Girl, Adopted, 10 Years Married, and R in Kindergarten

As I have two daughters who are girls, adopted, I knew I needed to watch this film.  I was able to do it last night after the girls went to bed.  I think it is something anyone who plans to adopt should watch, and if you're an adoptive parent already and haven't watched it, you need to.

I thought it was a very "real" look at what adoption is from an adoptee's point of view as well as from a parent's point of view.  No one was a victim in the film, but no one was a hero either.  And of course, as the adoptee is an Ethiopian girl, I could see my children in her and her experiences both in Ethiopia and in the United States.  So, anyway, if you haven't watched it yet, what are you waiting for? My hope is that my family will take the time to watch it.  Although everyone in my family has always been supportive of our adoptions and all love my girls, I feel that the one thing they don't know enough about is how profoundly adoption affects the adoptee.  This film shows the effects in a respectful, personal, and real way.

Switching gears, yesterday was A and my 10 year anniversary.  As I think I've said before, I know when I was newly married 10 years ago, I never would have guessed where our life would have taken us.  I mean, yes, I would have expected children.  I would never have predicted adopting twice.  I know the two people who said vows in front of our family and friends 10 years are very different from who we are now, but I love our family and our life, even if it isn't always easy.

And, lastly, on my quick update, my R is loving being a kindergarten girl.  She's learning, she's happy, she's loving it.  "Mom, I more than love kindergarten!" she told me when I picked her up on the first day.  Her teacher is amazing, loving, creative, and kind.  Her school has some diversity, and it is nurturing.  I had struggle immensely about sending her there for several reasons, but I do believe it was the right choice.

With that said, I'm finished for now.  Seems like blogging only takes place once every couple of months or so.  Who knows if anyone really even reads this anymore!

I am SO not ready for kindergarten...

But SHE is!  My R will be a kindergarten girl in a matter of a few short weeks.  The idea of it, it makes me nauseous.  I mean, COME ON!  How is my teeny tiny baby girl old enough for this?  Where did the past 5 years go?

I am so nervous.  And I don't want my little girl to grow up.  I know I can't stop it, obviously.  And I don't want to keep her in a bubble.  It's not that.  It's just that...  ugh.  She's lived in this safe place since coming home.  A and I have been able to protect her and her sister, and I never had to worry about her at school either because her preschool is an amazing place.  When A and I worked, she was with either a nurturing baby-sitter, my parents, or my BFF, always along with her little sister.  Once she starts kindergarten, there will be this huge part of her day in which I have no involvement, in which I can't protect her from the word and keep her safe and innocent.

The school she's going to be attending is wonderful.  I am confident that she'll get a great education in a nurturing environment...  But everything changes when she's a school aged girl.  There just isn't any going back.  (Have I ever mentioned I have a hard time with change?)

Thoughts on Being the White Mom of Black Girls

So, with my girls being at ages in which they notice and talk about skin color now, it becomes unavoidable to think about.  Let me be clear.  It is not that we don't talk about race, skin color, ethnicity, birth countries, etc., in our house.  We do and always have.  It is a natural part of our life to talk about our similarities and our differences and how there are many different types of ways to build a family and many different ways to become a family.

And yet...  Ugh.

I sometimes let the gnawing fear of the inevitable consume me.  I signed up to be the transracial family.  I knew that my kids would be black and I would remain white when we decided to adopt.  I didn't realize, however, until I experienced it, read about it, saw it with my own eyes what racism really looks like.

Nothing has happened recently to make me think about these things...  More like, sometimes I find myself worrying about when the day will come in which one or both of my children experience it and understand it for what it is for the first time.  I picture MY daughters whom I love so very much coming home crying because someone was mean to them at school or at a park or in a store simply because of the color of their skin.  I was up late into the night last night thinking about it and playing scenarios over and over in my head.

It makes me nauseous to know I'm powerless to stop it and that there is NOTHING I can do to prevent it.  It is part of growing up black in our country.  I wish sometimes I could keep them tiny forever.  R will be in kindergarten next month, and this is a huge fear I have as she leaves her loving preschool environment for the big kids' school.  And the year after, my precious E will join her.

