Grief and Loss in Adoption

This week, it manifested itself in the form of R's having diaper rash. Quite unexpectedly, too, I might add.

Let me back up. We know that when R came to our agency's transitional home, HH, she had a small cut under her nose (very visible in her referral pictures) and bad diaper rash.

Well, she has had diaper rash a few times since we brought her home. No big deal, really. However, this week, she got it really bad. So bad that she screamed bloody murder when I cleaned her up.

Listening to her screaming, trying to comfort her, and cleaning her up like that just really got to me. I often think about R's time in the Ethiopian orphanage before she came to HH. She was so small, helpless. Did she scream in pain like that when she was there?

I couldn't take it. I found myself crying right along with her. I have so much guilt about not being there for her during that time, when she was most helpless, without someone to love her.

We were really fortunate. R was only 3 weeks old when she came to HH and 3 and 1/2 weeks old when we received her referral. I know compared to other children and other stories, this is nothing. However, it still counts. It is still a time in my daughter's life in which I wasn't there to take care of her.

What about the rest of you adoptive parents? How do you deal with that time before your child came home? Do you ever feel like I did?

I know grief and loss come with adoption. I just wasn't expecting it to come in the form of diaper rash.

One Year

(This picture of R is from our second set of pictures we received while she was in Ethiopia. It was taken approximately a year ago!)

Friday, Jan. 25, 2008 was our court date in Ethiopia, not that we knew at the time. We had received pictures of R a few days prior, but we didn't know that meant a court date was coming up. At that time, our agency did not tell families when their court dates were. (I guess now they do.) We were so longing to go get R and bring her home as we had been since we had seen her beautiful little face for the first time.

Waiting to bring R home was by fair the most painful part of the adoption experience for me. I know that compared to many others, our wait was a breeze, but my heart ached to hold my child constantly.

We received our travel call on Monday, Jan. 28, 2008. We had gone to our favorite Ethiopian restaurant for the first time that weekend. (We always say going there was good luck.) A was at home during the day and received the phone call from our case manager (I was at work). At 3:15 or so, the students had pretty much left the building. My friend H spotted A walking down the hall.

When I saw him, I thought something bad had happened because he never shows up at my school unannounced. As he walked closer he said to me, "What are you doing on Feb. 17?" I said that I was supposed to be at my baby shower. To which he replied that we were going to have to change that because WE HAVE TO BE IN ETHIOPIA!

I was in shock. We had passed court on the first time and had received a court date more quickly than I had expected.

A year. How our lives have changed since R legally and fully became our daughter and we prepared to bring her home.

Such blessings, some struggles, lots of change, and indescribable joy.

That's what this year has brought.

Under Attack

I hesitate to even put this to words, but I was feeling like that even before today's events... Do you ever just feel like you're under attack? I do right now.

Since I'm now ready, like yesterday(!), to start our adoption process again, I feel like we're just being drained of money. Last week it was the stealing of A's MP3 player. This week, it's my car.

I bought my car, a RED Volkswagen Beetle, after my first year teaching. I have loved my car since I bought it, and when I bought it, I was single and wasn't thinking of hauling a princess baby around. It's not practical right now with a child, but it is paid off and (usually) reliable. I loved the way I felt when I drove it when it was "new" (I bought it used). I felt free and didn't have a care in the world!

Anyway, the window has been "off" when you roll it up and down. I knew it was only a matter of time before it broke. I'm guessing that due to the extreme cold, it just finally gave out on Friday night when A was using my car and went to mail something.

So that cost almost $600 (out of our adoption fund) to fix. Yesterday.

Then, while they were fixing the window, the door lock broke. Basically, what they said is that it was about to break, and any messing around (technical term, right?) with the door caused it to give out completely. So today's money drain continued with $477 going to repair that. With the MP3 player being stolen out of the car last week, I don't feel like I can NOT go with the car not being able to lock.

It just makes me feel sick.

In the last week, we've made some progress on our adoption-related decisions. Is that part of it? Who knows? What do you think?

Here is what I DO know as far as our next adoption goes:
1. We are adopting a little girl.
2. Age 4 to 7. Some disagreement still here. A would like the older in, me the younger.
3. Siblings? No, at this time, siblings are not in in our future.

The fact that my child is out there in Ethiopia making her journey to us just makes me want to start the process RIGHT NOW so we can bring her home RIGHT NOW.

I also know that I have a wonderful husband, the most gorgeous precious daughter, a stable job,. a fabulous family, the best friends, and the sweetest little house. I'm luckily. And if I'm down a thousand dollars right now, that's ok. I'll clip coupons, not buy that outfit or shoes, and cook at home instead of eating dinner out until I get it back. I will do this for my child home and my child in Ethiopia. Is there really anything else important?

