriculum director also came, which wasn't something I was expecting.

Seems they've been discussing my position and have made the decision that I will only be working in one building this year... the building in which I received some really awful survey comments last year.

I was dreading returning to that building even part time this coming school year. The fact that I would still be in my home building was what was saving me. Now, everything is wrong. I'm going to be there full time and will not have the safety of my home building to fall back on.

I feel like this is going to kill me. I felt humiliated in that building and don't know how I am going to work there full time. I have looked for other positions, but as it is Aug. 4, there are no openings for my licensure.

On the bright side, I was able to type this without sobbing hysterically so that's a plus.

Away for a Few Days

UPDATED WITH THE REST OF THE PICTURES

We got back last night from a trip to visit a dear friend and to attend my agency's regional picnic. We had a pretty good trip, aside from some crazy girl behavior from my R. The girls did a great job in the car, and we visited a zoo and a couple museums before the agency picnic. Here are some pictures from the trip! They start with the last thing we did and end with the first, but I'm not going to try to put them in the opposite order. :)

Below, my E modeling the Africa shirts and hair clips I had made.

I think my R looks so very Ethiopian in this picture. Something about the way her hair frames her face and the expression on it.

My girls getting to know my friend P's daughter, S. They loved swinging with her on the swing in the back of the house. S was so sweet to my girls, and I loved seeing both her and her momma. (Her daddy is overseas fighting for our country right now.)

At the science museum, playing in an ambulance exhibit. Moments later R pushed E right off the seat. Ahh, sisterly love at its best!

Humm, I don't think letting R have a mallet is a great plan, do you?

R is fascinated with buses, so she was very excited to see this at the science museum!

"I'm from here-- 'Opia!-- Daddy!" my R says with pride.

Here, my girls look at the giraffes in their giraffe shirts. (Just take my word for it!)

My little Ethiopian princesses worn out from their day of going to the zoo (101 degree heat) and an art museum with a kids' play area.
Mommy and her sweet little E. She is so very precious.

A is not amused by R's behavior at dinner.

At a rest stop on the way there-- R is leading E back to the van.