I know I could be proactive about it and talk to the girls about what to do in those types of situations...  But I look them in their eyes and don't want to be the one to take away their beautiful innocence by talking to them about the ugliness of the world and the ugliness they will some day experience.  So, there is the line, and I don't know if I want to cross it.  Is it worse to have your mom tell you about this type of thing or to have it happen to you from a stranger, a friend, a kid in the neighborhood or at school?

I mean, the girls know that if someone is mean to you or hurts you that you can and should tell Mommy and Daddy or a teacher or other adult.  It is just that in my house, we don't see the differences in ourselves negatively, but we also do not ignore them.

I just hate so much that this even has to be an issue.  My girls are amazing for many reasons, one of which is because they are black.  But that is just one.  There is so much more to them, to all of us, than skin color.

Sassy Bird

So, E started off yesterday by declaring quite loudly, "Ugh, when am I going to get a NEW mom???"  She spent the day rolling her eyes at me and sighing dramatically whenever I spoke to her or asked her to do something, etc.  She repeatedly told me that she was going to move back to Ethiopia and live with Opia Mommy.  She cried for Daddy.  Did I mention the eye rolling and sighing?

In truth, this would be expected behavior/ reactions to mom if she were, say, 14.  But, I mean, come on, the kid is 4.  4!  By the time A got home, I'd had enough.  Dinner was in the oven, and I told him I needed to get out of the house and away from the kids for a little bit.  Thankfully, he was ok with this, so I spent an hour or so walking around Kohl's until the coast was clear, and those kids of mine were in bed.

Ok.  I KNOW she's 4.  But it still hurts, and it is frustrating beyond belief.  She's supposed to be my Sweet Beet, my E-Poodle, etc.  Not some teenager trapped in a 4-year-old's body. She used to be just the sweetest little thing, a precious baby who hugged and kissed me all the time...  Now she's just Little Miss Sass.

My BFF, M, asked me why I thought she was acting this way when I was whining about it last night to her as we chatted on FB.  In truth, I don't know.  M reminded me that at four, she's at a developmental stage that is very egocentric and that she really doesn't have the capability to to worry about the feelings of others.  (This has never been an issue with R.  She's always been extremely perceptive to how others are feeling.)

I love E so much.  And, I know she loves me in her own four-year-old way.  I just wish the sassiness would cease!

On Vacation and Back Again

We got to spend a glorious week Up North last week.  It started off with a stop to visit some Ethiopia travel friends at their home and a visit to the zoo near their home the following day.  It was so lovely to see them and their precious son B, who my E says she's going to marry some day.  Like R (our friend, not my daughter; sometimes not using names is confusing, right?) said, it was like family was coming to visit.  She's right, she, D, and B really do feel like our family.  There is something about experiencing meeting your children for the first time that bonds you...  Teary-eyed as I type, I'll just say that was such a lovely way to start off our vacation, and I wish we could have spent more time with them.  They are so very dear to our family.

After that visit, we traveled the rest of the way to our vacation spot in the Northwoods.  Lovely, peaceful, beautiful... and full of mosquitoes.  My parents and my brother J were already there.  My brother A, his wife L, and their huge sheepdog puppy would arrive about 5 days later.  I know going on big extended family vacations aren't for everyone, but I love them.  Despite that obviously no one in my family is perfect, I love being with them, going on vacation with them.  I love that my girls get to spend so much time with my family. I love that my E loves her Uncle J so much and gets up on his lap to cuddle with him (J's not exactly cuddly).  I love that my dad takes my girls and his dog for a "quick walk," and 45 minutes later, I look out the window and see them playing tennis or down at the lake.  I love taking the girls for boat rides and going to the local markets with my mom.

Admittedly, our trips Up North weren't always my favorite thing to do as a kid/teenager.  But I've grown to appreciate and love the place for what it is.  And, my grandmother's family is from there...  So I suppose it is in my blood.  And, even if it is not in my girls' blood to love it, it is in their hearts, and I hope that they always will love it, too.

Updating for No One but Myself

This past week was hard.  Without getting into details (because they aren't mine to share publicly here), just some prayers for a friend would be appreciated.  I wish I could say more-- mainly for myself to just type my thoughts in into words on "paper" so maybe that's really what I should do.  

