Mom of the Year, I am Not

Last week was a rough week.

Although I know that E is not ready for me to return to work (and anyone who's been around her will tell you the same), I'm starting to get antsy.

Love the girls, of course. Am appreciative that I am able to have this time off to be with both of them.

But soooo tired of it. Last week I felt totally caged up. It is cold and snowy here, and I didn't leave the house except to go to 2 doctors' appointments. I need to get my haircut, and I'm finding yoga pants and hoodies are much more comfortable to wear while stuck in the house all day than are my typical wardrobe. The old, pre-children me would never have been caught dead in yoga pants and hoodies on a daily basis.

I needed to get out of the house. However, my friends all have kids and responsibilities, too. Not like I can just randomly call them up and say, "Come meet me for dinner. Tonight. Or I might go nuts."

A was also gone overnight on Thursday and left early in the day. I was stressed about that all week for a variety of reasons.

The girls have been very fussy and clingy, too. Several times this week, they have both just sat on my lap screaming.

At one point, I, too, had had enough. A was home, and I just went upstairs and cried. I heard a little noise, and I looked up to see my precious R's little head sticking up over the bed. Her eyes were so sad and her bottom lip was quivering. "Mommy... hap-py," she said to me.

Just about broke my heart right in half. My poor baby. As if I didn't feel guilty enough already.

It's been about 8 weeks since E came home... In the past couple weeks, we've celebrated R Day and E's birthday, as well as had our first post-placement visit with our social worker. Any one of these events on its own might cause me some sadness. Why? Well, I obviously didn't birth my girls... 2 other women did. And "gotcha" days and birthdays are happy occasions. Or they're supposed to be anyway.

But I also think about my girls' birthmothers. And then I find myself feeling like I can't be a good enough mom to them... And then I feel the guilt of of not being good enough to raise these girls, these girls who were given to me by women who love in a way I am in awe of and cannot really ever understand. What do these women think of me? How in the world do I deserve to be the mother of their children?

So, I'm trying. Yes, oh lord, I am trying.

Stats

At the time of referral (Oct. 19, 2009), E weighed 12.5 pounds.

At the time of court passage and travel update (Dec. 7, 2009), 17.5.

At her first doctor's appointment at home (Jan. 4, 2010), 18.something.

At her one year check up today, 23 pounds, 13 ounces.

She is now in the 80th percentile for weight but only the 20th for height...

Being "Adoption" PC

(Ok, to my chagrin, I recently joined facebook. It's fine, not as annoying as I thought it would be, and it is nice to keep in touch with friends out of town as well as get to know some other adoptive parents better. I also like being able to check in on our ET travel buddies.)

Today, I was reading a comment my cousin made on her sister's "wall" or whatever. My cousin, H, is young (19) and sort of silly, but her comment bothered me then and still does hours after reading it.

She was jokingly telling her older sister that she was adopted and that their parents were not her sister's "real" parents. That her sister came from an orphanage and that her "real" parents were drug dealers with Russian-sounding names.

I know she didn't mean anything by it, and she certainly wasn't thinking about my babies or about me when she wrote it... However, it just hurts. I know she was joking. I know she didn't mean anything by it and that she loves my girls. I just don't like family thinking of adoption in a negative way, like if her older sister HAD been adopted that she would be less of a family member or something. If she jokes about it, does that in some way mean that deep down she has that opinion about children who are adopted?

I want to post something on my facebook wall, an underhanded comment about how I am my girls' "real" mom and that her comment wasn't appreciated. But I dearly love my (little) cousin, and I don't want to cause any problems in the family.

So, instead, I'll post it on my blog, something the majority of my family doesn't even know exists.

How do the rest of you deal with negative adoption-related comments your family and friends make? I've been able to deal with strangers' comments without taking them to heart, but this one stings.

More Braids...

Is looking at pictures of R's hair boring? IDK. For this style, I parted the hair straight down the middle and did four braids on each side. 4 on top of her head, 4 in the back. It took me 2 days to complete this style because R and E both were fussy the first day (Monday). So, I just did 2 braids in the back, like pigtails, on Monday and finished the style on Tuesday. I also realized that the part in the back was REALLY lopsided so I wouldn't have taken her out of the house until I fixed it anyway. She likes it again. We both like not having to comb out her hair daily. I, of course, continue to condition it daily to keep it healthy. I'm still working on (and struggling with) keeping the part neat and straight! The top picture is from this morning; the others are from yesterday. What is up with the glasses? She is wearing them so she can "match" Mom and Dad. I think it is time for me to go back to my contacts!