Nope.

11 Months Gotcha Day Anniversary!

R has been in my arms 11 months today! I cannot believe how much I love this little darling girlie of mine and how I know she was always meant to be my daughter!!

In 11 months, we all have changed. A has become a wonderful father, R a beautiful, curious, and amazing little girl, and me, well, I have learned what it means to love a child more than anything else and what great responsibility and joy that brings.

Pictures later. There is one I really want to add to the post, but it is trapped on my camera right now.

Also, today is A's 32nd birthday!

Off to Scrapbook!

A is on his own tonight and tomorrow because I am going to go to my friend, H's parents' house to do some scrapbooking. (Her parents are out of town this weekend, so we will have plenty of space, no kids, and time to work!) I love to scrapbook, and I haven't been able to since before school started. H and another friend of hers will be there, along with another girl who teaches in my district. Should be good times.

Goal: I'm going to try to get our Ethiopia album(s) completed. That is probably more than I can accomplish this weekend, but I'm going to work on it. I would just like to have it finished before we hit the one year home mark in a little over a month...

What are your MLK day weekend plans?

PS-- Due to the extreme cold and snow, we haven't had school yesterday or today! Five day weekend!

PPS-- We took care of getting R's social security number today. Had to get that accomplished before we can do our taxes! :)

Some People are Just Jerks... and I'm a Moron

Ok, the weather here is bad and getting worse. I'm actually home from work an hour early because of it. A, R, and I went to Target last night, and when we got home, we just took the baby inside because it was so cold.

While A was putting R to bed, I went out to get the diapers, milk, etc., out of the trunk of the car. I remembered that my husband's new garmin was in the car, so I unlocked the car, got it, and carried it and the other stuff into the house. (A told me that garmins aren't supposed to be exposed to extreme cold, and I was trying to be helpful.)

I called A between classes to tell him I was getting out early and to ask if he wanted me pick up the baby from M's house. He sounded really upset so I asked him what was wrong. He hesitantly asked me if I had left the car unlocked last night. I told him I might have. We took his car last night, and I usually don't lock or unlock the car because he does. It is entirely possible that I hit the wrong button when I attempted to lock it after getting the garmin out.

Well, apparently that IS what happened because A's MP3 player is missing from his car today. I feel so awful about it because it is totally my fault for being careless when I got into it.

A is really upset, and I just have the feeling of being violated. I know, I know, at least no one was hurt, and the car wasn't damaged, etc., etc... And, my brother's junior year of college, he returned to his apartment after winter break to find nearly everything had been taken from his roommates and him when there was a break-in. It is JUST an MP3 player (well, and a charger and a cord to connect it to the radio), so it could be a lot worse.

We don't live in an unsafe neighborhood; at least I didn't think we did! Our street is really only two blocks long, and mostly the only reason anyone would be on it is because they live on it. It makes me mad.

A couple days ago, I was in our backyard and noticed that our grill had been pulled out and knocked over. It's pretty messed up, too. Like no handle and other parts are broken as well.

Are these two things related? I would say it is possible.

I just hate stuff like this. I can't imagine taking something from another person or purposefully damaging some else's property. It just seems so wrong.

So that's my day. I hope yours is better. I'm going to post this in ugly brown because that's how I feel right now.

Some Pictures from Our Trip

Below are some of my favorite pictures from our trip last week to visit my brother in Florida. Hard to believe it's only been a week! Seems to me like I've been back to school forever. If you haven't read the post below this one, please do so. I'm still seeking some guidance.

Enjoy the pictures of my precious girl who will be 14 months old in 2 days!...

Happy Baby Girl

Happy New Year to you...

We took a ride on my dad's friend's boat. This is the view out on the ocean at the end of our channel. Everyone had a fun time on the ride, except for R. She had a fit because she had to wear a huge life jacket. She finally just passed out.

Doesn't it look like we're in Venice or something? :)

Don't worry. It isn't open.

It looks like this picture is posed, but I swear it isn't.

R's Mimi (my mom) bought her a tutu. Sort of surprising this is the first one she has, isn't it?

She loved going to the beach every morning with her Grandad!

I love this picture! (Thanks for letting us borrow the suit, M!)

Announcement

Drum roll please.....

A and I would like to announce that we have decided when we will start our next adoption!