Running.  Oh, I'm doing it.  The first week was awful.  This is for a variety of reasons, but I can feel myself getting stronger.  I'm pathetically slow, but I am making progress.  I carry my phone with me, which has a timer app and the I "heart" radio app, both of which help make it bearable.  It does help that I can actually see my progress with the running app-- it tracks my time, as well as GPS, pace, etc.  I can't say I love running or anything, but I do know I had to try something.  This option fits into my life a little bit better than others I'd considered.  In truth  I am MILES (get it?  Miles?  haha) away from running any long distance, but that's ok.  Like everything else, it takes time.  

I'm even going to get up early tomorrow so I can run before the rest of the world wakes up. 5am is going to come awfully early, but I find it humiliating to run in the evening-- after the girls are in bed-- because there are so many people out at that time of day.  My ex-Marine assistant principal even saw me out the other day.  Sooo embarrassing.  So very, very embarrassing.  But, I went out at 6:30 on Sat morning when A got up to get ready for work (it was his one Sat. a month to work yesterday), and I was a lot happier when it was over than I have been with going in the evenings.

I know this is interesting to no one but myself, but hey, it's my blog.  :)  

So, yeah, running...

Ok, so, umm, here's the deal. I feel super insecure about this, and I really don't know why I'm putting it out there for the world to see, but I guess maybe it'll keep me more accountable if I actually put it in writing.

I'm going to start running or whatever.  Laughing?  Yeah, me, too.  Like, I can't believe I'm actually going to attempt it.

My BFF was a runner in HS, and she started running again after not for a while about a year ago (I think).  Also, my R is FAST and LOVES running.  So I decided I needed to start.  Inspired by M, one, and want to keep up with my child, two.

I even bought running shoes today and downloaded an app to track progress on my phone.  I am going to try.  It might be a disaster, but it also might be really good.  I'm going to try.  After all, I can't just waste the money I spent on shoes, right??

We'll see how I do.  Hopefully this is the start of something good.

Today= A hard day

Both the girls were sick yesterday (throwing up, etc), and they were still "brittle" today.  Lots of crying, demanding behaviors, and general fussiness about everything.  It is days like this that I tell myself that yep, two is all I could ever handle... heck I'm barely handling two children...  I can't imagine being a stay-at-home mom; when is spring break over????  Etc.

But then, tonight, we had a sweet bedtime, and as I lay there with them, listening to them breathe fast asleep, I am reminded of how lucky and blessed I am to be their momma.  Yes, it is hard-- today was so awful-- but life without them is not a life I'd want.  Even after all the stress of today, I am so thankful that I can call them my daughters.

On another note, we have some other "stuff" going on this week.  Praying for a successful outcome.

Opals

The Christmas I was 6, I got an opal ring.  I know it was the last present I opened that Christmas morning... I remember finding the small box under the tree, and I said, "oh, this is small, so it probably isn't that important."  My mom said something like "sometimes good things come in small packages."

She was right.  I opened the box, and, to my surprise, there was a ring inside.  An opal and gold ring.  I instantly loved it.  It was absolutely perfect for me then, completely my taste then (and now, too...).

itThe ring had 6 opals with formed the shape of flowers.  I still have that ring in the jewelry box where I keep jewelry from the past.  Over the years, of course I've had to get it sized as I grew from a small child to a teenager and then an adult.  I put the ring on the other day, and I remembered what it was like to see it for the first time.

Why is this relevant?  Well, Ethiopia is known for its opals along with its coffee.  I don't know...  Of all the rings my mom could have possibly found for me for when I was a six-year-old, she picked one with stones that came from Ethiopia...  The country that years later would the birth place of my children.

I think it is amazing how in life everything fits into place and is connected in some way or another.

Going "Up North"

This summer, we're heading "Up North" to Wisconsin with my parents, their dog, my two brothers, and my sister-in-law.  Actually, my brother and his wife will be there mainly the second week of my parents' trip, so we'll probably only be with them a few days.

I'm looking forward to it.  We haven't been up since E came home, actually not since R was about 7 or 8 months old.  It's about time.

In truth, I used to hate spending a few weeks in the summer in Wisconsin.  I thought it was boring, I didn't like cabins, and I was always terrified that a bear would come out of the woods and eat me.  (Seriously, I'm terrified of bears.)