Birthday Party Pictures

No explaining needed...
Except, my sweet E, I am so glad I am your mother.
I am so glad you were home in time to celebrate your first birthday with our family and friends.
And, you're, like, the most awesome baby ever.

Happy Birthday, E-Poodle!

(Note: Now with pictures!)

(This picture is from R Day yesterday... Nothing to do with this post, but I LOVE it!)

Today, my baby is one already!

We woke up early today, as we had to meet my dad and mom at Panera (no rude comments today, yay!) so that my parents could take R for the day. (My dad's been wanting to take her sledding.) I bought a "Birthday Girl" shirt for her so everyone would know that today is indeed a very special day. E and I shared an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich while Mom and I talked about the rest of the plans for tomorrow's Pink Poodle Birthday Party.

After we got home, we played with all the toys without R trying to snatch them. We read some of our favorite books, too.

Then, we practiced "Big Girl Standing," and E stood for 5 seconds on her own. (Yesterday, she stood for 3.) Then, the birthday girl posed for a few cell phone pictures to send to brag about turning one and standing all on the same day.

After that, the birthday girl decided it was time to do some hard-core crawling around to work up an appetite for lunch.

For lunch, Miss E requested baby "hot dogs" (those gross baby meat sticks that smell like cat food to me-- ewww), mandarin oranges, and a cheerio or two. We had a long, leisurely, quiet lunch and did some chair dancing. We also practiced blowing kisses and waving!

After that, it was time for a nap so we had a bottle (milky bot, as R calls them!) and fell asleep.

We woke up from our nap, and Mommy realized that E must have had 3 teeth break through her gums while she was asleep. (At least they were not there yesterday!) We had some more bottle after a diaper change and went downstairs to play.Soon, the mail arrived, and E-Poodle helped Mommy open the mail. One would think that on one's birthday, the box that arrived in the mail would be for her, but no, it is a new pair of shoes for "sister."

While waiting for Daddy to get home from work, we practiced "Big Girl Standing" and stood for a full 7 seconds on her own. As this is a lot of work, we then decided to finish our after-nap bottle!

Daddy soon came home, and the Princess was very happy to see "Daaa!" Daddy finished some things for work (he works from home some days).

We had dinner (Mexican-- E loves beans and rice) and then went out for ice cream, although the Birthday Girl didn't get any. No sweets for her until she has her cake tomorrow!

Soon we tried to wind down for bed, which took over an hour tonight. We cuddled with Daddy and Mommy both!

What a great birthday!

Tomorrow? Birthday party!

IT'S R DAY!!!!!!!! And our first post-placement SW visit for E

Wow, two years ago, this very day, we met R for the first time. I've posted the story on here, well, I know of at least 2 times, but what the heck? I'm going to tell it again.

A and I woke early after both sleeping like rocks. We had to be downstairs by 8 or so in order to have breakfast, fill out paperwork, and then GO MEET R before our scheduled embassy appointment at 1pm.

I remember picking an aqua shirt to wear because I thought it would look the best against R's skin and with my eyes (vain, right? But we were going to be taking a lot of pictures.)

We went to the hotel lobby for breakfast. The other 2 families as well as our awesome case manager, J, were already eating. I got some sort of breakfast food, and I mostly just picked at it. Finally, A (transitional home director) walked up the marble steps and into the lobby.

It was so lovely to finally meet her, yes, of course, but I was DYING to get to my child. So nervous, too. My mind was going a thousand different directions. I tried as best as I could to fill out the paperwork correctly and listen to what A was telling us. As it was Presidents' Day, the embassy ended up being closed so we would shop later in the day and have our embassy appointment on Tuesday.

FINALLY, it was time to go meet R. A and I grabbed each other's hands and followed A to our destiny along with the other 2 families.

I think my heart skipped a beat when we turned a corner and saw the famous red gates. A knocked on the door, and suddenly, there we were... The place I'd longed to be for the past 8 months, our agency's home.

