Need a Break!

And, I'm actually getting one! This weekend, I'm going to the Created for Care retreat for adoptive moms in Atlanta. I'm sooooo excited about, and I can't believe it is finally (almost!) here.

The past few weeks have been difficult with A's medical stuff and job stuff. And, on top of that, he's been traveling A LOT, so I've been on my own with the girls most of the time in the evenings. R has had a cough and a runny nose for weeks, and I've been sick, too. Grad school started again a couple of weeks ago, and my internship is kicking my butt. I'm just exhausted.

I know it seems like all I do is whine lately on this blog. But, what other outlet do I have? Ugh. I don't know. We are just going through a rough season right now. I can't really remember the last time I have just felt happy for any extended period of time. There is always something there to stress me the heck out.

This weekend, though, I'm hoping I can just relax, recharge, and remember all the good things I have in my life. There are so many people who are so much worse off than we are. I should be thankful-- and I am-- I just sometimes get bogged down in the stressful parts of life.

Update and Ramblings

First of all, we got some results from A's medical stuff last week, and it was good news. We are still awaiting something else, but I'm hoping for more positive results.

Second, A had an interview for a potential new job this week. It also went well, and we are waiting to hear back. This job would actually be an opportunity to use his degree and more along the lines of what he envisioned he'd like to when he graduated from college. His current job is sort of in his field, and he has been working there for 11 years. He had thought he would retire from this company some day, but things have changed. We are hoping and praying for good news (SOON!) from this other company. It would be an amazing job to get in a great company. We are hopeful.

Ok, so that is the update on that.

Did I tell you A bought me a Nook for Christmas? I thought it would be nice to have but that I probably wouldn't use it too much. However, I LOVE it! It's so nice to literally have an entire bookstore at my disposal! I've started reading again, which is just something that hasn't happened (outside of reading for work or grad school) in years. I think it is going to be great for when I travel, too.

We've been having a rough week with R this week. She's been sick and just WILD! Today was a better day than yesterday, when I was literally at my whit's end. I absolutely adore, love, and treasure her... but she is not easy to parent, especially when she refuses to do anything I say and/or does the exact opposite of what I say. Sigh. Hoping tomorrow will be another better day than the one before.

Ok, so I guess that's it for now.

My Husband

Would you please pray for him if you're so inclined?

We have a few things going on right now. I hesitate to put it out there for the entire world to see, but in a nutshell, we could use some prayers about his work situation and about some medical testing he will undergo next week.

I'm trying to stay cool, calm, and collected, but I'm so nervous about it all.

I just need for my husband to be healthy... and employed...

Thank you.

Family Day

First, Happy New Year!

Today was "Family Day," our anniversary of our family being together for the first time, as it was two years ago today that A, E, and I returned home from ET. We didn't really do anything special to mark the occasion, and that's really ok with me for this year. My aunt R is in town visiting, so we spent a lot of the day with her and my parents.

I can't believe it has been 2 years since E came home!!!

E Day, 2 years later

On Dec. 27, 2009, A and I met E for the first time, after an adoption journey of nearly 10 months. This day, 2 years ago, was a special day in our family, and we call it "E Day" now. The morning of the day I met my second daughter, I could not have really imagined how the day would end.

I awoke excited and ready to love on our daughter. I went to sleep that night practically broken and terrified that we'd made a mistake. Two years later, I can say with confidence that our adoption of E was NOT by any means a mistake, but that first day and night with E... It was oh so hard.

E was terrified of us (especially me) from the moment she was placed in my arms, screaming her baby lungs out. Knowing my daughter as I do now, this makes perfect sense. But at the time, it was terrifying beyond measure. I was totally unprepared to be the mother of a child who immediately began crying the moment she saw me for those first few horrible days in Ethiopia. With R, it was picture perfect, a "gotcha" moment any adoptive family dreams of. With E, not so much.

Poor baby. And dare I say, poor me and definitely poor A. He had to do most of the parenting while we were in ET and on our journey home as E would simply scream if she were placed in my arms. Honestly, I wasn't fond of her either. I felt like I was baby sitting someone else's scared, sick, and parasite filled (sorry!) child.