But, well, that's changed over the years.  Now, I love the peacefulness of it.  I love eating pasties for lunch at the quaint little diner in the tiny town where we've stayed the past few times.  I love the unique culture of the northern part of that northern state.  I love stopping on the way home at our favorite cheese place and bringing a bit of Wisconsin home with us.  While I'm still not a fan of antiquing, I do enjoy spending time driving from my mom's favorite shop to the next through the northern "highways" that are identified by letters instead of numbers.

I love, too, our pilgrimages back to my grandmother's family's property.  Sorry Wisconsin power (whatever it is called), we do sneak on the land when we go back there.  While the main house is pretty run down, the bunkhouse floor is rotting away, and all that is left of the cottage home is its stone chimney (fire years ago), I can still image what it must have been like to spend all summer up there when my mom and her siblings were little.

I will say that I did have one of my most awkward transracial adoption moments Up North.  A, R, my mom, and I were traveling up to the cabin.  My dad and my brother had to wait and come up a couple days later...  Anyway, we stopped at a Taco Bell about 2 hours south of our destination.  Like I said, R was about 7 or 8 months old, and she needed a break and a diaper change.  When we walked into the restaurant, everyone and I mean EVERYONE stopped and stared at the white couple and the grandmother with the tiny black baby.  It was soooo uncomfortable.  I mean, like, the conversations in the place stopped.  Even the workers were staring.  Awkward...

But, despite that, going Up North is something we're all looking forward to.  Just one more reason to look forward to summer!!

Long-Lost

One of the things I like about Facebook is that I can connect with other adoptive families as well as my extended family.  All my cousins on my mom's side of my family are on FB, and I love that I can see what's going on with them here and there via facebook.  Three cousins (well, make that four-- stay with a minute) on my Dad's side also are there.  Although we seldom see them, I like that I can connect with them, too.

So, in the spring of this year, I tried to track down one of my cousins on my Dad's side.  My uncle, his father, allowed my cousin's stepfather to adopt him when we were all young; I think I was 8 and M was around 11.  After that, he just disappeared from our lives until I was 17, and he came to our grandpa's funeral.  After that, he disappeared again.

Some time in the spring, I decided to see if I could find him out there in FB land.  Within like 2 seconds of typing his name into the search-- there he was.  My cousin.  15 years older looking, but it was definitely him. So I sent him a message, and he replied.  We're now "friends" on FB, and it's an amazing thing to be able to reconnect with him again.

When we were kids, M would come up from ** (where he lived as a child) and spend a lot of the summer with his dad/our grandparents/my family.  J (my brother), M, and I had so much fun together.  He was like an older brother to both of us more than he was a cousin.  We did family trips with him, and we spent almost every day in the summers with him, except when he had to spend days with his mom's side of his family.

And then, suddenly, he was gone.  I remember my mom telling us his last name had changed and that we probably wouldn't see him again for a long time.  I know I didn't understand it at the time, and my memories of what happened exactly are clouded by that childhood misunderstanding and confusion about losing my cousin with no warning or real reason why.  He just disappeared from our lives.  We didn't have contact again with him until, like I said, our grandpa died.

Recently, though, via FB, M and I have been able to reconnect.  After some bad years, I think he's finally happy now and in a good place in life.  I'm really glad about that.  He wants to meet his 3 siblings-- my uncle's other kids from his second marriage-- whom he's never met.  I don't know if that will happen, but for now, I'm thankful that we've been able to talk and get some of the hurts of the past out in the open.

Hopefully he's forgiven us all for abandoning him.

The School Shooting

Oh, my heart.  It breaks for those families who lost their children yesterday and for the families of the teachers and administrator who also lost their lives protecting their students.

I get CNN news updates on my phone and briefly saw the flash of it while I was in the library with my students yesterday.  Eventually, it was my planning, and I took my phone out to see a text from A about it.

I went online and saw what he was talking about.  I can't even imagine the horror of what I saw unfolding.

I try to picture what I would do if it were my school, my students.  Would I have the semblance of mind to react as those teachers did?  Would I be courageous enough to try stop the shooter like the principal and counselor did?  Or would I hide under my desk, cowering in fear?

