Away for a Few Days

I went to visit my friend P for a few days this week.  We haven't seen each other in 2 years, and that visit was very short.  She lives about 5.5 hours away from me, and we used to work together.  She had to move (well, twice since leaving here) because of her husband's job.

It is so nice to just be able to slide back into a grove with her.  I used to talk to her on the phone almost daily  and visited her multiple times throughout a year.  This was before the kids, and obviously I don't always have the time or money to travel all the time.  I feel guilty about sort of letting that friendship fall apart, but I just couldn't help it.

We used to shop a lot when she lived her, and we had a fun shopping day on Wed.  Her daughter came along with us, and that was fun, too.  Her daughter is going to be a high schooler soon, and I can't believe she's old enough to be in HS now.

The bottom line is that I have missed P so much recently, and it was wonderful to have a few days break from my current reality.  The girls stayed with my parents because of A's work schedule.  They got to fish, play, and go to the zoo.  I love my girls, but I did need a break.  Does that seem selfish?  Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.  I just needed some time off from them.

Adjusting

One of the first things the director of our agency's transitional home told us about R is that, even at 3 months old, she liked routine.  Oh, how true this simple statement has become!  My R is someone who thrives on structure and routine.

With that said, our summer has been anything but routine.  A was off for a week before starting a new job, and then when he did start, he was on a basic 8 to 5 shift.

Last week, he started his "normal" shift of 11:30 to 8:30pm.  This has been hard on both girls.  E usually stays up until he gets home, and she whimpers about missing daddy for 30 to 45 minutes before he does come home.  R has had a horrible time adjusting to his being gone at night.  Dinnertime and bedtime are really hard for me.  Yes, A is home in the mornings, but mornings have always been "easier" than evenings for my girls.

In short, I do NOT want to complain about my husband's job.  In the long run, this job is going to be a good thing for our family, and I am so thankful that he is employed.  However, this adjustment to the new routine of our life is difficult on all of us right now.

I know that eventually, this new life will become routine.  It is just hard to parent my kids solo, and my sweet girls miss their daddy.  I am fearful of when I return to work because it will be hard to balance school responsibilities with parenting the girls alone.  And the girls will only see their daddy in the morning when he takes them to school/my friend M's house for the day.

Brothers

I have two of them, and A has one (as well as a sister)...  One of my brothers lives about 20 minutes from my house and has always been involved in the girls' lives because he's close by.  My other brother, J, lived out of state for a long time but has recently moved back to the area.  I'm LOVING that my girls are getting to spend time with their Uncle J and are really starting to form a bond with him.  Recently, when we were all up at my parents' house, he fished with them in my parents' pond and read them book after book.  He stopped short of playing "My Little Ponies" with them, but I can't blame him there.  (R has very specific scenarios for playing ponies, lol.)  In short, he's a really good uncle to my girls, and they love him.  I'm thankful for his time back home because he's no longer a stranger to them.

We also saw A's brother, T, last night.  I was noticing how good he is with my niece, who has some special needs.  Although he doesn't spend much time with my girls, it was really nice to watch him with my niece, his son, and my girls...  I can see that he loves my niece and is almost like a parent figure in her life, which she needs.

All in all, although I ALWAYS wanted a sister when I was growing up, I am very thankful for my two brothers and A's brother...  Good, strong, positive male influences in my daughter's lives.

Happy Fourth of July!

Grad School: The End... and Other Things

Ahh, I am finished with grad school as of Friday night.  I couldn't be happier that this 18+ month journey is finally over for me.  I just can't believe I actually survived the whole thing.

Looking back, I know it will help me in the next step in my career-- whenever and whatever that may be.  I have to have additional licensure to do anything else besides be in the classroom.  Which I am fine with doing for now.  I had applied in the spring for another position in my district and didn't get it.   However, A's new job requires him to work until 8:30pm during the week, and that job would have required lots of after school meetings and day trips to the state capitol for meetings.  This would have been hard with A no longer to be home in the evenings or to pick up the kids for me occasionally.

I feel like I'm free...  I seriously thought after we put the girls to bed tonight, "ok, what do I need to do for my class tonight?" and then had the wonderful realization that the answer is NOTHING.

I do still have to take the state license test, but I'm not too concerned about it.

