Ugh.

My neighbor died about a week ago. He was pretty old, and he was very sick with cancer. He told me about 18 months ago that he had about 6 months to live. I always kind of looked out for him-- making sure he was ok and all that.

This weekend, his family descended on the home and cleared it out. It is weird to know the house is empty, save the random junk and things lining the garage walls.

He was kind, and he was lonely after his wife died a few years ago. I would often get "stuck" talking to him for at least 45 minutes while trying to get the groceries in, etc. He had family who lived about 30 minutes from here and who would visit sometimes, but it didn't seem like they were around often. One time he gave me his granddaughter's contact information just in case something happened.

Another time, he called me from the hospital to get his paper off the porch for him so it wasn't obvious no one was at the house.

This morning, as I left for church, his Sunday paper was on the porch. I stood by the van, not sure what to do. Take it or leave it. I decided to leave it until I returned from church. When I got back, the family had returned, and the paper was gone.

So I guess that's that.

Idiot

That would be me.

I did something REALLY stupid recently concerning work. Well, umm, what it was actually happened like a month ago, and I didn't realize at the time it was a problem. Until I was told yesterday that it was an issue.

The thing is, I KNOW better. I mean really! Did I ever tell you my dad's a former school administrator? I mean, like my entire life until he retired a few years ago (he was actually offered his first principalship the same day I was born. Anyway...) The bottom line is that I know better and shouldn't have done it.

So, I've walked around for the past 2 days feeling sick. At least I can say with certainty that my principal is "ok" with me. Just my luck, the issue extends to central office staff... so my principal talked to me yesterday to give me a "heads up."

What I did wasn't anything horrible. Like I told my principal, I would never do anything to embarrass her or my school. I take pride in always being very professional. It was just a dumb thing to do. Something I never thought would be an issue.

Also considering making this blog private. Thoughts?

A Letter

Dear Y,

(R's birthmother)

Tonight, as I cuddle our daughter close, she asked me with sleepy eyes to tell her the story of when A and I brought her home.

Out of the blue she says, "Mommy, why couldn't my 'Opia Mommy take care of me?" She caught me so off guard that I started to cry as I told why... (which I am not going to go into specifics in a blog...)

"Why does that make you cry, Mommy?" our wise almost-four-year-old asks me next. I told her that sometimes being in an adoptive family is hard. "Sometimes it's hard to be away from people we love, and it makes Mommy sad that your Opia Mommy lives far away from us."

In truth, she caught me off guard with her questions tonight.

It's been almost 4 years since you gave birth to our daughter. As her birthday inches closer, my heart gets heavier and heavier thinking of you and wondering how you are doing, what you are doing... Do you ever get the photo albums I send? Do you think about our girl? Do you regret your decision? Do you worry about her?

She's bright, shiny, beautiful.... She's smart, loving, caring, creative, amazing. Recently, she has started to adore her little sister and is such a great big sister to her. She's going to pre-school this year 3 mornings a week, and she LOVES it. At her school, the children get to make a lot of decisions about what and how they want to learn, and she is thriving.

Our girl is also strong-willed and stubborn. Knowing your story, I know she gets a lot of her determination from you.

I hope you are proud of her-- I tell her you must be. I hope you know how much she is loved, adored, and treasured. I hope you are pleased with the decisions A and I make for her. I wish so much that we were able to keep in contact with you better and that you could see her today. She is amazing.

Take care,

M

The Call- Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, we got The Call for E. We knew we were #1 on the list and that we could get the call any day. In fact, the night before (a Sunday night) I'd changed my ringtone for my agency to some crazy one that would definitely get my attention.

I was an instructional coach at that point, and it was close to 3pm when my cell phone rang the crazy ring tone as I sat in my office finishing up a few things and waiting for the end of the school day at 3:10. Sure enough, it was our case manager, J, and she had a little girl to tell us about. As she started talking, I immediately dashed out of my office and up the stairs to my friend H's classroom. (Both our referrals have taken place in her classroom now that I think about it...)

I remember shaking and crying a lot. There is something so surreal about the one moment when you become a parent through adoption. I got off the phone with my case manager after hearing the details about my girl and then calling A to tell he was now the father of two... We waited for the email to come through from the case manager with the pictures.

And, then, suddenly, there they were. I was looking at this tiny little girl who by some miracle God had deemed me fit to parent. As I've said before, she looked nothing like what I was expecting, but she was so beautiful and so, so sweet-looking. Those beautiful eyes! They were striking then and still are today. (Below, the other 2 referral pictures-- see the entry below for the other one. Yes, we ONLY received 3, which still bugs me!)