I think about the parents of the children who were murdered.  They must have been preparing for the upcoming winter break, for Christmas, or maybe just simply for the weekend.  I think about those children who witnessed their classmates' deaths.  Those teachers who tried to protect those babies...  And I tear up, over and over.

I've seen a lot posted on FB about gun control, about home schooling, about this, and about that...  I don't know who is right and who is wrong.  I can only see it from my perspective, as a mom of two little girls who some day soon (sooner than I'd wish) will be public school students and as a public school teacher who does what she can each day for her students.  If it were me, I don't know how I would move on.

Five Years

Five years ago today, we "the call" for a tiny and precious 3 week old baby girl with big, beautiful, curious brown eyes.  Oh, what a sweet baby she was.  All 17 pictures of her.  This child was the one my heart had longed for-- my R!  I couldn't believe I was FINALLY a mom...  and A was finally a dad.

It is an amazing thing, seeing your child's face for the first time.  While our journey to parenthood was not conventional, I am so thankful it has played out the way it did.  Even five years late, I am in awe of her, my daughter, and in awe of the fact that somehow I get to be her mom.  I doubt that feeling will ever go away.  R is an amazing child.

It is hard to imagine, now, life without her, life before her.  I know that before her, I was sad sometimes.  I was jealous of others sometimes.  I was frustrated with my lot in life sometimes.  Seeing her face on that chilly December Friday afternoon made it better.

When we got our referral for R, I remember shaking and crying-- A LOT.  I couldn't believe it was actually happening.  I knew right away she was mine; I loved her whole-heartedly instantly.

Oh, R, how I love you.  I can't believe it has been 5 years.  You are amazing.  You are beautiful.  You are strong.  You are loved.  You are funny.  You are sassy.  You are creative.  You are intelligent.  You are my daughter.   I love you.  So, so much.

Counting My Blessings

Today, as I was heading to get gas after work, I got in a car accident.  A car went left of center, was t-boned by an SUV, and slammed into the driver's side front wheel/headlight/tire before spinning again into the center lane.  I wasn't going very fast at the time of the impact because I had several seconds of knowing the car would hit mine before it actually did.

The woman driving the car that hit me...  She died.  I didn't need the news outlets' online articles to tell me that.  I looked back and saw it myself.  She was in her 20s and had two small children, who, thankfully, were not in the car at the time.

It was a bad accident for the car and the SUV that hit it.  I walked away.  I am a bit achy, and I'm pretty certain that my car is totaled, but I'm ok.  I'm alive.  The car can be replaced.  Thank God for that.

Do you know today is R's birthday?  Can you imagine what it would have been like for her to have had something horrible happen to me on her birthday?  I'm thankful we did the celebrating with my family yesterday.

Dear God, thank you for sparing me and keeping me safe today.
Dear God, thank you for R, her Ethiopian mom, and for making me her mother.

Away for a Few Days

I went to visit my friend P for a few days this week.  We haven't seen each other in 2 years, and that visit was very short.  She lives about 5.5 hours away from me, and we used to work together.  She had to move (well, twice since leaving here) because of her husband's job.

It is so nice to just be able to slide back into a grove with her.  I used to talk to her on the phone almost daily  and visited her multiple times throughout a year.  This was before the kids, and obviously I don't always have the time or money to travel all the time.  I feel guilty about sort of letting that friendship fall apart, but I just couldn't help it.

We used to shop a lot when she lived her, and we had a fun shopping day on Wed.  Her daughter came along with us, and that was fun, too.  Her daughter is going to be a high schooler soon, and I can't believe she's old enough to be in HS now.

The bottom line is that I have missed P so much recently, and it was wonderful to have a few days break from my current reality.  The girls stayed with my parents because of A's work schedule.  They got to fish, play, and go to the zoo.  I love my girls, but I did need a break.  Does that seem selfish?  Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.  I just needed some time off from them.

Adjusting

One of the first things the director of our agency's transitional home told us about R is that, even at 3 months old, she liked routine.  Oh, how true this simple statement has become!  My R is someone who thrives on structure and routine.

With that said, our summer has been anything but routine.  A was off for a week before starting a new job, and then when he did start, he was on a basic 8 to 5 shift.