Over the next few days, she would at least tolerate my presence. I will never forget the look on her face when A and I returned from shopping and I went to get her from our agency's home. A was charged with helping to move the agency's washing machine to their new location for their home (they moved the week we were in ET). I was charged with taking the baby back to the hotel. She cried the entire 2.5 hours I had her alone. I cried, too. I was so scared. She even sobbed in her sleep. At one point, one of the hotel workers came and brought us our clean laundry. She took E from me, and E stopped crying. It appeared ANY ET woman would do over me, the person charged to be her mom for the rest of both our lives. When A returned to the hotel, he was able to get her to calm down. I would have to say that those 2.5 hours were the worst of the trip.

I won't and don't share pictures of our first day with E. They are, quite frankly, painful to look at, even now that E and I love and adore each other. I see us, both terrified of what is happening to us when I look at those pictures.

However, today, my E, I want you to know that I love you so, so much, more than you might not ever be able to know. I am so thankful that that terrified baby I met 2 years ago today was in fact MY daughter. I love, love, love, love, YOU, my sweet girl.

Reflecting

Two years ago today, I was somewhere between {our home} and Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. A and I were on our way to bring home our precious E. What an exciting time and trip this was for us. We left our R with our friends H and M until my parents returned home from Fl a few days later.

I could write and write and write about the experience of traveling to bring E home. But not tonight, as I'm exhausted after a lovely Christmas celebrated with our family at my parents' house. This is the first year since R has come home that we really "did" Christmas, and it was a lot of fun for the babies. I had forgotten how truly magical Christmas can be.

While we definitely didn't push the idea of Santa on the girls, they picked it up from other places, so we went with it to a point. My mom, my brother's fiancee, and I did the stockings-- forgotten how much fun stockings are to do (used to be my favorite part of Christmas Day at my grandparents' house), and we gave the girls a couple little gifts from "Santa," too.

This was the first time in many years that Christmas felt like Christmas to me, if that makes sense.

I hope your Christmas was a lovely day with your family and friends.

Merry Christmas and good night.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

I promised to post pictures once I received them from the photographer... Here is a sampling of the pictures from Saturday. Not bad, considering A had to do their hair (I was sick with the flu) and took them to the photo shoot. It was 20 minutes long... and he showed up 10 minutes late! Still, the photographer got some great shots!

Above: Telling baby sister a secret!

I LOVE this picture of my sweet E!!

Both my girls... stunningly beautiful in different ways. Wow!

She looks almost angelic here!

My friend M's girls and my girls. All ready to celebrate Christmas in a few days!

Mommy Guilt

So I guess I probably went overboard for the girls for Christmas this year. But it is hard not to. This is where my guilt manifests. Guilt? What guilt? The guilt I have for not being there for my children for the first precious months of their lives.

I try not to think of it-- but I can't get rid of the guilt no matter what I do. I guess that never goes away because it hasn't in the four years I've been a mom to a child who is adopted. So I spoil the crap out of them at Christmas, birthdays, and "R" and "E" days (the days we met the girls).

I don't care. If you saw where R lived the first weeks of her life, you just might feel the same way. I saw it, and I will never forget it.

And E? My sweet little baby doll? Obviously I don't know much about her life before referral, which was at 8 months. So I spoil her, too.

I just love those little girls so much. And it breaks me right in half that I couldn't be there for them when they were at their tiniest and most vulnerable.

On a side, but slightly related note, I'm (more than) considering hiring a searcher to find E's birthfamily, R's, too. I don't really know how to do it or where to begin or how much it would cost. But... I really feel like time is of the essence and that it needs to be done soon. I just need to do it. Right? Thoughts??

I'm finished! (Just in the nick of time to enjoy Christmas)

For the semester, that is. I'm finished with grad school for a few weeks (as well as regular, work-type school..), and I could not be happier. At a year into grad school, I'm, in truth, hating every minute of it. Does that sound too negative? I don't know; maybe it does. But, honestly, that's how I feel about it. I hate the time it takes away from my family, I hate the paper writing and the discussion board posting, and I hate the internship that seems like it will never end!