Today, we talked a little bit with the girls about what it means to become a family this way. That for us (A, R, and I), it was the day we learned that E would be a part of our family. For her, I know it was a time of confusion, fear, sadness, and mourning. We did not celebrate today but marked the occasion instead. We went to our favorite Italian place for dinner, as we have the past years. A and I spent time talking to both our girls about why we love them and how glad we are that they are members of our family.

We have come a long way as a family in the past two years, and I am so thankful that A and I are E's dad and mom.

Two years ago today, I was excited that I was now a mother of two precious girls. Today, I reflect on what lead us to each other and what a journey it has been both before and after the referral call.

E-poodle, I love you so much, baby doll! I cannot believe it has been 2 years since I saw your sweet face and learned of your story and became your momma. You are sweetness, light, grace, and love all rolled into one. I am so thankful that we are a family. Darling girl, there really are no words to explain how much I LOVE YOU! (Below, E today-- well, at least recently...)

My Two Loves

I have no idea what I did to be so blessed... My girls, today. I love them so much.

PS-- A's latest obsession? Card tricks! Shoot me!

Today

Two years ago today was a pretty normal Thursday morning for us. I got ready to go to work and had R dressed and eating breakfast. I turned on my cell phone, and it showed that I had a text message.

The message was from my friend S, and she'd written, "You're the new #1! The V family got the call!" I raced downstairs and checked the V family's blog... Their blog confirmed that they had received their referral, meaning that we were next in line. (Not that I didn't believe you, S! I just had to see it for myself!)

I told A, and we both were so excited. It is a surreal feeling to know that the next referral WILL be yours.

Two years ago today, E had made her journey from southern ET and had been at my agency's transitional home for 3 days. Knowing my child as I do now, I'm sure that it was a hard day for her. I know her tender heart now, and I am sure she was scared and was grieving her birthfamily. My poor, sweet, darling baby girl.

Two years ago today, my E, we were so excited about possibility of you. Today, I'm so thankful that I am your momma. I love you so much, little precious daughter of mine.

Favorite Month

I'm pretty sure October is my favorite month. I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE summer growing up, but I think now I prefer fall. My mom always has loved fall, and I never understood it until I was older. I mean, as a kid would love a month or season that involved being at school?

I gotta say, I love driving along and taking in the colors of the tree leaves as they change. I love the chilly mornings and bright clear days October often brings. I love that most days, it is neither too hot nor too cold when we go for a walk with the babies after work. I love that I can go to the store and buy apple cider and pumpkin pie. While the days are getting shorter, it is still light out until the girls go to bed right now.

I love going to farms and pumpkin patches and festivals with A and the girls. I love watching college football (even if my team sucks this year).

Did I mention my anniversary is in Oct.? A and I were married on a beautiful October afternoon.

I love that the first quarter of the school year is over as of this coming Tuesday.

I love that the first time I saw a picture of my sweet E was an October afternoon.

That's it for now. Other things on my mind, but that'll be for tomorrow.

Birth Family Questions

Some recently commented that they'd like to know what questions I long to have answers for from my girls' birth families. Here is a list of things I would love to ask E's birth family and some that I know the answers to from R's (but not all).

• What does ---- (the child’s name) mean?
• Who chose her name? Why?
• Can you tell us about her father and other family members (such as grandparents and siblings)?
• What is your personality like? Her father’s?
• Can you tell us a little about your life as a child?
• Was there a special song you sang to ---- (the child)?
• What was your labor and delivery like? Easy? Difficult? Long? Short?
• What time of day was she born? (For some reason, I LONG so much to know this.)
• Where was she born?
• Was she breastfed?
• Who does she resemble most, you, her father, or another relative?
• Was she a happy baby?
• What comforted her best?
• What can you tell me about the child’s other birth family members?
• What are your dreams for her?
• What is something you hope for your daughter?
• What would you like her to know about you?
• What would you like her to know about Ethiopia?

Seasons of Love

Today's A and my 8th wedding anniversary... 13 years together total as of today.

I think over the past 13 years of my life and am sometimes amazed at where we ended up... It has not always been easy for either of us, but it is certainly never dull.

There are seasons in marriage, I've learned, just as there are seasons of the year. Some seasons I've liked more than others. I'm sure A could say the same. I feel like in the past 6 months, we've started to come out of one of the less-than-desirable of those seasons.

