I really hate not having answers...

...for E about her past and story.

Today, I opened the front of my planner, which still has the hastily-written notes I scribbled as we got the call with our referral for E. On it, it said something about the region she was born in-- Kembata-- and the village-- Doyodena. Although I was at work, I stopped what I working on and began again to fruitlessly search for information about where my child was born.

Until today, I'd been able to find NOTHING about the village. Then, in searching for some information about Kembata, I found the name of a village...

Doyogena or Doyo Gena.

It clicked. It is in the Kembata region, and I've heard from others that sometimes there are misspellings. Of course there are. Maybe even a typo as someone put the information into a referral document.

I know it's not much. But it is something. Something I can share with my daughter about her past, family, and first 8 months of her life. And maybe it is a beginning for me to be able to find more.

Without publicly sharing my daughter's personal story, it is obvious that E was older when we got her referral and when she came home. She was 8 months old the day we were matched with her. For those first 8 months, she lived in Doyogena. I know a little (and by that I mean next to nothing) about her birthfamily and was blessed with pictures of her and her birthmother on a CD we received in Ethiopia.

But that's it.

It is so different than with R. With her, I know where she was born. I know where her birthmother's family is from (Gondor). I saw with my own eyes where she lived for the first few weeks of her life before coming to my agency's home and becoming our daughter. I even know which crib, which room, etc. And, we met her birthmother. There are holes in R's story, but these holes and gaps do not compare to the ones in E's.

I struggle with not knowing more. I struggle with what I will tell my daughter some day when she wants to know details of her story I can't tell her. It is hard to describe how it feels to not even know the accurate name of the place where your child was born or be able to pick it out with certainty on a map.

To know little to nothing about her time there breaks my heart. It makes me feel restless, and it makes me feel guilty. Don't I owe it to her to find the answers? I think so.

My sweet, precious E. She is just a tiny little girl now, but some day, she'll be 8 or 12 or 20 or 33 and want to know more.

I know that loss and heart ache come with adoption. I felt it with R's adoption (and still do in many ways), but it did not prepare me for what I feel when it comes to huge void in E's story.

Thank God.

Some ET adoption friends of ours had court last night. And they passed. In any normal situation, this would be wonderful, amazing news.

In this case, it is beyond amazing and wonderful... You see, S and T have been waiting a very long time. They got their referral for their beautiful son in August.

And then, the wait truly began. The problem is that their son was from a region in which there was some corruption concerning adoption and ET officials. There was a VERY LONG investigation, and thankfully, their son's paperwork was legitimate and ethical.

In typical ET fashion, there were more issues.

They needed a signature. One signature stood between them and being assigned a court date. This seems simple enough, but the complication was that this particular official would go to work a day or two and then disappear again for a month or more.

So they waited and waited and waited.

Months passed.

We got our referral.

S and T still waited.

We were assigned a court date.

S and T still waited.

We passed court and received travel dates.

S and T still waited.

We brought our daughter home.

S and T still waited.

Then, finally, they got the news that the paperwork had been signed and they had a court date.

And, last night, while we slept, a court in Ethiopia made Y their son.

Finally.

Thank God.

Back to Work

Ok, so we're on day two of my being back at work. E did really well yesterday for my friend M, and the only time she was scared/confused is when she woke up from her nap and didn't know where she was... So that's really good.

I thought I'd be able to ease back into things for the first week, but my schedule is already full of meetings, and I have a list of tasks already! But, I do just have this week and next before spring break! So that is nice.

So far, the worst part is getting up at 6am again.

I am hoping that E continues to do well and that she is able to bond with M and be happy while Momma is at work.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

The girls and I went to the zoo with my friend A and her sweet daughter E... so fun!

Here is a funny picture of R showing me what the alligator was doing.

The others are ones of my happy, beautiful E. How I love that child!

Another Potential Job

On Friday, a job was posted for my district. It is actually for a position through the county I live in, but it is for working in my district.