I know I brought all this upon myself entirely, but I also had no choice if I don't want to teach forever. And I've always known I don't want to do that. I just needed start it. I'd actually delayed starting another masters for years. For both adoptions and then for another year after that while we fumbled our way through becoming a family of 4. We knew we were in a place in which we were finished adopting for a while (maybe forever?), so I knew it was time for me to start. Right now I have the internship and some classes to take next semester and then maybe just one more class to be finished! That seems feasible, but I also feel pretty burned out.

E was also sick on Tues night/Wed this week so I stayed home with her on Wed. She was sicker than either girl has been. Every 20 minutes or so, all night long on Tuesday, she threw up. It was awful. And of course, in the middle of the night on Thursday, I also got it. I mean, I figured it was a done deal, but what was I supposed to do? I had to take care of the baby! So my final paper that was supposed to be completed last night I was able to extend to finish today, which was nice.

I'm still feel weak and off and somewhat dizzy when I try to walk too much. I hoping that is better tomorrow because we're planning to take the girls to a winter celebration at a nearby zoo.

And, oh, did I mention our furnace went out last Friday so we spent the entire week at my parents' house? I was thankful for a place to go, but you know how it is... There is a reason why kids don't live with their parents forever!

Sigh... Now that grad school is finished for a few weeks and work is finished for two, I'm ready to enjoy the Christmas season.

And, oh yeah, my little brother closed on his new house on Friday and moved in yesterday. I haven't seen it yet, but I can't wait to do so on Tuesday... And my other brother (a year younger than I) is moving to Orlando right at the beginning of the new year! Lots of changes going on in my family.

And, the girls got cutie Christmas pajama outfit pictures taken yesterday, which I will share when I get them. :)

So Tired

Ok, I have no idea what I'm going to do with this blog. Obviously, a few weeks ago, I was pretty set on going private. I don't know. Ugh.

Tonight, though, I just wanna write.

So, I've been sick since Thanksgiving (which was a lovely, lovely, lovely day...), and I can't stop coughing. I'm exhausted. I have bronchitis, and I'm on medicine for it now. The other night I just coughed and coughed for over 3 hours straight. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

Tonight I couldn't find my stupid textbook for my class assignment due tonight and I just cried about it like a big baby. Poor A. He had a work thing tonight and couldn't stay and help me look for the book or help me with the girls. So I was a crying, coughing mess. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

My girls really, really, really want a Christmas tree this year. We haven't had one for years. In truth, this is a hard time of year for me. A doesn't do Christmas, so if I want to do it, it's all on me. 2 years ago, we were preparing to go to ET to bring E home, so we didn't do Christmas really at all. Last year, we went to Florida over Christmas, so we didn't do it last year either. I've been able to avoid it all. But this year? My babies are 4 and almost 3. They're getting old enough to know what Christmas is and what it involves. I don't know if I have the energy to do it alone. Ugh. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

E's 2 year post placement report is due to *my agency* tomorrow. Ugh. I started working on it last night, but it's gonna be late this year. Well, I will try to get the report part finished at work and then get that and the pictures to the agency tomorrow night. Sigh. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now. My internship hours are due in 2 weeks, papers are stacking up to be graded, my house is in shambles, I have no idea what to do for Christmas, and I cannot shake this illness. I feel so defeated.

Ok, Going Private

The time has come for this blog to become private. Like pronto. So, if you are interested in being invited to read this blog in the future, please leave a comment below with your email address and how I know you. I'm going to private on Sunday evening.

Ugh.

My neighbor died about a week ago. He was pretty old, and he was very sick with cancer. He told me about 18 months ago that he had about 6 months to live. I always kind of looked out for him-- making sure he was ok and all that.

This weekend, his family descended on the home and cleared it out. It is weird to know the house is empty, save the random junk and things lining the garage walls.

He was kind, and he was lonely after his wife died a few years ago. I would often get "stuck" talking to him for at least 45 minutes while trying to get the groceries in, etc. He had family who lived about 30 minutes from here and who would visit sometimes, but it didn't seem like they were around often. One time he gave me his granddaughter's contact information just in case something happened.

Another time, he called me from the hospital to get his paper off the porch for him so it wasn't obvious no one was at the house.