So, today, we celebrate the day we vowed to devote our lives to each other.

Happy anniversary, dear.

At Almost Age 4

Her voice comes from the back of the van, again asking,

"Mommy, when I am four, can we go to Opia to visit my Opia mom?"

We talk a little bit about who are her parents and who her birthparents are. That adopting means for some people, like her, that they have family far away across the world.

And that, although we would love to be able to, we can't go to Ethiopia until she and her sister are older.

I look at her reflection in the rear view mirror. Tears in her eyes and the little lip is quivering.

My girl, 2 months shy of age 4, is starting to ask more and more questions about adoption.

We talk a lot about adoption these days. I know that at her age, this is normal and healthy.

But it is hard. I have so many regrets about our meeting with Y, R's Ethiopian mom. So many things I wish I would have asked her. And I wish so much that I would have pushed harder for our agency to arrange another meeting with her when we were in ET to bring E home.

I haven't ever watched the video of our meeting with Y. Perhaps, I think to myself as my daughter switches from talking about adoption and Y to talking about why grass grows, it is time.

I was so naive when we adopted R. I didn't count on all the baggage. I didn't know how it would truly affect us long term, even after reading all the books and going to the classes and talking with our social worker and our case manager.

I just didn't know. I wish I could go back to that day when we met Y for a redo. I wish I had had the sense of mind to ask her all the questions I don't have answers to for my precious, beautiful, sparkly, gift of a daughter.

Eval

Took R to an occupational therapist today for a screening/evaluation for sensory integration disorder. Basically, they acted like I was stupid at first. The OT just didn't seem to think anything was wrong. I don't know. The eval wasn't really based on what I'm concerned with. But the woman threw me off when she asked me all these questions about things that did or did not bother/affect R... I kept saying "no," and then she snapped at me. I talked a little more, and she calmed down and was friendly after that to both R and me, but I was flustered and doubting myself so I didn't even know what to say.

Bottom line is that I know something is off with my sweet girl. I just don't know what. Well, I still think it has to do with sensory integration, just not in the way that she was evaluated today. She is 2 months shy of age 4, and she was scoring at age 5 years 8 months through age six years three months on a lot of the eval. I don't think it is a physical thing that is off-- it is a wiring thing if that makes sense.

I'm frustrated, and I'm not really sure what the next step is. R's doctor said it might take a while to figure it out, so I have to keep that in mind. And that is why we're starting to look into it now-- so that by the time she's school age, we are able to know how to help her and do what she needs for school success, etc.

Pre-School

Tomorrow, my tiny little baby R goes to pre-school. How is it possible that my teeny tiny baby girl is now old enough for pre-school? This just does not seem like it could really be happening. She is nearly four-- it's been nearly four years since we received her referral-- the time has gone by in a flash. (Below, a picture from the day I met my daughter 3.5 years ago.)

My girl is so, so excited about going to school. It is going to be so good for her, too. She is going to a school that follows a Reggio philosophy, and A and I couldn't be happier with the choice for her. She is going to be learning in an amazing environment along with her BFF N. One of her teachers has Ethiopian friends and I can tell she loves R already. In fact, she's known R since she was tiny because she used to accompany my friend M to drop off her daughter T for school when she was going there.

Bottom line, tomorrow is a day that marks a change in our lives. R enters the world of school where she will be for the next 2 decades or so. Oh, honey-baby, you are growing up so very fast. I love you so much, my big, going-to- school girl.

My Favorite

Any teacher who tells you that he or she has no favorites is probably not telling the truth. Every year, I have favorites and then I have all time favorites. Kids I never will forget. Ever.

Yesterday, walking down the hall with a smile on her face and a baby carrier in her arms came my favorite. My all time favorite. Miss B. She was an 8th grader in my class my first year in my district. She's now 21. Whoa. An adult. A mommy. A wife. Whoa.

It's funny because kids freeze in my mind at whatever age they were when they were in my class. I can still picture B as she was 8 years ago as a sweet 13 year old girl.

I hadn't seen B in at least a year and a half. Ironically, I'd just found her email address on Wed afternoon and was thinking of her on Thursday all day long. I kept thinking I just needed to email her.

B wasn't my best student (by far!), but she is the one who is my all time favorite. If we'd been the same age, I'm sure we would have been good friends in school.

