Leavin' on a Jet Plane

R and I leave bright and early tomorrow to go visit my brother J for the week. He lives in the Florida Keys so we're looking forward to warm weather and sunny skies. A is (unfortunately) staying home. Getting off work this time of year isn't easy for him. My parents are also going to be with us. It is 9:45 right now, and I have to get up in about 4 or 5 hours so it is time to go to bed!

I'll be home on the 5th so have a Happy New Year!

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

** UPDATED WITH PICTURES!**

I hope you are enjoying your day with friends and family. I will post some pictures of R looking adorable both in her sleeper and Christmas dress later! :)

These first pictures are at my parents' house on Christmas day of R in her Christmas dress and in her "I love Santa" sleeper. Isn't she a doll baby??

These pictures are from her Christmas photo shoot. Yes, it is a different dress. She got her pictures taken with my friend H's kids, and this dress went better with their dresses than the one she wore on Christmas day did. Before you think I'm just totally excessive, this dress was bought by my mother-in-law for $1.50 at Goodwill, and the one above was from last year after Christmas and was less than $7 (my mom bought it for her).

Traditionless Christmas

This is R's first Christmas at home, of course. I was hoping that it would be like our family events from when I was a kid. Instead, it's turning into the most lame day ever. Allow me to pout a bit:

1. A's family doesn't do Christmas, and neither does he. I decided not to do decorations around my house this year because quite frankly it is no fun to decorate a tree and put out Christmas stuff alone. I admit fully that this part of Lame Christmas 2008 is entirely my fault.
2. We, along with my parents, are going to Florida to visit my brother the week after Christmas. This will be fun, don't get me wrong. However, this means that my parents bought and decorated the tiniest tree in the world, and instead of lots of decorations and Christmas memories there, hardly anything is out. Their tree is literally about 5 feet tall and 2 feet wide. It's pathetic, so pathetic in fact that I had to have my friend M take pictures of R in front her (live, pretty) tree while she was watching her one day last week. The pictures turned out cute at least.
3. My brother (who lives near me, not the one in FL) is spending either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day with his girlfriend's family. Of course he probably should do that. However, this will be the first time since he's been alive that this has happened, and he was planning to spend BOTH with her family until my mom put her foot down.
4. I found out today that my uncle's family isn't coming for Christmas dinner... just a few hours in the afternoon. This, too, has never happened before.

I know, stop being a baby. However, let me explain the Christmases of the past:

When I was a child, we would spend Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family, do our own thing Christmas morning, and then go to my mom's parents' on Christmas afternoon. When my Gramma died, we pretty much stopped seeing my dad's family. I was in 5th grade, and we still had the tradition of being with my mom's side. That became the norm and was how it went until my grandmother died.

The week of Christmas was always super busy. My grandmother owned a gift shop in my home town; I grew up working there after school and on my breaks. If we still had the store, I would be spending my days between now and Christmas Eve there in a sea of activity. I miss that terribly.

As Christmas would get closer, my mom's sisters and their families would make their ways to my grandparents' to celebrate with us. No longer. The sisters and their families haven't been home for Christmas since the last one before Granny died. One came home with her sons the week after Christmas last year.

We used to get a Christmas tree, a live one. We would decorate it with a million ornaments and pin popcorn to the ends of the branches. I know no other family who does this. Now my parents do a fake tree and thus no popcorn. Blah.

You see, I want R to have what I used to have: tradition and family and specialness. This time of year used to feel so magical to me. Now it feels like nothing to me, and I'm even starting to dislike the whole thing a bit.

When I married A, I knew full well that Christmas would be difficult with his not celebrating it. I still don't like it but have grown used to it. Now, however, I'm learning that with a child, it is much worse. Now, with everything else, I'd rather skip the whole thing entirely. What is the point of my parents cooking a feast for them, A, R, and me for Christmas dinner? It seems like such a waste.

I'm not saying I want gifts and greed. I just want family, tradition, and that special time of year this used to be.

Winning the Lottery

A group of City workers from my hometown won the 207 million dollar Mega Millions lottery this weekend... Wow, can you even imagine what it would be like to win the lottery? I can't. Money doesn't buy happiness-- this I do know-- but wouldn't it be amazing to be able to pay off college loans and the mortgage, set up parents and in-laws, travel wherever I wanted, take care of my friends,... and of course, start a foundation/organization/whatever to do something for the children of Ethiopia. And, we sure wouldn't have to wait until we had our funding in place to start our adoption process again, would we?