We plan to start the process (journey, whatever!) again after we get our tax rebate back. So, wow, that's, like, soon! :)

Please pray (if you do that sort of thing) for guidance for us for the following:
1. That we are making the right decision for our family.
2. That we can decide on age, gender, and number of children.
3. For our child(ren) as he/she/they wait(s) for us to be a forever family. Knowing my child(ren) is/are out there already is so unreal for me to think about.

Our plan is an older child. How old? We don't know.

Our plan may include siblings. My concern with siblings is mainly for R. I don't want her to ever feel left out if she had siblings who were related biologically.

Gender? Most likely another girl, but I'm open to a boy, too.

So we have decided when to start the process but need some help on the rest.

Does anyone have any suggestions about this?

Thank you!

PS-- Our Ethiopian Christmas celebration was fun; pictures to follow soon. Too tired tonight to download them onto my computer and upload them to this site.

Last Post-Placement Home Visit

We had our last post-placement home visit with our social worker this evening. It is our YEAR report. It needs to be in Ethiopia by Feb. 18, so it has to get to our agency by Jan. 18. It is amazing to think about how our lives and our family has changed this year because of our darling daughter!

Happy (Merry?) Ethiopian Christmas!

Today is Christmas in Ethiopia, as the country follows the Julian (sp?) calendar! We are actually planning to celebrate it tomorrow with some Ethiopian food and the starting of some Ethiopian Christmas traditions for our family.

Back Home

And.... we're back!

Great trip, nice visit with my brother, lots of mommy-baby bonding time. More on that with some pictures later.

Gotta go to work tomorrow.

Where are the lush palm trees, bright sunshine, and white sand I have grown accustomed to?

Where I live, it is like 35, foggy, and misty! And grey, grey, grey.

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

R and I leave bright and early tomorrow to go visit my brother J for the week. He lives in the Florida Keys so we're looking forward to warm weather and sunny skies. A is (unfortunately) staying home. Getting off work this time of year isn't easy for him. My parents are also going to be with us. It is 9:45 right now, and I have to get up in about 4 or 5 hours so it is time to go to bed!

I'll be home on the 5th so have a Happy New Year!

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

** UPDATED WITH PICTURES!**

I hope you are enjoying your day with friends and family. I will post some pictures of R looking adorable both in her sleeper and Christmas dress later! :)

These first pictures are at my parents' house on Christmas day of R in her Christmas dress and in her "I love Santa" sleeper. Isn't she a doll baby??

These pictures are from her Christmas photo shoot. Yes, it is a different dress. She got her pictures taken with my friend H's kids, and this dress went better with their dresses than the one she wore on Christmas day did. Before you think I'm just totally excessive, this dress was bought by my mother-in-law for $1.50 at Goodwill, and the one above was from last year after Christmas and was less than $7 (my mom bought it for her).

Traditionless Christmas

This is R's first Christmas at home, of course. I was hoping that it would be like our family events from when I was a kid. Instead, it's turning into the most lame day ever. Allow me to pout a bit:

1. A's family doesn't do Christmas, and neither does he. I decided not to do decorations around my house this year because quite frankly it is no fun to decorate a tree and put out Christmas stuff alone. I admit fully that this part of Lame Christmas 2008 is entirely my fault.
2. We, along with my parents, are going to Florida to visit my brother the week after Christmas. This will be fun, don't get me wrong. However, this means that my parents bought and decorated the tiniest tree in the world, and instead of lots of decorations and Christmas memories there, hardly anything is out. Their tree is literally about 5 feet tall and 2 feet wide. It's pathetic, so pathetic in fact that I had to have my friend M take pictures of R in front her (live, pretty) tree while she was watching her one day last week. The pictures turned out cute at least.
3. My brother (who lives near me, not the one in FL) is spending either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day with his girlfriend's family. Of course he probably should do that. However, this will be the first time since he's been alive that this has happened, and he was planning to spend BOTH with her family until my mom put her foot down.
4. I found out today that my uncle's family isn't coming for Christmas dinner... just a few hours in the afternoon. This, too, has never happened before.

I know, stop being a baby. However, let me explain the Christmases of the past:

When I was a child, we would spend Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family, do our own thing Christmas morning, and then go to my mom's parents' on Christmas afternoon. When my Gramma died, we pretty much stopped seeing my dad's family. I was in 5th grade, and we still had the tradition of being with my mom's side. That became the norm and was how it went until my grandmother died.

The week of Christmas was always super busy. My grandmother owned a gift shop in my home town; I grew up working there after school and on my breaks. If we still had the store, I would be spending my days between now and Christmas Eve there in a sea of activity. I miss that terribly.