Across the court yard, babies sat in the sun, some in bouncy seats, some on blankets, some getting their massages. All of them basking in the warm Ethiopian sun. Perfect.

I gasped as I realized that I recognized one curly little head and 10 tiny toes apart from the others. There she was, my precious, beautiful R. She was facing away from us, and I remember whispering to A, "There she is..." Suddenly, someone picked her up (maybe A or J?) and handed her to me.

The moment of truth. I kissed her little forehead and just held her close. My greatest emotion: relief. She was finally in my arms, and the ache of my heart was lifted. I pulled her back so I could look at her beautiful face, and she was smiling at me. She knew I was her mom!!

All the fear of her rejecting me, rejecting us, vanished. (She did attach to us very quickly, unlike her baby sister!)R wasn't so sure about Daddy at first, but after about 10 minutes, both of them had gotten used to each other! (I think it looks like they have the same facial expression in this picture below.)Below, our first family photo, taken about five minutes after becoming a family. After a long day of meeting each other and shopping (yes, R was with us for that), we were all tired and ready to go to bed! Some people wonder if they would be able to love an adopted child as much as one they give birth to. I have never given birth to a child (don't plan to either-- just not the way for us to build our family), so I can't say. What I do know is that I love my girls so much it makes my heart almost burst sometimes. If that isn't enough love, I will never know what is.

And, today, we get to celebrate family. Celebrate our R. Celebrate the end of the journey to becoming a parent and the beginning of a journey as one. Two years after meeting R for the first time, I am in awe that I am her mother.

She is beautiful.

She is stubborn.

She is funny.

She is smart.

She is loving.

She is amazing.

And, she is my daughter, always and forever.

My sweet R, I love you so much. I am so thankful that I get to be your mother.

_______________________________________________________________

We also had our 3 month post-placement visit with our social worker today. It went great! Our social worker has been with us since our first post-placement with R, and it is always nice to see her. R loves her, too. E did well and was her usual sweet and amazing little self. I love my girls so much!

Tomorrow? E's birthday!! A big week in our house. :)

Baby Got Braids! And Arriving in Addis 2 Years Ago...

I tried to do some braids in R's hair today. It has been a long time since I've tried to style it-- like months-- and I've never been very good at making the parts straight and clean. But R has been talking about braids since we had our ET fund raiser dinner a few weeks ago and was around ET woman again... She remembered that she had her hair done by one of them at culture camp in Sept. So, I thought it was worth a try. I wasn't planning to do the whole head, but she wanted me to, so I did. I did the part on the side on the top of head not planning to do the rest so I wasn't really sure what to do with the back because I didn't want it to look like the braids on her whole head were off center... So here is how it turned out! What do you think?

Also, two years go, A and I arrived in Addis, along with the other 2 families in our travel group. It was amazing to finally be in Ethiopia, but it was overwhelming. We were tired, and the process to get our visas and to go through customs and immigration were confusing. Finally, we managed to get out of the airport, and there were J and D, holding signs that said "{Our family Name}." It was unreal.

We drove through Addis on a Sunday night, late. There were tons of people on the streets, and one person in our group asked why. I knew already-- they were homeless. At each stop of the van, children and adults swarmed our van. White people driving through the city caught every one's attention. (The begging was MUCH less our 2nd time in ET.) We got a copy of the schedule for the week and found out that we would have the chance to meet R's birthmom on Wed. We were so happy to get this news!!

We got to the hotel, checked in, and collapsed into bed. A few blocks away, our sweet R spent her last night at HH, not knowing her parents would meet her in the morning...

Above: A picture of R on our first night as a family. This one always cracks me up!

Two Years Ago Today...

(Above: The first picture I ever saw of my child on the day of our referral, Dec. 7, 2007.

Below: One of the pictures we received on Jan. 28, 2008 after we learned we'd passed court and were heading to Ethiopia to bring our daughter home!)A and I were on a plane to Ethiopia for the first time to meet our precious R...

I cannot believe it has already been two years since that plane trip.

I remember how excited and nervous we were. I remember just wanting to get there already and getting to our girl.

My tiny little girl. She was only 3 months old when we met. And my heart had ached for her for the 2 months we waited between referral and travel.