SNOWDAY!

Ice day, really. However, a day off is a day off!

I'm going to spend it with my sweet baby girl.

I hope you enjoy your day.

Bliss...

... is getting to sleep through the night! R hasn't been sleeping through the night at all lately. (She was sleeping through the night in her crib for months and then a few weeks ago decided that was for losers and stopped.) Actually, most nights she falls asleep in her crib only to wake up at 10:30 on the dot. Sometimes she stays up until 2 or 3am... and sometimes she will fall back asleep but ONLY if I am holding her or sleeping right next to her in my bed (which I don't like to do at all). However, last night, A put her down around 7:30 like usual, and she did not wake up until 8am!

I won't get too excited... after all, she will probably wake up again tonight, but I am feeling refreshed after a full night's sleep for the first time in a long time!

And, p.s.-- she's also in a fabulous mood today and has been a delight all day long to be around. Humm, it's almost like sleeping through the night is GOOD for a 13 month old! :)

How Bizarre

Ok, so I'm at work, right? Of course. Where else would I be on a Monday? I walked through the office on my way back from lunch and saw an LL Bean box on the secretary's desk. I almost ask her if it is the slippers I ordered for my mom but then think myself silly for evening thinking it because they were shipped to my house, not school.

However, I check my email, and there is a message from the secretary saying that there is a box from LL Bean for me. So it was mine after all.

Here is where it gets bizarre. The box was supposed to be delivered to my house on Friday, but the tracking says the delivery attempt was to the wrong house. Somehow, over the weekend the box made a journey 2 states away and then back to my state... Only to be delivered to my school.

I checked to make sure I had put my correct home address. I had. However, there is an "URGENT" FedEx label on the box with my school's address on it.

So how the heck did FedEx know where I work????

Bizarre.

One Year Ago Today

(R at a year old enjoying a "breakfast bot" while I pack her bag to go to M's for the day. I love those eyes! She is so ornery!)

Friday, December 7, 2007:

A day I won't soon forget. It was a typical Friday afternoon for me. I returned to my classroom at the end of the school day after taking my students to the library for the last period of the day. As the afternoon announcements came on, I casually opened my email and checked it. There, I saw an email from my case manager, J. I ignored the rest and eagerly opened the email. It said that she was trying to get a hold of us and wanted A or me to call her before she went home for the day.

I knew what this meant. You see, 2 days prior, we had received our monthly update phone call from our case manager. We knew were were #1 on the waiting list. At the end of the call, J said to me, "We have new babies coming into HH all the time. Sometimes it's just a matter of getting medical paperwork in order..."

I grabbed my phone and ran over to my friend H's classroom (I can't get cell phone reception in my room but can in hers). By this time, the bell had rang, students were at their lockers preparing to catch their buses, and H was in the hallway doing hall duty. I grabbed her hand as I dashed by and said, "My case manager is trying to get a hold of me." I slammed her classroom door and sat down at her desk. I didn't think I could stand.

I could hardly dial my agency's phone number because my hands were shaking so badly. I finally did and waited for J to take my call.

She told me I had a daughter.

I started sobbing. (I still, even now, tear up every time I think about it.)

(My tears of joy and happiness that I am FINALLY a mom!! Sorry these pictures are so small. I had to go into my snapfish account and copy them from there because the actual file are trapped on my PC.)

She told me R's background, her birthname, what they knew of her birth parents and birth family, her age, where she was born, and that she was absolutely beautiful. Most importantly, she told me that she was MY DAUGHTER.

J then told me that she was going to send me the referral information via email. I did not expect this. I guess we had just assumed we would be told about our referral and would get the actual pictures a few days in the mail.

I just wasn't prepared to see my daughter's face as soon as I knew she existed.

(Above, reading the email from our case manager and seeing a picture of my daughter for the first time.)

I got off the phone with J and dialed A's work number. He was on another call, and my 3 minute wait for him to answer my call was the longest of my life. As soon as I the email from J with PICTURES OF OUR DAUGHTER, I forwarded them to A so he could also see our child.