Another teacher in my department recently resigned, which means I'll be picking up an additional prep this year-- an advanced class.  This should be a challenge, but in a good way, for me.  It will be interesting to work with students who are gifted in some way in reading, writing, or both.  It will also be a challenge to teach HS material to 8th grade students...  Just because they are advanced doesn't mean they are not still middle schoolers!

I don't know what I'll be doing with this blog... or if anyone even reads it anymore.  It was simply not something I could maintain while working through grad school.  In truth, I enjoy writing but I also don't know  if I need a public forum for it at this point.  It made sense when we were in the middle of our adoption to record the journey and to share it with others.  I don't know if sharing our daily life make sense anymore or not.

Twilight Movie Marathon Party with my BFF

Tonight, my BFF, M, and I are having a Twilight Movie Marathon/ Girls Night.  Her girls will be there (until bedtime), but my girls will be home with A.  Her husband and stepson will also be gone...  I cannot wait.  We had an "Edward Party" last summer, too, and it was just so nice to be carefree with my best friend.

I find that life is so complicated now, and I'm thankful that, even if it is just once a year, M and I are able to do something that's silly and fun, just for us.  We're going to order pizza and enjoy cake and champagne...

And, umm, here is my ride to her house now...  Gotta go, haha.

Changes

My husband quit his job on Monday.  He was going to be fired soon anyway (long story-- bottom line is that his boss is a jerk), and thankfully, he was offered a job this past Friday.  He will be working with one of his best friends and my friend H's husband.  It will be a good move for our family... eventually.

Right now, I'm worried.  I know that money isn't everything, but this new job is a large pay cut.  I know we make plenty of money even with the cut, but I'm worried.  It is not a situation in which we will lose our house or anything.  However, the girls are both going to be in preschool starting in Sept, and we have to start paying for it next month.  It's...  expensive.  I'm worried about paying for it with our other expenses and now the pay cut.  Again, I KNOW money isn't everything, but this is going to be quite a change.  I also know that his work situation have made for a very hard past 6 months.  A husband who enjoys his job and is not treated poorly by his boss is worth more than the money.

My husband has also driven a company car for years, and that was turned in on Monday.  So we also need to get another car.  With the new work schedule and with the girls' school in the fall, we will need it.  Oh, I know, First World Problems...

Lastly, and really the part of most concern for me, is that his hours will mean that I will basically doing the parenting on my own.  He will take the girls to school in the morning, but he will not be home until after the girls go to bed.  Again, I KNOW that other people have it harder than I do.  And at least he has a job, but I'm not suited to be a single parent, and I'm scared of having to do it all myself during the week.  I'm sad that we won't have dinner as a family any more.  I'm worried about having to balance all activity schedules (mine and the girls' schedules) without his help.

It's a change.  I know that I don't do well with change, and neither do my girls.  I'm sure after we are used to it, it will just be the routine of our lives.  I am just nervous about it all.

Uninvited

Sooooo it's been a while since I've posted.  I don't know if I'm back to blogging or not, but whatever.  I'm here now so we'll see.

Anyway, my cousin B is getting married in like 3 weeks.  I haven't seen her in a while (my dad's family isn't exactly close), but I was looking forward to attending the wedding.  Besides, aren't weddings sort of a family obligation?

However, we're not going now.  Although it didn't state on the invitation and although she said at her shower a few weeks ago that she was looking forward to meeting our girls, she contacted me yesterday about the girls' attending the reception.  Basically, she'd prefer they didn't attend.  Well, prefer is a nicer word than what it really is.  She said she was "concerned about younger ones at the reception and think the girls might be too young." 

She at first tried to put it off on me, saying that "it will be open bar" and she didn't know if it would bother us that the girls were there for that.  She did offer childcare, but:  1. I had a bad experience as a child at a "childcare provided" wedding my parents attended, 2. I'm not having my girls with strangers in a strange hotel, and 3. if it is an "adult only" event, just say it on the invitation.  Don't be elusive about it, and don't say the girls are welcome to attend and then change your mind.

I'm really hurt by the whole thing, and I don't understand why she didn't just come out and say it was an adult only wedding on the invitation.  And I don't understand why she said she was looking forward to having them be there, etc., and then she changed her mind...  Or really, then she realized she had to do something so that my children wouldn't be there.