Last week, he started his "normal" shift of 11:30 to 8:30pm.  This has been hard on both girls.  E usually stays up until he gets home, and she whimpers about missing daddy for 30 to 45 minutes before he does come home.  R has had a horrible time adjusting to his being gone at night.  Dinnertime and bedtime are really hard for me.  Yes, A is home in the mornings, but mornings have always been "easier" than evenings for my girls.

In short, I do NOT want to complain about my husband's job.  In the long run, this job is going to be a good thing for our family, and I am so thankful that he is employed.  However, this adjustment to the new routine of our life is difficult on all of us right now.

I know that eventually, this new life will become routine.  It is just hard to parent my kids solo, and my sweet girls miss their daddy.  I am fearful of when I return to work because it will be hard to balance school responsibilities with parenting the girls alone.  And the girls will only see their daddy in the morning when he takes them to school/my friend M's house for the day.

Brothers

I have two of them, and A has one (as well as a sister)...  One of my brothers lives about 20 minutes from my house and has always been involved in the girls' lives because he's close by.  My other brother, J, lived out of state for a long time but has recently moved back to the area.  I'm LOVING that my girls are getting to spend time with their Uncle J and are really starting to form a bond with him.  Recently, when we were all up at my parents' house, he fished with them in my parents' pond and read them book after book.  He stopped short of playing "My Little Ponies" with them, but I can't blame him there.  (R has very specific scenarios for playing ponies, lol.)  In short, he's a really good uncle to my girls, and they love him.  I'm thankful for his time back home because he's no longer a stranger to them.

We also saw A's brother, T, last night.  I was noticing how good he is with my niece, who has some special needs.  Although he doesn't spend much time with my girls, it was really nice to watch him with my niece, his son, and my girls...  I can see that he loves my niece and is almost like a parent figure in her life, which she needs.

All in all, although I ALWAYS wanted a sister when I was growing up, I am very thankful for my two brothers and A's brother...  Good, strong, positive male influences in my daughter's lives.

Happy Fourth of July!

Grad School: The End... and Other Things

Ahh, I am finished with grad school as of Friday night.  I couldn't be happier that this 18+ month journey is finally over for me.  I just can't believe I actually survived the whole thing.

Looking back, I know it will help me in the next step in my career-- whenever and whatever that may be.  I have to have additional licensure to do anything else besides be in the classroom.  Which I am fine with doing for now.  I had applied in the spring for another position in my district and didn't get it.   However, A's new job requires him to work until 8:30pm during the week, and that job would have required lots of after school meetings and day trips to the state capitol for meetings.  This would have been hard with A no longer to be home in the evenings or to pick up the kids for me occasionally.

I feel like I'm free...  I seriously thought after we put the girls to bed tonight, "ok, what do I need to do for my class tonight?" and then had the wonderful realization that the answer is NOTHING.

I do still have to take the state license test, but I'm not too concerned about it.

Another teacher in my department recently resigned, which means I'll be picking up an additional prep this year-- an advanced class.  This should be a challenge, but in a good way, for me.  It will be interesting to work with students who are gifted in some way in reading, writing, or both.  It will also be a challenge to teach HS material to 8th grade students...  Just because they are advanced doesn't mean they are not still middle schoolers!

I don't know what I'll be doing with this blog... or if anyone even reads it anymore.  It was simply not something I could maintain while working through grad school.  In truth, I enjoy writing but I also don't know  if I need a public forum for it at this point.  It made sense when we were in the middle of our adoption to record the journey and to share it with others.  I don't know if sharing our daily life make sense anymore or not.

Twilight Movie Marathon Party with my BFF

Tonight, my BFF, M, and I are having a Twilight Movie Marathon/ Girls Night.  Her girls will be there (until bedtime), but my girls will be home with A.  Her husband and stepson will also be gone...  I cannot wait.  We had an "Edward Party" last summer, too, and it was just so nice to be carefree with my best friend.

I find that life is so complicated now, and I'm thankful that, even if it is just once a year, M and I are able to do something that's silly and fun, just for us.  We're going to order pizza and enjoy cake and champagne...

And, umm, here is my ride to her house now...  Gotta go, haha.