How can I even describe what it was like to see R's face for the first time? I can't, really. Those of you who have received your referrals and/or brought your children home know what it is like. And those of you on the waiting list will know soon...

Just look at how amazing this child is!

SO tiny!

Sleeping Beauty. I couldn't wait until she was sleeping in my arms!

I know that my daughter is exactly what I prayed for and more than I could have ever imagined. Our contract was for an infant girl, which could be anywhere from newborn to 12 months old at the time of referral. We hoped that she would be as young as possible, but we never imagined that R would be 3 weeks old at the time of our referral and a little over 3 months old when we brought her home.

The contract wasn't for the most perfect child ever.
Or for the girl with the most beautiful, alert eyes, even at 3 weeks old.
Or for the child with the arms open wide waiting for her parents to hug her tight.
Or for the baby who has the most amazing and infectious smile I've ever see.
Or for the little one who is so curious and playful.

But you know what? That's what we got, and I couldn't ask for anything more!

Christmas Shopping and Ugly Sweater Contest 2008

Today I was able to get out of the house for a few hours (by myself!!) to get some Christmas shopping done. Sure, I went last week with my friend M on Black Friday, but that was more a social event than a shopping excursion when all said and done. I went to 4 stores and managed to get most of the shopping completed, from a birthday gift for R's BFF, N, to my "Secret Snowman" gifts for work.

I must admit that it was heavenly to not have R with me on this trip. She and her daddy stayed at home for some daddy-daughter bonding. She was super good shopping last week, but today it is colder and snowing and she woke up in the middle of the night screaming. Just not a good combo.

*******

Ok, now on to the second part of the title of this post.

Every year, on the day after Thanksgiving, my friend M and I go shopping. We don't get up at 3am or anything like that. (We both enjoy sleep way too much for that!) More like we roll into the mall parking lot like at 1pm. It works out well because it really isn't that crowded by that point. Actually, the routine is this: stop at the Old Navy across from the mall to get Christmas socks, go to our favorite Mexican place for lunch, and THEN go to the mall and do our shopping.

But we don't just shop. You see, every year, we have a contest, an Ugly Sweater contest to be exact. While we are shopping for gifts for our loved ones, we are also on the prowl for the ugliest Christmas sweaters we can find. A few years ago, we got smart and brought the camera along with us. The following are some of the entries for this year:

Nothing says Christmas like some kitties in hats. Fabulous, no?

Penguins are also very Christmas-y.

This is the perfect "Evening Wear" Christmas sweater, complete with its own already-attached bling so you don't have to worry about your accessories looking tacky with your top.

Truly, nothing says "Christmas" like a royal blue sweater vest.

The babies even got in on the action finding our ONLY Scottie dog entry of the whole day! (Side Note: Don't take pictures when you are in Gymboree. They will yell at you like you are a gang of unruly teenagers instead of very mature and sophisticated urban mothers out shopping with your always perfectly-behaving little girl children. The nerve! I'm working on filing a complain about that experience.)

And now for the winner of Ugly Sweater 2008..........

Let me explain this one. First of all, M got the better picture of this one by far, so you'll just have deal with my sub-par one. It's Santa... with spindly legs, weird facial expressions, and strange boots. We hate nontraditional depictions of Santa. He is looking way too much like one of his elves here. It's creepy.

This year's contest was not as good as the past few years. For some reason, Ugly Christmas Sweaters are just not as fashionable as they used to be. I would share last year's winner with you if I could. Sadly, it is trapped on my PC, which hasn't worked since right before R came home in Feb.

As you can see, however, despite the curiously small amount of Ugliness we found, a good time was had by all!!

Thankful

Last year's Thanksgiving was a day I can't forget. I was so glad to be with my family for the day, but my heart ached for my baby, just a few weeks old and whose face was unknown to us at the time. I remember that I knew it would be my last Thanksgiving without my child. And, of course, now we know that I was right. We received our referral just a few short weeks later.

I'm so thankful for my beautiful daughter. She is the absolutely most amazing blessing of my whole life. I do not know how I could be worthy of her as my daughter. I'm thankful, too, for her brave birthmother, the woman who gave birth to my daughter and gave her to us selflessly, only asking us to allow her to pursue an education and give her a happy life.

My daughter a month old (one of our referral pictures).