My children wouldn't have ruined her wedding.  Not one bit.  And don't think this is about cost, either.  The girl's "starter home" is nicer than any home I'll ever own, and her parents drive a Hummer.  And the groom's parents aren't exactly hurting for money either.

I guess there is a reason why my brother J and I used to call her "B the Brat" when she was a kid.  Some things never change.

Happy Birthday, E! and Happy R Day, R!

Oh, E, how is it that you are 3 years old already? My precious, beautiful, sweetheart of a daughter, I can't believe that you are getting so big.

Today, 3 years ago, my sweet daughter was born under the Ethiopian sun. Although I did not know her then, my thoughts were on her, as it is also the day that we started the process to adopt her. She is just such an amazing child. Most days, I'm in awe of the fact that I get to be her mommy.

Today, we had a "Sweetheart" themed birthday party for her with our family and very closest friends. It was so fun to watch the girls run around and play together at my parents' house.

Yesterday was our 4th R Day, too. A big weekend around here! She was so tiny!!! And now, she is a big pre-school going girl. What a blessing our precious girl is... A sassy, smart, sparkly blessing.

Need a Break!

And, I'm actually getting one! This weekend, I'm going to the Created for Care retreat for adoptive moms in Atlanta. I'm sooooo excited about, and I can't believe it is finally (almost!) here.

The past few weeks have been difficult with A's medical stuff and job stuff. And, on top of that, he's been traveling A LOT, so I've been on my own with the girls most of the time in the evenings. R has had a cough and a runny nose for weeks, and I've been sick, too. Grad school started again a couple of weeks ago, and my internship is kicking my butt. I'm just exhausted.

I know it seems like all I do is whine lately on this blog. But, what other outlet do I have? Ugh. I don't know. We are just going through a rough season right now. I can't really remember the last time I have just felt happy for any extended period of time. There is always something there to stress me the heck out.

This weekend, though, I'm hoping I can just relax, recharge, and remember all the good things I have in my life. There are so many people who are so much worse off than we are. I should be thankful-- and I am-- I just sometimes get bogged down in the stressful parts of life.

Update and Ramblings

First of all, we got some results from A's medical stuff last week, and it was good news. We are still awaiting something else, but I'm hoping for more positive results.

Second, A had an interview for a potential new job this week. It also went well, and we are waiting to hear back. This job would actually be an opportunity to use his degree and more along the lines of what he envisioned he'd like to when he graduated from college. His current job is sort of in his field, and he has been working there for 11 years. He had thought he would retire from this company some day, but things have changed. We are hoping and praying for good news (SOON!) from this other company. It would be an amazing job to get in a great company. We are hopeful.

Ok, so that is the update on that.

Did I tell you A bought me a Nook for Christmas? I thought it would be nice to have but that I probably wouldn't use it too much. However, I LOVE it! It's so nice to literally have an entire bookstore at my disposal! I've started reading again, which is just something that hasn't happened (outside of reading for work or grad school) in years. I think it is going to be great for when I travel, too.

We've been having a rough week with R this week. She's been sick and just WILD! Today was a better day than yesterday, when I was literally at my whit's end. I absolutely adore, love, and treasure her... but she is not easy to parent, especially when she refuses to do anything I say and/or does the exact opposite of what I say. Sigh. Hoping tomorrow will be another better day than the one before.

Ok, so I guess that's it for now.

My Husband

Would you please pray for him if you're so inclined?

We have a few things going on right now. I hesitate to put it out there for the entire world to see, but in a nutshell, we could use some prayers about his work situation and about some medical testing he will undergo next week.

I'm trying to stay cool, calm, and collected, but I'm so nervous about it all.

I just need for my husband to be healthy... and employed...

Thank you.

Family Day

First, Happy New Year!

Today was "Family Day," our anniversary of our family being together for the first time, as it was two years ago today that A, E, and I returned home from ET. We didn't really do anything special to mark the occasion, and that's really ok with me for this year. My aunt R is in town visiting, so we spent a lot of the day with her and my parents.

I can't believe it has been 2 years since E came home!!!

E Day, 2 years later

On Dec. 27, 2009, A and I met E for the first time, after an adoption journey of nearly 10 months. This day, 2 years ago, was a special day in our family, and we call it "E Day" now. The morning of the day I met my second daughter, I could not have really imagined how the day would end.