I was so glad to see her and to meet her daughter, M. B had a huge cancerous tumor about 4 or 5 ago in her uterus, and it is sort of amazing that she was able to have a baby. I remember listening to a voice mail from her mother, fear in her voice, as she explained that B was at the hospital and was having emergency surgery.

But since that time, we've brought R and E home, and life gets busy. I hadn't emailed her in a while, and I didn't know that she was pregnant. Her baby is precious and sweet.

Just like her mom.

How about some pictures?

Gasp! I know!! Pictures on this blog-- what?!? Yeah, well, I haven't uploaded a one since May so that's why there have been none all summer long. However, I did have the girls' pictures taken a few weeks ago... Enjoy!

Ethiopian girls don't have tea parties... They have coffee ceremonies!

My beautiful babies. I love them so much.

I love this one!!

This one is my favorite of the shoot-- and probably my favorite picture of my girls together ever taken. It makes me tear up when I look at it. I can tell in this picture that they love each other. This wasn't always the case for these two babies. They have come a long way since E came home 20 months ago.

I'll try to upload some more to my computer sometime soon. It is just time consuming, and honestly, it's a low priority right now!

Balancing

I feel like this school year is going to be a balancing act. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to do it. Struggling.

I'm doing this internship for my admin license on top of everything else... It basically comes to 7.5 hours a week that I have to be doing extra duties, attending meetings, and doing other principal-ly things, whatever that means.

When I was at the orientation meeting last week, I just kept thinking, "But I don't even want to be a principal!!"

I fear I've made a mistake. You see, my passion is curriculum, not administration. My father was offered his first admin job the same day I was born, so he was a principal and then a superintendent all my life until he retired a few years ago. It is hard to be a superintendent's kid, and I am guessing it is hard to be an admin when you have children.

I decided to do this program for a few reasons:
1. Lower cost than other programs I was looking into. This is a huge factor.

2. People told me that if I get this license, I'll be able to do any of the jobs at CO and will have more flexibility than if I just did the straight curriculum and instruction license.

3. I honestly had no idea what I was truly getting into.

I kinda sorta had a little meltdown earlier this week. It was just so overwhelming to try to imagine adding the requirements for this internship to my already-full plate. But, yet, here it is. And I'm just going to muddle my way through it. How, I don't know... but I do know that I don't want to just be starting this a year from now (like if I just would have finished my classes this year and did the internship next year when I finished all the other coursework). I want to be pretty much finished.

One huge weight off my chest is that I figured out what I'm going to do for my massive internship project. It is going to involve the transition to the national Common Core standards so:
1. It is something I would want to be involved with anyway and

2. It is more curriculum-y than principal-y

For now, I would just like to be able to get through the next few weeks without having a panic attack!!

Hey, I think I read her blog...

So, A and I took the girls to this little farm/mini zoo thing (where a giraffe totally attacked me, btw, but that's a story for another day when I download the pictures) just outside of A's hometown today.

We had just come in and were visiting with some bunnies when a woman comes toward me and asks if we're an adoptive family. I smile and say that yes, we certainly are...

To which, she replies, "I thought so! I think I read your blog!"

Ok, that's so crazy as R would say! I've never actually had someone (well, except at the Created for Care retreat last winter) stop me and tell me that. Definitely not when we're just out like normal.

Turns out, she and her family are in the process of adopting a little girl from ET and are waiting for their embassy appointment! Cool!

She said that she thought we lived in *another state* and seemed surprised to find we lived not far from where she did at all.

Just funny to me what a small world it really is!

Thoughts at Two Weeks In

Just finished my second week of school. It was a lot easier than last week on us all. I'm starting to get to know the personalities of my students-- their strengths and weaknesses, too. Interesting to me that this year my one non-inclusion class is the one that has the greatest needs ability-wise. Mostly, they are sweet kids, and I think it will be a good year. In that regard, I can't complain.

As far as the teaching team goes, it's not as bad as I thought it'd be. I'm still not used to the quiet that comes along with it because everyone is so independent and still unsure of one another. I'm used to bouncing into my friend H's room across the hall a couple times a day, not barely talking to some of the teachers... It's just different.

Transitioning from coaching to teaching is exhausting and draining like I've mentioned before. It was easier this week than it was last week, so my hope is that I get more used it, it will continue to get easier. I'm starting a (short) novel in a couple weeks (Seedfolks), do my Poe unit in Oct., and start A Long Walk to Water after that... I've never taught either book so this is going to involve creating entirely new units. This is sort of intimidating, but I'm also enjoying planning for something new and working the Common Core standards into my curriculum so I'm ready when my state transitions to it in a couple years. I know that seems like it is far off, but because I'm already doing new things, I figure I might as well start now. Oh, yeah, I should also probably include some writing into my curriculum as well...