As Christmas would get closer, my mom's sisters and their families would make their ways to my grandparents' to celebrate with us. No longer. The sisters and their families haven't been home for Christmas since the last one before Granny died. One came home with her sons the week after Christmas last year.

We used to get a Christmas tree, a live one. We would decorate it with a million ornaments and pin popcorn to the ends of the branches. I know no other family who does this. Now my parents do a fake tree and thus no popcorn. Blah.

You see, I want R to have what I used to have: tradition and family and specialness. This time of year used to feel so magical to me. Now it feels like nothing to me, and I'm even starting to dislike the whole thing a bit.

When I married A, I knew full well that Christmas would be difficult with his not celebrating it. I still don't like it but have grown used to it. Now, however, I'm learning that with a child, it is much worse. Now, with everything else, I'd rather skip the whole thing entirely. What is the point of my parents cooking a feast for them, A, R, and me for Christmas dinner? It seems like such a waste.

I'm not saying I want gifts and greed. I just want family, tradition, and that special time of year this used to be.

Winning the Lottery

A group of City workers from my hometown won the 207 million dollar Mega Millions lottery this weekend... Wow, can you even imagine what it would be like to win the lottery? I can't. Money doesn't buy happiness-- this I do know-- but wouldn't it be amazing to be able to pay off college loans and the mortgage, set up parents and in-laws, travel wherever I wanted, take care of my friends,... and of course, start a foundation/organization/whatever to do something for the children of Ethiopia. And, we sure wouldn't have to wait until we had our funding in place to start our adoption process again, would we?

SNOWDAY!

Ice day, really. However, a day off is a day off!

I'm going to spend it with my sweet baby girl.

I hope you enjoy your day.

Bliss...

... is getting to sleep through the night! R hasn't been sleeping through the night at all lately. (She was sleeping through the night in her crib for months and then a few weeks ago decided that was for losers and stopped.) Actually, most nights she falls asleep in her crib only to wake up at 10:30 on the dot. Sometimes she stays up until 2 or 3am... and sometimes she will fall back asleep but ONLY if I am holding her or sleeping right next to her in my bed (which I don't like to do at all). However, last night, A put her down around 7:30 like usual, and she did not wake up until 8am!

I won't get too excited... after all, she will probably wake up again tonight, but I am feeling refreshed after a full night's sleep for the first time in a long time!

And, p.s.-- she's also in a fabulous mood today and has been a delight all day long to be around. Humm, it's almost like sleeping through the night is GOOD for a 13 month old! :)

How Bizarre

Ok, so I'm at work, right? Of course. Where else would I be on a Monday? I walked through the office on my way back from lunch and saw an LL Bean box on the secretary's desk. I almost ask her if it is the slippers I ordered for my mom but then think myself silly for evening thinking it because they were shipped to my house, not school.

However, I check my email, and there is a message from the secretary saying that there is a box from LL Bean for me. So it was mine after all.

Here is where it gets bizarre. The box was supposed to be delivered to my house on Friday, but the tracking says the delivery attempt was to the wrong house. Somehow, over the weekend the box made a journey 2 states away and then back to my state... Only to be delivered to my school.

I checked to make sure I had put my correct home address. I had. However, there is an "URGENT" FedEx label on the box with my school's address on it.

So how the heck did FedEx know where I work????

Bizarre.

One Year Ago Today

(R at a year old enjoying a "breakfast bot" while I pack her bag to go to M's for the day. I love those eyes! She is so ornery!)

Friday, December 7, 2007:

A day I won't soon forget. It was a typical Friday afternoon for me. I returned to my classroom at the end of the school day after taking my students to the library for the last period of the day. As the afternoon announcements came on, I casually opened my email and checked it. There, I saw an email from my case manager, J. I ignored the rest and eagerly opened the email. It said that she was trying to get a hold of us and wanted A or me to call her before she went home for the day.

I knew what this meant. You see, 2 days prior, we had received our monthly update phone call from our case manager. We knew were were #1 on the waiting list. At the end of the call, J said to me, "We have new babies coming into HH all the time. Sometimes it's just a matter of getting medical paperwork in order..."

I grabbed my phone and ran over to my friend H's classroom (I can't get cell phone reception in my room but can in hers). By this time, the bell had rang, students were at their lockers preparing to catch their buses, and H was in the hallway doing hall duty. I grabbed her hand as I dashed by and said, "My case manager is trying to get a hold of me." I slammed her classroom door and sat down at her desk. I didn't think I could stand.

I could hardly dial my agency's phone number because my hands were shaking so badly. I finally did and waited for J to take my call.

She told me I had a daughter.