I awoke excited and ready to love on our daughter. I went to sleep that night practically broken and terrified that we'd made a mistake. Two years later, I can say with confidence that our adoption of E was NOT by any means a mistake, but that first day and night with E... It was oh so hard.

E was terrified of us (especially me) from the moment she was placed in my arms, screaming her baby lungs out. Knowing my daughter as I do now, this makes perfect sense. But at the time, it was terrifying beyond measure. I was totally unprepared to be the mother of a child who immediately began crying the moment she saw me for those first few horrible days in Ethiopia. With R, it was picture perfect, a "gotcha" moment any adoptive family dreams of. With E, not so much.

Poor baby. And dare I say, poor me and definitely poor A. He had to do most of the parenting while we were in ET and on our journey home as E would simply scream if she were placed in my arms. Honestly, I wasn't fond of her either. I felt like I was baby sitting someone else's scared, sick, and parasite filled (sorry!) child.

Over the next few days, she would at least tolerate my presence. I will never forget the look on her face when A and I returned from shopping and I went to get her from our agency's home. A was charged with helping to move the agency's washing machine to their new location for their home (they moved the week we were in ET). I was charged with taking the baby back to the hotel. She cried the entire 2.5 hours I had her alone. I cried, too. I was so scared. She even sobbed in her sleep. At one point, one of the hotel workers came and brought us our clean laundry. She took E from me, and E stopped crying. It appeared ANY ET woman would do over me, the person charged to be her mom for the rest of both our lives. When A returned to the hotel, he was able to get her to calm down. I would have to say that those 2.5 hours were the worst of the trip.

I won't and don't share pictures of our first day with E. They are, quite frankly, painful to look at, even now that E and I love and adore each other. I see us, both terrified of what is happening to us when I look at those pictures.

However, today, my E, I want you to know that I love you so, so much, more than you might not ever be able to know. I am so thankful that that terrified baby I met 2 years ago today was in fact MY daughter. I love, love, love, love, YOU, my sweet girl.

Reflecting

Two years ago today, I was somewhere between {our home} and Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. A and I were on our way to bring home our precious E. What an exciting time and trip this was for us. We left our R with our friends H and M until my parents returned home from Fl a few days later.

I could write and write and write about the experience of traveling to bring E home. But not tonight, as I'm exhausted after a lovely Christmas celebrated with our family at my parents' house. This is the first year since R has come home that we really "did" Christmas, and it was a lot of fun for the babies. I had forgotten how truly magical Christmas can be.

While we definitely didn't push the idea of Santa on the girls, they picked it up from other places, so we went with it to a point. My mom, my brother's fiancee, and I did the stockings-- forgotten how much fun stockings are to do (used to be my favorite part of Christmas Day at my grandparents' house), and we gave the girls a couple little gifts from "Santa," too.

This was the first time in many years that Christmas felt like Christmas to me, if that makes sense.

I hope your Christmas was a lovely day with your family and friends.

Merry Christmas and good night.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

I promised to post pictures once I received them from the photographer... Here is a sampling of the pictures from Saturday. Not bad, considering A had to do their hair (I was sick with the flu) and took them to the photo shoot. It was 20 minutes long... and he showed up 10 minutes late! Still, the photographer got some great shots!

Above: Telling baby sister a secret!

I LOVE this picture of my sweet E!!

Both my girls... stunningly beautiful in different ways. Wow!

She looks almost angelic here!

My friend M's girls and my girls. All ready to celebrate Christmas in a few days!

Mommy Guilt

So I guess I probably went overboard for the girls for Christmas this year. But it is hard not to. This is where my guilt manifests. Guilt? What guilt? The guilt I have for not being there for my children for the first precious months of their lives.

I try not to think of it-- but I can't get rid of the guilt no matter what I do. I guess that never goes away because it hasn't in the four years I've been a mom to a child who is adopted. So I spoil the crap out of them at Christmas, birthdays, and "R" and "E" days (the days we met the girls).

I don't care. If you saw where R lived the first weeks of her life, you just might feel the same way. I saw it, and I will never forget it.

And E? My sweet little baby doll? Obviously I don't know much about her life before referral, which was at 8 months. So I spoil her, too.

I just love those little girls so much. And it breaks me right in half that I couldn't be there for them when they were at their tiniest and most vulnerable.