My research grad class is finished as of today. I have the weekend free of classes, and then the fall semester starts Monday. I'm taking one class and beginning my internship. I do not know how I am going to be able to find the time to complete the required hours for the internship and am trying not to have a panic attack about it. But, my option was to do it now or wait an entire year. I don't know what the next year has in store for my family, so I thought it best to go for it now instead of delaying it a year and having another entire year of grad school to go. It will be hard, but I've delayed this degree and license long enough, and I think the time is now for me to get it finished.

Gets Under my Skin

I was at the local grocery store this evening. I needed some hand soap for R, and as I walked to where it was, I passed the AA hair care section. Honestly, I'd never thought to look at what the grocery store had on its shelves in the way of AA hair care. The local megastore and Target are nearby. I've looked at the AA stuff at both multiple times, and they actually have less than the grocery store does!

But that's not really my point.

As I was looking at what was on the shelves, two store employees walked by me.

One glanced at one of the products' names and made some cruddy comment to his co-worker about it. They both laughed as they continued on their way by.

Now, these boys were high schoolers, I'm guessing. Kind of dorky looking, really. I know they didn't mean anything by it, but it bugged me. A lot.

Sigh. I guess it isn't that big of a deal, but it just bothered me.

Convo with R

Today I had the girls' pictures taken in 2 of their Ethiopian dresses. I try to do a late summer picture in them yearly. I like to send them to their birthfamilies in their yearly reports required by the ET government as well as in the bi-annual photobooks I send them. I just want the girls' 'Opia families to know that we will never forget their roots.

R today was of course talking about her 'Opia mom on the way home from the pictures. We did a few with a jebanna (ET coffee pot) and coffee cups-- the ET version of a tea party I guess-- a pretend ET Coffee Ceremony with R and E. She was talking about how she thought her birthmom would like the pictures.

Then she said, "Mommy, when I am a 4 girl (meaning, when she's 4), can we go Opia and visit my Opia mom?"

I had to tell her no. I told her that it costs a lot of money to go to Ethiopia and that we couldn't go next year.

In truth, I want to take the girls to ET someday for a visit, but it needs to be when they're older. And, in truth, today's been a really hard day with R-- acting out, tantrums, defiance. She's asleep now, and as I have time to think about our day today, I can't help but wonder if my sweet girl is missing her Opia mom today.

It is so hard to tell sometimes if her behaviors are just typical toddler/that's her personality behaviors or if they are adoption-related.

First Day of School

If you're friends with me on FB, you'll see that I posted that my first day went well. And for the most part, it did on the surface. My classes aren't too bad. I think the kids will be ok except for one little group of chatty girls who need to move seats and a grumpy boy I'll have to win over. All in all, writing abilities are better than what I've had in the past, and the kids all seem pretty sweet. A few of them even grinned at my jokes (I'm pretty mean on the first day, so I guess no one would dare laugh).

I'm structuring my lessons totally differently than I have in the past, so the amount of work is overwhelming right now. STRESSFUL. I don't know how I'm going to balance it all-- work, home life, grad school... Tonight I worked on tomorrow's lesson until I realized I'd been spacing out for at least 5 minutes so I decided to call it a night. The reason for the structure change is that since I left the classroom 2 years ago, my perspective has changed, expectations have changed, and the reliance on data to make decisions has become even more intense. I don't think I was too crappy of a teacher before, but I do think that being a curriculum coach for 2 years has definitely allowed me to grow professionally.

I get along with everyone on my team, but we're definitely lacking the camaraderie that I'm used to in a team. I call our end of the hallway upstairs "The Tomb" because the lights aren't turned on in the hall until right before the students come in (saving electricity, of course!), and no one talks to one another... Dark and quiet... Sigh. I hope it gets better because today was hard in that regard.

The first few weeks back are hard. I'm sure things will get better once I get into a routine again, stop missing my babies so much during the day, and feel like I can get a grip on my lesson planning.

Oh, did I mention I had a bloody nose right before homeroom while doing hall duty? AND, I have a huge blister on my right heel from those stupid shoes I wore today? Yep, I'm super cool. I know you all wish you had me for 8th grade language arts.