Last week was a rough week.
Although I know that E is not ready for me to return to work (and anyone who's been around her will tell you the same), I'm starting to get antsy.
Love the girls, of course. Am appreciative that I am able to have this time off to be with both of them.
But soooo tired of it. Last week I felt totally caged up. It is cold and snowy here, and I didn't leave the house except to go to 2 doctors' appointments. I need to get my haircut, and I'm finding yoga pants and hoodies are much more comfortable to wear while stuck in the house all day than are my typical wardrobe. The old, pre-children me would never have been caught dead in yoga pants and hoodies on a daily basis.
I needed to get out of the house. However, my friends all have kids and responsibilities, too. Not like I can just randomly call them up and say, "Come meet me for dinner. Tonight. Or I might go nuts."
A was also gone overnight on Thursday and left early in the day. I was stressed about that all week for a variety of reasons.
The girls have been very fussy and clingy, too. Several times this week, they have both just sat on my lap screaming.
At one point, I, too, had had enough. A was home, and I just went upstairs and cried. I heard a little noise, and I looked up to see my precious R's little head sticking up over the bed. Her eyes were so sad and her bottom lip was quivering. "Mommy... hap-py," she said to me.
Just about broke my heart right in half. My poor baby. As if I didn't feel guilty enough already.
It's been about 8 weeks since E came home... In the past couple weeks, we've celebrated R Day and E's birthday, as well as had our first post-placement visit with our social worker. Any one of these events on its own might cause me some sadness. Why? Well, I obviously didn't birth my girls... 2 other women did. And "gotcha" days and birthdays are happy occasions. Or they're supposed to be anyway.
But I also think about my girls' birthmothers. And then I find myself feeling like I can't be a good enough mom to them... And then I feel the guilt of of not being good enough to raise these girls, these girls who were given to me by women who love in a way I am in awe of and cannot really ever understand. What do these women think of me? How in the world do I deserve to be the mother of their children?
So, I'm trying. Yes, oh lord, I am trying.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
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5 comments:
I've had a rough week too.....I'll pray the next one is better for both of us!
:)
Sarah
You are a great mom! You are so lucky to have them, and they are so lucky to have you. Just remember that if their birth mothers didn't think that their children couldn't have a better life then they wouldn't have been placed. It is God's doing that you have these beautiful girls.
We all have days and weeks like these! You're still a great mom! And I totally hear you on the wardrobe. I am embarrassed by the way I look taking Taylor to school every day :(
You are an amazing mom!! Really.....it can be very hard but you are doing what is right for your girls.
Hey - there is a Guatemalan group meeting in the middle of our state in July for the zoo, waterpark, etc for the weekend. Letme know if you are interested. I know it won't be ET kids, but sometimes it is just nice to be with other adoptive parents. Plus, I would love to meet you in real life!!
I wanted to say that I read this post a few days ago (no, I'm not stalking...) and it encouraged me. I think that every HONEST mother has these times when mothering just takes everything out of you and you feel like you've scraped the bottom of barrel and your soul is just raw. It is hard! And I think that when all us mamas belly up to the blog :) and admit that it's hard and that we're hurting and that we need community THAT's when motherhood will start getting respect. Good job putting it out there and being real!
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