On a side, but slightly related note, I'm (more than) considering hiring a searcher to find E's birthfamily, R's, too. I don't really know how to do it or where to begin or how much it would cost. But... I really feel like time is of the essence and that it needs to be done soon. I just need to do it. Right? Thoughts??

I'm finished! (Just in the nick of time to enjoy Christmas)

For the semester, that is. I'm finished with grad school for a few weeks (as well as regular, work-type school..), and I could not be happier. At a year into grad school, I'm, in truth, hating every minute of it. Does that sound too negative? I don't know; maybe it does. But, honestly, that's how I feel about it. I hate the time it takes away from my family, I hate the paper writing and the discussion board posting, and I hate the internship that seems like it will never end!

I know I brought all this upon myself entirely, but I also had no choice if I don't want to teach forever. And I've always known I don't want to do that. I just needed start it. I'd actually delayed starting another masters for years. For both adoptions and then for another year after that while we fumbled our way through becoming a family of 4. We knew we were in a place in which we were finished adopting for a while (maybe forever?), so I knew it was time for me to start. Right now I have the internship and some classes to take next semester and then maybe just one more class to be finished! That seems feasible, but I also feel pretty burned out.

E was also sick on Tues night/Wed this week so I stayed home with her on Wed. She was sicker than either girl has been. Every 20 minutes or so, all night long on Tuesday, she threw up. It was awful. And of course, in the middle of the night on Thursday, I also got it. I mean, I figured it was a done deal, but what was I supposed to do? I had to take care of the baby! So my final paper that was supposed to be completed last night I was able to extend to finish today, which was nice.

I'm still feel weak and off and somewhat dizzy when I try to walk too much. I hoping that is better tomorrow because we're planning to take the girls to a winter celebration at a nearby zoo.

And, oh, did I mention our furnace went out last Friday so we spent the entire week at my parents' house? I was thankful for a place to go, but you know how it is... There is a reason why kids don't live with their parents forever!

Sigh... Now that grad school is finished for a few weeks and work is finished for two, I'm ready to enjoy the Christmas season.

And, oh yeah, my little brother closed on his new house on Friday and moved in yesterday. I haven't seen it yet, but I can't wait to do so on Tuesday... And my other brother (a year younger than I) is moving to Orlando right at the beginning of the new year! Lots of changes going on in my family.

And, the girls got cutie Christmas pajama outfit pictures taken yesterday, which I will share when I get them. :)

So Tired

Ok, I have no idea what I'm going to do with this blog. Obviously, a few weeks ago, I was pretty set on going private. I don't know. Ugh.

Tonight, though, I just wanna write.

So, I've been sick since Thanksgiving (which was a lovely, lovely, lovely day...), and I can't stop coughing. I'm exhausted. I have bronchitis, and I'm on medicine for it now. The other night I just coughed and coughed for over 3 hours straight. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

Tonight I couldn't find my stupid textbook for my class assignment due tonight and I just cried about it like a big baby. Poor A. He had a work thing tonight and couldn't stay and help me look for the book or help me with the girls. So I was a crying, coughing mess. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

My girls really, really, really want a Christmas tree this year. We haven't had one for years. In truth, this is a hard time of year for me. A doesn't do Christmas, so if I want to do it, it's all on me. 2 years ago, we were preparing to go to ET to bring E home, so we didn't do Christmas really at all. Last year, we went to Florida over Christmas, so we didn't do it last year either. I've been able to avoid it all. But this year? My babies are 4 and almost 3. They're getting old enough to know what Christmas is and what it involves. I don't know if I have the energy to do it alone. Ugh. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

E's 2 year post placement report is due to *my agency* tomorrow. Ugh. I started working on it last night, but it's gonna be late this year. Well, I will try to get the report part finished at work and then get that and the pictures to the agency tomorrow night. Sigh. Do I sound like a whiner? Yep, I totally am.

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now. My internship hours are due in 2 weeks, papers are stacking up to be graded, my house is in shambles, I have no idea what to do for Christmas, and I cannot shake this illness. I feel so defeated.

Ok, Going Private

The time has come for this blog to become private. Like pronto. So, if you are interested in being invited to read this blog in the future, please leave a comment below with your email address and how I know you. I'm going to private on Sunday evening.