I think about that flight, that trip a lot. We were flying toward our family. The end of a long wait to become a mom and the beginning of life as one.

R had my heart from the first moment I saw a picture of her. A and I were in love with her from the first glimpse at our then-three-week-old baby. But there were so many unknowns.

We'd read all the books and learned all about attachment and bonding. One line from a book we read sticks with me even today... "Adopted children will often VIOLENTLY reject one parent. In most cases, it is the mother." I was so scared that our tiny baby would reject me. Could my new momma's heart take it?

Surely her rejecting me couldn't be more painful than the wait to finally hold her was.

And, what did we know about being parents?

CBS's story about CWA in Ethiopia

What are your thoughts?

I was pretty appalled by the one-sidedness of their reporting. I think if the story is true then CWA should never be allowed to operate in any country again.

I think CBS was unfair in a lot of what they reported, and I did not like how they made it seem like most ET adoptions were unethical.

Clearly, if there is wrong-doing by an adoption agency, then it should be invesigated so that it does not happen to any other families. I would never want to have any part in an illegal adoption.

I would really like to know what the rest of you think.

Here's the link to the CBS Evening News homepage if you have not read it or seen it...

Happy Valetine's Day!...

...from my Ethiopian Princesses!

I tried to get a good picture of both of them today, but it didn't work out. E would not cooperate at all, so this picture will have to do.

R was more willing to pose for a picture, so here you go! (The shirt is one I got on clearance last year from TCP. Had I, in my wildest dreams, imagined that E would be home, I would have bought one for her, too!)

Nuff Said

Two Reasons to be Thankful

1. H is out of the hospital and is doing much better. Still recovering and still needs to have more tests run but home. (Actually has to go back to work today and hasP-T conferences tonight. I don't know how she does it. She is pretty much the toughest person I know.)

2. Just got a call from the HR person at work. I am going to be able to continue to use sick leave (and get paid) instead of having to take unpaid family leave for the additional time I am taking off with E.

Are you their LEGAL guardian?

Yep, sure am. I'm their MOTHER.

Update on H

Just talked to H's husband, M. He said today was "a wash" at the hospital. They are keeping her another night because her calcium and potassium levels are low, and they're worried about her having a heart arrhythmia. They are unsure if her condition is due to clots or something else, as all their testing has come back negative at this point. Her stomach is still swollen, and she still feels pretty bad. The zofran is helping with some of the nausea and vomiting.

For those of you fairly new to my blog, my friend H almost died about 2 1/2 years ago from a massive blood clot extending from her abdomen to her ankle. (The vein was completely blocked.) She has had problems since then, has a filter in her chest, and is on blood thinners. She has some other as yet undiagnosed medical issues-- possibly RA or something else.

Her being in the hospital is freaking the crap out of me as we almost lost her the last time she was there. I'm going to go see her tomorrow. I couldn't today as I had the girls, and A got home late from work.

Please Pray

My friend H, who has blood clots in her leg and abdomen, is at the ER awaiting a CT scan. They've given her zofran and morphine for pain. Would you please pray for her, her husband, and her 2 little girls?

I do not have a lot of details, but it appears the clots are coming back at an alarming rate.

In Case You're Wondering...

... oh random woman at Panera. Yes, they're both adopted. No, just because they're black ("especially the little one" as you put it) does not mean they're from Haiti. And, yes, I can hear your conversation.

A Few Things

(This picture has nothing to do with anything, just know my posts are more interesting with a picture of the girls. Well, in this one, you get, me, too. A little dorky, but look at how cute the girls look in matching pjs. Umm, I LOVE having two little girls!)

1. Would you keep my sister-in-law and, more importantly, my niece in your prayers if you do that sort of thing? Not something I feel at liberty to go into on my blog right now, but things are not great. I am worried about my niece and the decisions my sister-in-law is currently making.

2. My mother-in-law told me yesterday that after the attempted terrorist attack on Christmas Day and the ET Air flight crashing, we are not allowed to adopt any more. She told me that two kids are enough and that we're done. I just smiled and said, "Well, what if the girls need a little brother... or two?" E's adoption is not our last one; we're already talking about when, how, who, etc. It'll be a while, but it'll happen.