This morning, as I left for church, his Sunday paper was on the porch. I stood by the van, not sure what to do. Take it or leave it. I decided to leave it until I returned from church. When I got back, the family had returned, and the paper was gone.

So I guess that's that.

Idiot

That would be me.

I did something REALLY stupid recently concerning work. Well, umm, what it was actually happened like a month ago, and I didn't realize at the time it was a problem. Until I was told yesterday that it was an issue.

The thing is, I KNOW better. I mean really! Did I ever tell you my dad's a former school administrator? I mean, like my entire life until he retired a few years ago (he was actually offered his first principalship the same day I was born. Anyway...) The bottom line is that I know better and shouldn't have done it.

So, I've walked around for the past 2 days feeling sick. At least I can say with certainty that my principal is "ok" with me. Just my luck, the issue extends to central office staff... so my principal talked to me yesterday to give me a "heads up."

What I did wasn't anything horrible. Like I told my principal, I would never do anything to embarrass her or my school. I take pride in always being very professional. It was just a dumb thing to do. Something I never thought would be an issue.

Also considering making this blog private. Thoughts?

A Letter

Dear Y,

(R's birthmother)

Tonight, as I cuddle our daughter close, she asked me with sleepy eyes to tell her the story of when A and I brought her home.

Out of the blue she says, "Mommy, why couldn't my 'Opia Mommy take care of me?" She caught me so off guard that I started to cry as I told why... (which I am not going to go into specifics in a blog...)

"Why does that make you cry, Mommy?" our wise almost-four-year-old asks me next. I told her that sometimes being in an adoptive family is hard. "Sometimes it's hard to be away from people we love, and it makes Mommy sad that your Opia Mommy lives far away from us."

In truth, she caught me off guard with her questions tonight.

It's been almost 4 years since you gave birth to our daughter. As her birthday inches closer, my heart gets heavier and heavier thinking of you and wondering how you are doing, what you are doing... Do you ever get the photo albums I send? Do you think about our girl? Do you regret your decision? Do you worry about her?

She's bright, shiny, beautiful.... She's smart, loving, caring, creative, amazing. Recently, she has started to adore her little sister and is such a great big sister to her. She's going to pre-school this year 3 mornings a week, and she LOVES it. At her school, the children get to make a lot of decisions about what and how they want to learn, and she is thriving.

Our girl is also strong-willed and stubborn. Knowing your story, I know she gets a lot of her determination from you.

I hope you are proud of her-- I tell her you must be. I hope you know how much she is loved, adored, and treasured. I hope you are pleased with the decisions A and I make for her. I wish so much that we were able to keep in contact with you better and that you could see her today. She is amazing.

Take care,

M

The Call- Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today, we got The Call for E. We knew we were #1 on the list and that we could get the call any day. In fact, the night before (a Sunday night) I'd changed my ringtone for my agency to some crazy one that would definitely get my attention.

I was an instructional coach at that point, and it was close to 3pm when my cell phone rang the crazy ring tone as I sat in my office finishing up a few things and waiting for the end of the school day at 3:10. Sure enough, it was our case manager, J, and she had a little girl to tell us about. As she started talking, I immediately dashed out of my office and up the stairs to my friend H's classroom. (Both our referrals have taken place in her classroom now that I think about it...)

I remember shaking and crying a lot. There is something so surreal about the one moment when you become a parent through adoption. I got off the phone with my case manager after hearing the details about my girl and then calling A to tell he was now the father of two... We waited for the email to come through from the case manager with the pictures.

And, then, suddenly, there they were. I was looking at this tiny little girl who by some miracle God had deemed me fit to parent. As I've said before, she looked nothing like what I was expecting, but she was so beautiful and so, so sweet-looking. Those beautiful eyes! They were striking then and still are today. (Below, the other 2 referral pictures-- see the entry below for the other one. Yes, we ONLY received 3, which still bugs me!)

Today, we talked a little bit with the girls about what it means to become a family this way. That for us (A, R, and I), it was the day we learned that E would be a part of our family. For her, I know it was a time of confusion, fear, sadness, and mourning. We did not celebrate today but marked the occasion instead. We went to our favorite Italian place for dinner, as we have the past years. A and I spent time talking to both our girls about why we love them and how glad we are that they are members of our family.