I'm totally applying for it. It is a curriculum job, and I think I would really enjoy it. If I'm being honest, I like my coaching position... but I really do not like having to work in 2 buildings for what I do. (The other coaches in my district only work with 1 building and have about 1/3 the staff and less than 1/2 the students I deal with.) I constantly feel like I'm bouncing back and forth between buildings because... well, because that's what I actually do!

This position would be working on school improvement throughout all the buildings in my district (7 total). It is right up my alley.

The resume and cover letter have to be submitted by March 25, and interviews will be after that. I can think of at least 5 other teachers who will probably apply for the job... but I have nothing to lose by applying, and who knows? I might actually get it.

I'm cooler than cool!

So, if you know me in person, you know I'm super-cool, right?

Well, I just got home from going to the grocery store and to Old Navy with the baby...

Umm, I just discovered that my fly has been down, probably the entire time. And, don't worry, the bright blue underwear I'm sporting today contrasts nicely with my dark blue jeans!

I guess it is a good thing I only saw one person I know when I was out.

So, yeah, I'm cooler than cool.

Family Stuff

Ok, I've mentioned before that my sister-in-law is not my favorite person. Maybe I've not said that directly, but I am now. She's selfish and takes advantage of whomever she can to get what she wants.

Currently, my in-laws are going for custody of my niece, who is going to be five in August and who is definitely "special needs." Why? Because my niece, E, lives with them while my SIL, L, no longer does. My brother-in-law is now also seeking full custody of his son and lives with the in-laws, too.

My SIL makes me so angry. Is that wrong? I don't know. Sometimes life is hard. Being a mom is hard. And I'm sure that being a mom to E is really hard. But does that mean that my MIL has to do it for her?

I knew it would happen that eventually the in-laws would have to take custody of E. And, if my SIL can't get her act together, when they die, we will have to become E's guardians.

Ignorant

Some people are so ignorant. I have a friend whose cousin recently brought his Haitian son home. This past weekend, they had an open house for the family to meet the new son.

Some of the family was talking about the child's birthfamily. One remarked that the boy was so handsome that his birthfather must have been white.

Umm, what?

Seriously?

What kind of ignorant comment is that?

People drive me crazy. There are so many underlying issues with this comment that I don't even know where to begin, so I just won't even try.

All I can say is that I'm glad my friend's cousin lives in Korea (teaches English there) so his son will not have to be around this family much at all.

Sometimes the Past Catches Up with You...

... in the form of a former student you bump into at McDonald's. (What'd ya think I was going to say?)

So weird.

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's (requested by the kids) with my friend M, 2 of her girls, and my 2. As we were getting ready to leave, I caught the eye of a woman reading a book to her baby girl. I noticed that she was staring at me (I was hold E, and that happens all the time), and I saw we had the same board book.

As M, the girls, and I were leaving, the woman walked towards us. Suddenly, I realized this "woman" was a former student, a girl I haven't seen since she was 17. It is so strange when someone who you remember as a teenager is suddenly an adult, with a job, two kids, and a husband. Really, though, this "girl" is only about 5 years younger than I am.

When this girl was in my class as a sophomore and junior, she kept a journal for extra credit. She'd write about all sorts of things, and I'd comment back to her. She was certain she was going to marry her boyfriend, and he'd become a politician. She would have made a great politician's wife, I always thought, although I didn't think she and the boyfriend were a good match.

Seeing her today, though, I'm glad her life's turned out differently than the way she'd dreamed it would be. For one thing, the boyfriend (a very smart kid when he was my student) is now in jail, along with his father, for ROBBING A BANK. Nothing like holding up a bank to strengthen the bond between father and son, right?

This girl was a student of mine during a time in which I hated everything about being a teacher. When I left that school for a new job, I thought I'd teach just another year and move on.

I was young, very insecure, and, to be honest, mistreated by the administration. Seeing that girl today reminds me of that very painful time in my life.

Was I the best teacher she could have had? No, but I worked hard, and I wasn't awful, although I believed myself to be at the time.

So, tonight, I'm thankful that I managed to rise above that painful part of my life and have some success in my career. I'm thankful that this former student of mine is happy in her life. And, I'm thankful to know that she made the effort to come over and talk to me when I didn't recognize her.

I guess that means I wasn't too horrible of a teacher then, right?