My beautiful daughter, now a year old!

May you have a safe, happy, and joyful Thanksgiving with your family and friends...

Phone Call

I had just gotten R to bed and was about to load the dishwasher when the phone rang. It was a woman named D who had seen my name on the agency's reference list and wanted to talk to me about our adoption experience.

I'm always thrilled to be able to talk about Ethiopia and adopting from Ethiopia. I don't often get the chance to-- sometimes a random stranger or fellow adoptive parent will stop me while out on errands or what not... But mostly, people ask me about being R's mom, not being an advocate for adoption.

You see, I'm so passionate (as anyone who reads this blog regularly knows) about adoption and Ethiopia... I always hope so much that what I tell perspective adoptive parents is helpful and guides them in their decisions-- whatever that decision may be.

As we ended our conversation, D told me that what I had told her made her want to adopt even more than before... She was going to work on the paperwork and get it all in as soon as she could.

Mission accomplished!

Twilight

Have you read that book? Let's just put it this way: I bought it on Monday and finished it today. I didn't allow myself to read any of it Tuesday because I had to do housework.

I decided that I had to read this series (saga, whatever) after one of my students told me she finished the first one in 2 days. This, coming from a girl who hardly ever reads, was enough to convince me that I needed to find out what all the excitement was about. As her language arts teacher, I felt like I needed to get myself in the loop. Honestly, I wasn't even conscious that there was a movie about it coming out tomorrow until a couple days ago.

Ok. It's a book about vampires. (Don't laugh, M.) I mean, seriously. This is not my type of book at all for a variety of reasons, namely that I can't stand a lot of fantasy stuff. However, from the first chapter, I was hooked. And I don't really even know why. It's very much like when I finally read the first Harry Potter book when I was in college.

Anyway, I have the second book sitting on my stairs waiting for me to pick it up and get hooked on it, too. I'll refrain until tomorrow or I really will be up all night (between reading and waking up with baby who apparently now thinks 3am is a great time to wake up to play). I'm already plotting a way that my parents can watch R while A and I sneak off to see the movie this weekend.

Lucky for me, I'm taking my students to the library tomorrow so instead of grading papers while they're picking books, I'll be reading, too!

9 Month "R" Day Anniversary!!

It is nine months today since I held my sweet baby for the first time! I can hardly believe how much time has past. It has flown by in the blink of an eye.

A and I decided we would call Feb. 18 "R" Day instead of Family Day or Gotcha Day. This is because R will not be our only adopted child, and we want each "gotcha" day to be special for each child.

I think back to how small and helpless she was 9 months ago to how big, strong, independent, and just all around AWESOME she is now... And I am amazed!

I never thought it was humanly possible to love a child as much as I love my R. Adoption is such an amazing thing.

My Little Trouper

Today was R's one year check up. She had her little baby toe pricked for testing for anemia as well as four shots for various vaccines. She did ok with the toe prick but not with the shots. She screamed and screamed. :( On top of that, she's had some diarrhea the past few days (most likely because we have started transitioning her from formula to whole milk) so we had to take her to get an x-ray... I think my poor baby was traumatized!

She fell asleep on the way home, and the both of us napped on the sofa (what is better than cuddling with a sleeping baby??) while A made dinner. She woke up at 3am this morning and "played" until about 5:50 so we were both tired. (I get up at 6 for work.)

On a side note, I went to a craft show with one of my friends yesterday. It's sort of become a tradition as this is the 3rd year we've gone. This year, I did take R. I took the stroller and the hip hammock carrier because I knew that she would get tired of the stroller and want to be held anyway. As we were leaving (my friend with the stroller and I with the baby), a woman held the door for us. She remarked to her friend, "Oh, that's that baby I thought wasn't real!"

Ok then.

What kind of weirdo must she have thought I was to push a stroller and carry a fake baby in a baby carrier through a crowded craft show???

People are so strange.

Happy Birthday to My Daughter!

*Edited, with pictures!*

The birthday girl... She is wearing an outfit I saw last year at Gymboree before we even received her referral. I decided that if we got a referral while the line was still being sold, it would be what my daughter would wear on her first birthday. After Christmas last year, about 3 weeks after receiving our referral, I went out and bought 2 cupcake themed outfits, one in 6-12 months and one in 12-18 months. I didn't know what size she'd be in! It is almost surreal to have her wearing it now, just as I had imagined. My goodness, this child is such a blessing!

