(Ok, to my chagrin, I recently joined facebook. It's fine, not as annoying as I thought it would be, and it is nice to keep in touch with friends out of town as well as get to know some other adoptive parents better. I also like being able to check in on our ET travel buddies.)
Today, I was reading a comment my cousin made on her sister's "wall" or whatever. My cousin, H, is young (19) and sort of silly, but her comment bothered me then and still does hours after reading it.
She was jokingly telling her older sister that she was adopted and that their parents were not her sister's "real" parents. That her sister came from an orphanage and that her "real" parents were drug dealers with Russian-sounding names.
I know she didn't mean anything by it, and she certainly wasn't thinking about my babies or about me when she wrote it... However, it just hurts. I know she was joking. I know she didn't mean anything by it and that she loves my girls. I just don't like family thinking of adoption in a negative way, like if her older sister HAD been adopted that she would be less of a family member or something. If she jokes about it, does that in some way mean that deep down she has that opinion about children who are adopted?
I want to post something on my facebook wall, an underhanded comment about how I am my girls' "real" mom and that her comment wasn't appreciated. But I dearly love my (little) cousin, and I don't want to cause any problems in the family.
So, instead, I'll post it on my blog, something the majority of my family doesn't even know exists.
How do the rest of you deal with negative adoption-related comments your family and friends make? I've been able to deal with strangers' comments without taking them to heart, but this one stings.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
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7 comments:
Aaaahhhh, Facebook! Fun, but sometimes we learn WAY more about friends and family than we want to know!! LOL!! I'm sorry that you were hurt by that rude remark. I haven't gotten any negative comments (yet), but I know that comment would have rubbed me wrong, too!!
I've got a good one. My Grandpa announced at a family party that he "made all his own children- the way it SHOULD be." My Mom (his daughter) told him to shut up. Haha!
I actually have gooten a LOT of unintentionally rude comments and I don't even have a baby yet!!!
I think you just have to let it roll off... I don't know what else to do!
I think she was just being 19 and dumb. She wasn't thinking about your family when she said that. I know we used to say that to my brother all the time when we were little. I would just try to forget it, but if you can't then I would post a comment in her wall to wall post. If you want to be my friend on there, just request me. I tried to find you, but there were too many people with your name. hahah
I'm sure it was hurtful, but I'm sure she does think of your girls as "real" cousins, etc, she was just picking on her sister. Sometimes those of us who aren't living it first hand don't always know what not to say, etc, or say things that we don't mean like they sound. Just think of all the things we used to say when we were younger, lol!
it's tough - really tough. You just learn to have tough skin.
I think what M said is true - when you have not experienced the joy of adoption and also the hurts that thoughtless words about adoption can bring, you just don't think about it - my mom has even said a couple things that to me, as an adoptive mother sounded strange and hurtful and I just told her "as an adoptive parent, this is what it sounds like you are saying when you say that", etc. And she was horrified to have said it, WHEN she understood how it came across. If you are close to your cousin, I would just tell her - I know you were just joking and didn't mean anything by it (because it sounds like you do know that), but when you make a comment like that, it hurts us because we have have two wonderful girls who were adopted and your comment makes it sound like adoption is a negative thing. Or something like that. :)
Sarah
people who aren't in our situation are incredibly naive about how what they say impacts others. i have even bigger problems within my own family about race that i had no idea existed! getting into heated debates and arguments with friends and family i've found out does nothing other than create awkward moments and push people away. as much as i would love (love!) to change people's minds about race, i can't. so now what i do is make it clear that those comments make me uncomfortable and please don't speak that way around me or my family or we will be leaving the house/event/whatever. many many many people who haven't ever been in the minority (either from race or adoption or sexual orientation or family life) just don't understand and just can't change until they are in that situation. all we can hope for is that they can keep their naive mouths shut while we (and our kids) are around. you can make your points on facebook. i do it too, in a nice way. just like i comment to store clerks when they don't sell any black dolls. or when an artist i saw at a craft fair made every single santa ornament white. we are just placing the ideas in their heads. and that's all we can do.
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