Changes in ET Adoptions

Well, it looks like starting today, Ethiopia is going to require adoptive parents to go to Ethiopia twice-- once to attend court and once to bring their children home. Also the US is going to require some checking into each child's case before an embassy appointment can be assigned.

Here are my thoughts:
1. (Selfish) Thank god we brought E home before these changes took place.
2. I do understand that this is to put in place procedures to make sure adoptions are ethical.
3. Two trips= more money and more time off. Would this be feasible for us again? It is such a long trip. Would I want to make this trip twice?
4. Families will be able to bring their children home on an IR3 Visa, meaning they will automatically be citizens when they come home. No messy readoption and applying for certificates of citizenship.
5. If we were on the waiting list right now, I don't know what we'd do.
6. Just one more reason why international adoption is risky (but so worth it!). So much is out of our control...

I'm sure I'll have more to say about this later, once I've thought about it a little more. I know we are no where near a place in which we even want to adopt again right now and couldn't even if we wanted to because our agency makes families wait 9 months before starting another adoption.

Is it bad...

... that I think my friend's 4-d ultrasound pictures of her twins at 28 weeks are a little bit creepy?

The Plan

Ok, the plan is to adopt an older child or siblings next time around. Humm, yeah. In order for that to happen, we will have to wait at least 3 years, as we'd want the current babies to be a little older.

Three years? Really? That's a long time...

Please don't tell me...

... my children are lucky to have me.

In less than 24 hours, I have had 2 complete strangers at two different places and times come up to me and tell me that. (One of them also said, "They're not real sisters?!?! They can't be!" but I'll leave that part alone for now. I'll also save the part in which both these people also told me that R looks Ethiopian while "I wouldn't have guessed it with the little one." Seriously. They BOTH said all this to me.)

For, you see, saying the girls are "lucky" makes us all really uncomfortable.

My sweet babies don't owe me anything. Do you tell people with bio children or with children who "match" them that their children are lucky? So why do you say it to me?

I'm a mom with two children. Yeah, I've been to Ethiopia twice to bring them home. Sure, I'm white, and my girls are black. Yes, they have birthmothers and are not BIOLOGICALLY related to each other, their daddy or me. However, we're really quite ordinary.

I've been struggling a lot the past few weeks, as you know if you've read the post down below from a few days ago. We get SO much attention when we're out in public now with two daughters. I'm so tired of it, and it is always going to be a part of our life. I'm itching to go back to work, although I know when I go back that I'll be itching for summer. I've been thinking a lot about E's "lost time," her time in ET with her birthfamily. (Lost for her and for me as I'll never be able to tell her about the first 8 months of her life.) I've been thinking a lot about race. About the fact that my daughters will never get to be normal. About the choices their birthfamilies and A and I as their parents have made for them...

Ahh, the list goes on and on really.

I don't regret our decision to adopt once and then twice. Not one iota. I wish that for a little while we could just be normal family.

C.U.T.E.

Two-Year-Olds are Funny

Me: R, what do you want for lunch?

R: Pizza.

M: We don't have any pizza left. (We had it for dinner on Thursday when A was out of town.)

R: Pizza all gone?

M: Yes.

R: Get new then.

M: No, baby, we don't get pizza for lunch. We just have it sometimes if we have it left over from dinner.

R: Oatmeal!

M: You want oatmeal for lunch?


R: Yeah yeah!

M: Let's have sandwiches.

R: Ok Mommy.

Mom of the Year, I am Not

Last week was a rough week.

Although I know that E is not ready for me to return to work (and anyone who's been around her will tell you the same), I'm starting to get antsy.

Love the girls, of course. Am appreciative that I am able to have this time off to be with both of them.

But soooo tired of it. Last week I felt totally caged up. It is cold and snowy here, and I didn't leave the house except to go to 2 doctors' appointments. I need to get my haircut, and I'm finding yoga pants and hoodies are much more comfortable to wear while stuck in the house all day than are my typical wardrobe. The old, pre-children me would never have been caught dead in yoga pants and hoodies on a daily basis.