The birthday girl this week at my friend A's parents' house. A and her 8 month old son are in town visiting from Budapest, and R got into the cheese balls... Oops. But I thought this was a cute picture.

R's birthday today!! Although news of H clouds part of the day, we still have much to celebrate. R woke up at 5 when A had to get up to go to work. I brought her in bed with me for 2 hours, and we both enjoyed cuddling and sleeping in... R woke up in a great mood, and I was glad that I was home with her instead of at work.

One thing I knew I had to do was switch out her 12 months clothes for the 18 months clothes. I have a few friends who have been giving me clothes for R as well as clothes from my 3 year old niece. To my surprise, this time, when I opened the bin and started going through everything, I realized that we really didn't have any colder weather clothes for her.

So, for the first time, I actually NEEDED to go out and buy my daughter clothes! Awesome. A and I took R to Target to get some baby supplies as well as look at their clothes. So we went on a family outing to Target... A and I had a good time picking out some stuff for our princess.

After that, the princess took a nap, and we did some more playing before dinner. Right as I was about to start making dinner, M, H's husband, called to see if I could come watch their girls while he and H went to the hospital. We went right over there, and R got to play with the girls for a few hours.

All in all, I think she had a good first birthday! I know I enjoyed being with her and not being at work.

Her party was on Sat., and of course the theme was "Princess!" H and I made the cake the night before, a castle. The party was at my parents' house, which was great because their house is a lot bigger than mine. All of R's little friends dressed up like princesses, as well as R herself.

Making the birthday Princess Castle cake the night before the party.

Tired baby. She wanted Mommy to stop making a cake and put her to bed! (I think this picture is hilarious!)
All finished! Yes, I realize it is a little crooked, but it is made with love, and it is not like R cares what it looked like. I thought it was darling, and as H says, one of her classic "Homemade Tacky" cakes.

At my parents' house before the guests arrive. The horse was one of my favorite toys when I was a child... My dad found it, cleaned it up, and gave it to R. As you can see, she loves it! (It sure seems a lot smaller than it did when I was a kid!)

Ready to transform into a princess, R sports her hat!

All dressed up and ready for her fellow princesses to arrive to celebrate this most royal of occasions...

What birthday is complete without a little cake on your face? Her "baby" cake was a princess hat made from a frosted ice cream cone and a cupcake, in case you were wondering.

Quick Update

I spent the evening at H's house watching her two girls while she and her husband went to the ER. There were concerns about a clot forming in her lungs, and it needed to be checked out. Test results were mostly inconclusive... the ER dr. said that how she was being treated for her leg was what he would do for a clot in the lungs, too. Although they didn't think there was a clot in the lungs, it couldn't be ruled out. She is home now, freaked out, but at least she went.

My Friend H

Last year, my friend H almost died. She had a massive blood clot in her leg, going actually from behind her belly button all the way to her ankle. She faced, at age 28, the possibility of never walking again and living her life in unbearable pain. For over a week, I spent every free moment at the hospital because I was afraid she was going to die. After that week a doctor came to her hospital room and told her he had an idea for a very experimental surgery to possibly save her. Long story short is that it worked.

I wish that were the end of the story. For the past year, she has been on an extremely high dosage of blood thinners and is in pain daily (although not even comparable to what she was in before her surgery). Today she received some bad news. For about a month now she has been in an increased level of pain and has been experiencing chest pain as well. Finally, last week her husband and I were able to persuade her to go to the doctor on Thursday. Yesterday she had an ultrasound on her leg, and today the doctor called with the news that a new clot was forming in the leg.

There is a lot of concern because this should not happen with the amount of blood thinners she is on. She goes to the vein specialist on Friday. I don't know what will happen from here; no one does. I am fearful, though.

H is young. She has two small wonderful daughters, ages 3 and 1. She is an amazing person and so strong. Seeing her in all that pain and going through a very hard recovery made me realize that even more. However, today, when I talked to her on the phone she sounded defeated.

Please pray for strength for my friend and her dear family.

Please pray that this clot is treatable and that she will be ok.

And lastly, (I feel selfish), please pray for me that I have the strength to be brave for her because I don't know if she can be right now.