3. Seriously? New Kids on the Block on a come back tour? What the heck? You know you want to sing along with me... "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.... hangin' tough. Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance. Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance..." I'm embarrassed to admit my memory of the song doesn't stop there. Who was your fav? Umm, mine? Joey, of course!

4. R has been a handful the past few days. When she does something she shouldn't (like kick baby sister in the face), I ask her why she did it. She always says, "Beee-duu," which means "Because." She doesn't actually understand how to use the word, but it is really cute. Sometimes she's say "Bee-duu Mama!" meaning that she's doing it to get my attention.

5. Ethiopian fundraiser dinner for the culture camp I am on the planning committee for is this weekend. It's supposed to snow, but I'm hoping we'll still have a good turnout. We are maxed out at about 130 people attending... I'm looking forward to it, but like all big events, I'll be glad when it is done. It is always so nice to be around families who look like mine. And it goes without saying that I'm happy about having an ET meal. Especially since the ET place closest to my house has been closed for over a month. I think it is open again now, but it is still about an hour away.

6. I'm supposed to go back to work on Feb. 17. E is not ready, and quite frankly, neither am I. Will you please pray that my work doesn't give me a hassle about extending my leave and that I'll be able to continue to use paid sick leave for the additional 2 weeks I am requesting?

Ok, that's it for tonight.

Ethiopia Trip: Day 5: Shopping Day

Tuesday, December 29, 2009, 9:00pm


As I write this, A and T are both fast asleep. She went down pretty well, and A's feeling a little off so I'm glad. And, it is peaceful...

Today was shopping, which was pretty successful. We bought a lot in the shops as well as a painting for E's room and a smaller one for another place in the house. We bought lots of dresses and a rainbow of scarves, which was our main goal.

I think my favorite purchase this time is a small scroll with a nativity scene painted on it. I love it. It is different from anything else we bought, and I really wanted an Ethiopian nativity. This is a good second choice, and I'll get the nativity back home because I found a site that sells them.

(E and A at HH, ready for the shopping day for us and the visiting of her special mothers and friends for E. Don't you love her outfit? R had one similar that we brought to ET with us, too. It was my favorite outfit she had when she wore that size-- 3 to 6 months!)

T did not do well with being at HH and then back to us. She started crying as soon as I entered the room (hey, at least she recognized me, right?) to get her. She cried a ton when she and I went back to the hotel room. A was not with us because he and some of the other guys were helping the HH staff move the huge washer from the old HH to the new one.

The crying was awful, my poor baby girl. She did fall asleep, but she was sobbing while she slept. She was very emotional even when A got back from helping.

We were able to see some of the pictures of T and her birthmother today. Talk about emotional. A and I were both in tears. There were about 46 photos-- an amazing blessing.

Good night.

One Month Since our First Family Day

Jan. 1, 2010.
A new year.
A day for new beginnings.

What better way to begin the year than bringing home our second daughter and being united as a family of four? I love that our Family Day is the first day of the new year...

In the month that she's been home, E has blossomed. She's amazing in so many ways. She is sweet, calm, funny, good-natured, all around cute, cuddly, healthy... The most important adjectives I'll use tonight is: secure and comfortable.

She knows who her mom and dad are. She loves her big sister (who kicked her in the face today-- very special). She's doing remarkably well considering how old she was when she came home and how hard things were at first for us, well, for me, mostly. She would have little to do with me our first week together in Ethiopia, and I don't blame her.

My sweet little girl... I can only imagine how scared she was. I know with R, I can look back at pictures from our first days and weeks together and see the fear in her eyes. I am not yet at that place with E entirely, but I know it will come in time.

And, she's healthy now. I am pretty sure she's giardia-free, and she's growing and gaining weight like crazy. It is definitely time to say good bye to all the 6-9 month clothing and bust out the 12 months stuff. We will never know how long she had giardia (although there was no mention of it in our referral paperwork), and I do know that it can cause delays in growth and development. I know that being healthy has made such a huge difference in my little one.

This post is scattered, as is my brain tonight. I have lots going on, lots to think about, and lots to do in this new year. And on top of all that, I'm supposed to return to work 2 weeks from tomorrow. Ha. Riiiight. (E is so not ready for that, and I'm not either.)

2010 has already been a year of change for us, and it is only the second month. I'm excited to see what this next month brings.