I needed to get out of the house. However, my friends all have kids and responsibilities, too. Not like I can just randomly call them up and say, "Come meet me for dinner. Tonight. Or I might go nuts."

A was also gone overnight on Thursday and left early in the day. I was stressed about that all week for a variety of reasons.

The girls have been very fussy and clingy, too. Several times this week, they have both just sat on my lap screaming.

At one point, I, too, had had enough. A was home, and I just went upstairs and cried. I heard a little noise, and I looked up to see my precious R's little head sticking up over the bed. Her eyes were so sad and her bottom lip was quivering. "Mommy... hap-py," she said to me.

Just about broke my heart right in half. My poor baby. As if I didn't feel guilty enough already.

It's been about 8 weeks since E came home... In the past couple weeks, we've celebrated R Day and E's birthday, as well as had our first post-placement visit with our social worker. Any one of these events on its own might cause me some sadness. Why? Well, I obviously didn't birth my girls... 2 other women did. And "gotcha" days and birthdays are happy occasions. Or they're supposed to be anyway.

But I also think about my girls' birthmothers. And then I find myself feeling like I can't be a good enough mom to them... And then I feel the guilt of of not being good enough to raise these girls, these girls who were given to me by women who love in a way I am in awe of and cannot really ever understand. What do these women think of me? How in the world do I deserve to be the mother of their children?

So, I'm trying. Yes, oh lord, I am trying.

Stats

At the time of referral (Oct. 19, 2009), E weighed 12.5 pounds.

At the time of court passage and travel update (Dec. 7, 2009), 17.5.

At her first doctor's appointment at home (Jan. 4, 2010), 18.something.

At her one year check up today, 23 pounds, 13 ounces.

She is now in the 80th percentile for weight but only the 20th for height...

Being "Adoption" PC

(Ok, to my chagrin, I recently joined facebook. It's fine, not as annoying as I thought it would be, and it is nice to keep in touch with friends out of town as well as get to know some other adoptive parents better. I also like being able to check in on our ET travel buddies.)

Today, I was reading a comment my cousin made on her sister's "wall" or whatever. My cousin, H, is young (19) and sort of silly, but her comment bothered me then and still does hours after reading it.

She was jokingly telling her older sister that she was adopted and that their parents were not her sister's "real" parents. That her sister came from an orphanage and that her "real" parents were drug dealers with Russian-sounding names.

I know she didn't mean anything by it, and she certainly wasn't thinking about my babies or about me when she wrote it... However, it just hurts. I know she was joking. I know she didn't mean anything by it and that she loves my girls. I just don't like family thinking of adoption in a negative way, like if her older sister HAD been adopted that she would be less of a family member or something. If she jokes about it, does that in some way mean that deep down she has that opinion about children who are adopted?

I want to post something on my facebook wall, an underhanded comment about how I am my girls' "real" mom and that her comment wasn't appreciated. But I dearly love my (little) cousin, and I don't want to cause any problems in the family.

So, instead, I'll post it on my blog, something the majority of my family doesn't even know exists.

How do the rest of you deal with negative adoption-related comments your family and friends make? I've been able to deal with strangers' comments without taking them to heart, but this one stings.

More Braids...

Is looking at pictures of R's hair boring? IDK. For this style, I parted the hair straight down the middle and did four braids on each side. 4 on top of her head, 4 in the back. It took me 2 days to complete this style because R and E both were fussy the first day (Monday). So, I just did 2 braids in the back, like pigtails, on Monday and finished the style on Tuesday. I also realized that the part in the back was REALLY lopsided so I wouldn't have taken her out of the house until I fixed it anyway. She likes it again. We both like not having to comb out her hair daily. I, of course, continue to condition it daily to keep it healthy. I'm still working on (and struggling with) keeping the part neat and straight! The top picture is from this morning; the others are from yesterday. What is up with the glasses? She is wearing them so she can "match" Mom and Dad. I think it is time for me to go back to my contacts!

Birthday Party Pictures

No explaining needed...
Except, my sweet E, I am so glad I am your mother.
I am so glad you were home in time to celebrate your first birthday with our family and friends.
And, you're, like, the most awesome baby ever.