I started sobbing. (I still, even now, tear up every time I think about it.)

(My tears of joy and happiness that I am FINALLY a mom!! Sorry these pictures are so small. I had to go into my snapfish account and copy them from there because the actual file are trapped on my PC.)

She told me R's background, her birthname, what they knew of her birth parents and birth family, her age, where she was born, and that she was absolutely beautiful. Most importantly, she told me that she was MY DAUGHTER.

J then told me that she was going to send me the referral information via email. I did not expect this. I guess we had just assumed we would be told about our referral and would get the actual pictures a few days in the mail.

I just wasn't prepared to see my daughter's face as soon as I knew she existed.

(Above, reading the email from our case manager and seeing a picture of my daughter for the first time.)

I got off the phone with J and dialed A's work number. He was on another call, and my 3 minute wait for him to answer my call was the longest of my life. As soon as I the email from J with PICTURES OF OUR DAUGHTER, I forwarded them to A so he could also see our child.

How can I even describe what it was like to see R's face for the first time? I can't, really. Those of you who have received your referrals and/or brought your children home know what it is like. And those of you on the waiting list will know soon...

Just look at how amazing this child is!

SO tiny!

Sleeping Beauty. I couldn't wait until she was sleeping in my arms!

I know that my daughter is exactly what I prayed for and more than I could have ever imagined. Our contract was for an infant girl, which could be anywhere from newborn to 12 months old at the time of referral. We hoped that she would be as young as possible, but we never imagined that R would be 3 weeks old at the time of our referral and a little over 3 months old when we brought her home.

The contract wasn't for the most perfect child ever.
Or for the girl with the most beautiful, alert eyes, even at 3 weeks old.
Or for the child with the arms open wide waiting for her parents to hug her tight.
Or for the baby who has the most amazing and infectious smile I've ever see.
Or for the little one who is so curious and playful.

But you know what? That's what we got, and I couldn't ask for anything more!

Christmas Shopping and Ugly Sweater Contest 2008

Today I was able to get out of the house for a few hours (by myself!!) to get some Christmas shopping done. Sure, I went last week with my friend M on Black Friday, but that was more a social event than a shopping excursion when all said and done. I went to 4 stores and managed to get most of the shopping completed, from a birthday gift for R's BFF, N, to my "Secret Snowman" gifts for work.

I must admit that it was heavenly to not have R with me on this trip. She and her daddy stayed at home for some daddy-daughter bonding. She was super good shopping last week, but today it is colder and snowing and she woke up in the middle of the night screaming. Just not a good combo.

*******

Ok, now on to the second part of the title of this post.

Every year, on the day after Thanksgiving, my friend M and I go shopping. We don't get up at 3am or anything like that. (We both enjoy sleep way too much for that!) More like we roll into the mall parking lot like at 1pm. It works out well because it really isn't that crowded by that point. Actually, the routine is this: stop at the Old Navy across from the mall to get Christmas socks, go to our favorite Mexican place for lunch, and THEN go to the mall and do our shopping.

But we don't just shop. You see, every year, we have a contest, an Ugly Sweater contest to be exact. While we are shopping for gifts for our loved ones, we are also on the prowl for the ugliest Christmas sweaters we can find. A few years ago, we got smart and brought the camera along with us. The following are some of the entries for this year:

Nothing says Christmas like some kitties in hats. Fabulous, no?

Penguins are also very Christmas-y.

This is the perfect "Evening Wear" Christmas sweater, complete with its own already-attached bling so you don't have to worry about your accessories looking tacky with your top.

Truly, nothing says "Christmas" like a royal blue sweater vest.

The babies even got in on the action finding our ONLY Scottie dog entry of the whole day! (Side Note: Don't take pictures when you are in Gymboree. They will yell at you like you are a gang of unruly teenagers instead of very mature and sophisticated urban mothers out shopping with your always perfectly-behaving little girl children. The nerve! I'm working on filing a complain about that experience.)

And now for the winner of Ugly Sweater 2008..........

Let me explain this one. First of all, M got the better picture of this one by far, so you'll just have deal with my sub-par one. It's Santa... with spindly legs, weird facial expressions, and strange boots. We hate nontraditional depictions of Santa. He is looking way too much like one of his elves here. It's creepy.

This year's contest was not as good as the past few years. For some reason, Ugly Christmas Sweaters are just not as fashionable as they used to be. I would share last year's winner with you if I could. Sadly, it is trapped on my PC, which hasn't worked since right before R came home in Feb.

As you can see, however, despite the curiously small amount of Ugliness we found, a good time was had by all!!