We have come a long way as a family in the past two years, and I am so thankful that A and I are E's dad and mom.

Two years ago today, I was excited that I was now a mother of two precious girls. Today, I reflect on what lead us to each other and what a journey it has been both before and after the referral call.

E-poodle, I love you so much, baby doll! I cannot believe it has been 2 years since I saw your sweet face and learned of your story and became your momma. You are sweetness, light, grace, and love all rolled into one. I am so thankful that we are a family. Darling girl, there really are no words to explain how much I LOVE YOU! (Below, E today-- well, at least recently...)

My Two Loves

I have no idea what I did to be so blessed... My girls, today. I love them so much.

PS-- A's latest obsession? Card tricks! Shoot me!

Today

Two years ago today was a pretty normal Thursday morning for us. I got ready to go to work and had R dressed and eating breakfast. I turned on my cell phone, and it showed that I had a text message.

The message was from my friend S, and she'd written, "You're the new #1! The V family got the call!" I raced downstairs and checked the V family's blog... Their blog confirmed that they had received their referral, meaning that we were next in line. (Not that I didn't believe you, S! I just had to see it for myself!)

I told A, and we both were so excited. It is a surreal feeling to know that the next referral WILL be yours.

Two years ago today, E had made her journey from southern ET and had been at my agency's transitional home for 3 days. Knowing my child as I do now, I'm sure that it was a hard day for her. I know her tender heart now, and I am sure she was scared and was grieving her birthfamily. My poor, sweet, darling baby girl.

Two years ago today, my E, we were so excited about possibility of you. Today, I'm so thankful that I am your momma. I love you so much, little precious daughter of mine.

Favorite Month

I'm pretty sure October is my favorite month. I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE summer growing up, but I think now I prefer fall. My mom always has loved fall, and I never understood it until I was older. I mean, as a kid would love a month or season that involved being at school?

I gotta say, I love driving along and taking in the colors of the tree leaves as they change. I love the chilly mornings and bright clear days October often brings. I love that most days, it is neither too hot nor too cold when we go for a walk with the babies after work. I love that I can go to the store and buy apple cider and pumpkin pie. While the days are getting shorter, it is still light out until the girls go to bed right now.

I love going to farms and pumpkin patches and festivals with A and the girls. I love watching college football (even if my team sucks this year).

Did I mention my anniversary is in Oct.? A and I were married on a beautiful October afternoon.

I love that the first quarter of the school year is over as of this coming Tuesday.

I love that the first time I saw a picture of my sweet E was an October afternoon.

That's it for now. Other things on my mind, but that'll be for tomorrow.

Birth Family Questions

Some recently commented that they'd like to know what questions I long to have answers for from my girls' birth families. Here is a list of things I would love to ask E's birth family and some that I know the answers to from R's (but not all).

• What does ---- (the child’s name) mean?
• Who chose her name? Why?
• Can you tell us about her father and other family members (such as grandparents and siblings)?
• What is your personality like? Her father’s?
• Can you tell us a little about your life as a child?
• Was there a special song you sang to ---- (the child)?
• What was your labor and delivery like? Easy? Difficult? Long? Short?
• What time of day was she born? (For some reason, I LONG so much to know this.)
• Where was she born?
• Was she breastfed?
• Who does she resemble most, you, her father, or another relative?
• Was she a happy baby?
• What comforted her best?
• What can you tell me about the child’s other birth family members?
• What are your dreams for her?
• What is something you hope for your daughter?
• What would you like her to know about you?
• What would you like her to know about Ethiopia?

Seasons of Love

Today's A and my 8th wedding anniversary... 13 years together total as of today.

I think over the past 13 years of my life and am sometimes amazed at where we ended up... It has not always been easy for either of us, but it is certainly never dull.

There are seasons in marriage, I've learned, just as there are seasons of the year. Some seasons I've liked more than others. I'm sure A could say the same. I feel like in the past 6 months, we've started to come out of one of the less-than-desirable of those seasons.

So, today, we celebrate the day we vowed to devote our lives to each other.

Happy anniversary, dear.