Just a Few More Hours of Babyhood Left

Tomorrow's R's birthday. When she wakes up tomorrow, she'll be a big one year old. Wow. I can hardly believe it. As she fell asleep in my arms tonight, I could not help but feel peaceful and so thankful to God for her. She is truly the most amazing gift, beyond anything I ever hoped or dreamt of deserving.

I took off work for tomorrow. I decided that it was much more important to be with R on her birthday than to be teaching 8th graders. I just might do that every birthday. Will my district catch on after a few years? Who cares?? To me, it will be wonderful, in the middle of the week, to be able to play with my daughter, go to the grocery store, and just be calm instead of the hectic usual daily schedule.

Her new cute thing this week is that if you say to her (usually in the car or highchair), "R, show me your baby toes!" she will lift her little foot in the air or kick both feet back and forth. Of course, there is a huge smile on her little face! She is so proud of herself.

Tomorrow, I will post pictures of my birthday princess.

On a side note...
I don't talk about politics. I actually can't stand politics and most politicians. I hope you can never tell from my blog who I voted for. That's not the point of this blog anyway. I consider myself politically neutral because I do not feel a loyalty to either party. I have my beliefs and what guides me. These lead me, not one political party or another. However, I will say this because this election last week was historical: Regardless of who you voted for, you have to admit that the election of an African American to the Presidency is a historical moment for our country. I believe this will open doors for my little Ethiopian American daughter that would never have opened before. I believe that whether or not you voted for Obama or whether or not you voted for McCain, some time, maybe 50 years from now, some one will want to know what it was like to be living today, here and now in this moment.

Enough about that. I don't plan on ever mentioning anything that has to do with politics again.

Weighted Down

That's how I feel lately. I'm so weighted down with the suffering of my daughter's people and country. I've been thinking constantly about Ethiopia... dreaming of Ethiopia... feeling helpless about Ethiopia... wondering what my future child(ren) is (are) doing in Ethiopia...

I am struggling a lot with my role in Ethiopia and for Ethiopia. I had a long conversation about a week ago with my friend H about my long-term vision. I don't know how much I want to talk about it right now because I don't want to get ahead of myself. I also don't know how courageous I can really be. Saying something aloud (or typing it for the whole Internet world to see) comes with consequences and expectations.

Also with the recent changes on the Ethiopian side of adoption, I am worrying a lot. I know that these changes are really going to affect our future adoption, and I am fearful that Ethiopian adoption will become like Chinese adoption and start to take A LOT longer and be a lot more difficult.

And then I wonder if we should even adopt again at all. We are so happy with our R... Would bringing another child into this little family be the right thing? Sometimes I wonder, but at the same time, I really feel strongly that we are supposed to adopt again.

I also think a lot of R's birthmother. We are getting closer and closer to R's birthday. Less than 2 weeks. While this is a time to celebrate, it is also somewhat bittersweet. I wonder so much how Y (R's birthmother) is feeling right now. I think a lot about how things must have been for her in the last few weeks before delivering my daughter almost a year ago. I wonder if it was hard for her. (Of course it was. Who am I kidding?) I wonder how many times a day she thinks of R. I wonder if she regrets her decision. I wonder if she went to HH and got the pictures I sent to her. (I'm so thankful that I met her when we were in Ethiopia.) And I wonder a probably a million other things, too...

I'm not trying to be a big bag of downer here lately. I'm sure you find yourself here expecting to see some happy little Halloween post. R in her pumpkin suit or something adorable like that.

Ok then. Next post won't be so serious.

Please Pray

I've been reading some other blogs of people who are waiting to travel. It seems that the Ethiopian government has added another step to the process after the referral, and it is going to add a lot of time to the wait.

I know from personal experience that having a child in Ethiopia while you are home waiting desperately to hold her is the most painful of experiences. I am tearing up right now just thinking of how miserable I was while waiting for R and knowing that other families are going to have to wait even longer to hold their precious children.

Yes, I know... All those blogs I read keep saying, "God's timing is perfect." That may be so, but waiting to hold your child is almost too hard to bear. It is really hard to have faith in that when your heart is longing for your child.

With that said, I'm also living proof that once you are home with your child, all that waiting, heartbreak, and pain melts away.

I promise.